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Is Cyber Sex Cheating

Updated on March 13, 2014

Cybersex - Is it Cheating?

The internet is an amazing thing. You can find anything you want on there.

Want to learn about how to choose an appliance? You can find that online. Need a menu idea for an upcoming dinner party? It's there.

Feeling a little ‘randy' and looking for some excitement? It's there too. So, is cyber sex cheating? Yes and no. Well, maybe. It depends.

After reading many articles and watching a recent discussion of this subject on a few talk shows. I have come to the conclusion that there is no finite answer.

The definition of cheating is really up to each individual. Or is it? Some feel that just looking at someone of the opposite sex that is not your partner is cheating. Now wait, that is human nature to look. Most people agree that cheating occurs when a person crosses over from thoughts to action.

Now, what is at the core of cheating? At the core of cheating are lies, deception and secrecy. If you are doing something that you don't want anyone finding out about, well that is wrong. If you don't feel that is cheating then at the very least it most defiantly is damaging to the relationship and breaks down trust. Do you not agree?

What about emotional cheating? Ok so you are talking to someone online about intimate things, sharing private and emotional things with them that you would not share with your partner. That person seems to be there for you more than your spouse. He or she has what you feel is a better understanding of you. But that can be deceiving. Anyone can be anyone online. You can be someone online that you are not in person. Hiding behind the anonymous screen name can lie all the things you WANT to be as a person but are not. And unless you have met that other person face to face, then you are being a part of their façade. Is it emotional cheating to be attached and involved with someone like that online? In my opinion YES!

If you feel any attachment and feel trust in that person and not your own partner, then most certainly that is an emotional affair and / or cheating.

Typically people turn to others because there are problems in their relationship and problems with themselves.

This article on WebMD sheds some light on the issue.

Cyber Straying: Is Online Sex Cheating?

He likes online porn. She thinks he's virtually cheating. Who's right?

By Louanne Cole Weston

WebMD Answers to Questions

Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD

Q: I made the mistake of clicking on a little email window that popped up on my husband's computer. I discovered that he's been surfing porn sites and going to chat rooms to have sex with other women online. When I confronted him, he didn't understand why I was upset. He said that having sex online was harmless and a way to "get off" without breaking his marriage vows (we've been married 10 years). What can I do?

A: This is a situation I see more and more often as the Internet becomes a staple in homes.

Two main issues are in play here: honesty and uncommunicated expectations. First, your husband offers an explanation for his behavior that is possible, but not highly believable. Unless he informed you or gave you the chance to participate in these activities, it was not an honest act on his part. He also brushed off a chance to set the record straight without lying.

Second, there's the issue of expectations you two have not discussed. This situation underlines the importance of checking in with one's spouse or partner about the various aspects of long-term relationships: finances, in-laws, jobs, children (if any), housekeeping, plans, and sex.

People assume that because they are with a person they know pretty well, they also know how their mate feels about these topics. Often they are wrong. This is what keeps marriage counselors busy.

So, even though you said your vows and have been together for a while, it sounds like the topic of online chatting and surfing porn sites never came up.

The Next Step

Sit down with your husband to have this discussion. If he has sexual desires that he talks about with women online, then ask him to tell you what those are. That way you have the opportunity to say, "Yes, I'll do that," or, "No, I won't." You can also ask what prompted him to think that he was doing right by you in this marriage by finding sexual satisfaction online.

Evaluate yourself as well: Have you been shutting him out sexually? Are you enjoying yourself when you have sex? Do you have fantasies of your own? Is it a time of connection between you? Are there risks that you might be willing to take in terms of new behavior?

Your husband may have sincerely thought that he was not straying from your marital vows, or he may be using the technicality that there was no physical contact to dodge the issue that he feels sexually dissatisfied in the marriage. In either case, talk about what sexual fulfillment means to both of you.

Married couples walk a fine line between cooperation with each other and control of each other when it comes to sex. You may want the help of a sex therapist to unravel this tangled situation and reassemble a situation that works for both of you.


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      6 years ago

      no cyber isn't cheating only is when it goes to meeting

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      6 years ago

      I found out my husband had a secret myyearbook site and was actually talking and texting some of these "ladies". He claimed that the only reason he was on the computer (he did this on his phone) was to delete it but I'm still wondering if that's true. He was supposed to let me read all the messages and comments on his site before he deleted it (he couldn't delete it cause our computer crashed is what he clamimed the day before I found out on search history)..but he deleted it before I could read anything..pissed me off even more..we have known one another for 26 yrs and 13 of them we've been married..have two kids...and I thought we had a good marriage...we met as kids,grew up together..he was my first at 19 and I thought everything was great...besides my ocd...(that's what he claims made him do it)..anyway, he started talking to what he claimed were "friends" but out of all the women I contacted (I found all the numbers on the cell bill after I changed the password and got into it)..only one said it was phone sex...he denies that...he says he was only talking and texting these friends to feel important..He said I was always complaining about everything and all he wanted was someone to talk to that didn't know him and wouldn't bitch at him...I did see his wall post and a lot of stuff was hurtful...he said he was separted and he only wanted to find someone who would love him and his daughters as much as much as he would love them...a few sexual talk also...these women weren't attractive...I mean a lot were on his site..he had 494 friends that were all women but the ones he talked to were very unattractive..I couldn't understand why he needed that when he was always saying I was gorgeous and sexy...I guess it was the attention...I've loved him since I was a kid but I'm not sure I can forgive all of's been like 7 months and since then he has tried to be so good to me...I've been yelled at and called names a few times but I usually bring up what he did and sometimes that makes him mad but usually it puts him in his place that not everyone is perfect. I had such a hard time with accepting all of this...he got down and cried and begged me to forgive him...he even deleted the net off our phones that same night I found out...I couldn't sleep with him for a couple of nights and when I did I went back to the room, woke him up by touching his shoulder...I wanted to talk but a lump in my throat wouldn't let me...I just broke down...he held me and cried too and said he would spend the rest of his life proving his love for me...he bought me a 1 carat new ring (which can't buy forgiveness) and told me it was our new beginning...I just keep thinking of the women he talked to and there is one who lived in our town that I don't know of...he wont tell me her name..he says he can't remember..but I think he does...he says he never met any of the women in person but he was friends with one and her mom that he did work for...the daughter I met...she says she would never cheat on her husband..that my husband was like a brother giving her advice...the mom I'm worried about..she was a real well u know...flaunting herself all over ....wonder about her...I just don't know what to gut still says he hasn't told me everything...I'm not sure what I'm going to do still....I want more kids, he had a vasectomy 10 years ago, he lost weight when he was talking to them, but now has gained it all back...why can't he look good for me?...I love him no matter what, but I think I should get the best side of him too...they got to be involved in his life while he was looking hot not hes almost 300 pounds again after getting down to 230...I want him to care about his health and looks while he's with me...but I feel I'm not important enough for him to care...what should I do?..i hate sounding superficial...don't mean to..but when he was healthier he wanted to do more...he took our girls to play tennis and included he wants to sit around playing playstation....he works but he doesn't want to do anything anymore...he talked and texted them when he was off work..and I was paying everything even the cell phone bill...wish back then I knew..wouldn't have paid for listening..

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      6 years ago

      My husband & i have been together for 10 years & we have four beautiful kids. Ok, our sex life is not what it used to be in the first 5 or so years, but we still do make time for each other. Before we got married, he was working away & i opened his phone bill to see how much it was & one number kept on cropping up & it wasn't mine. He called & texted this number as soon as he got up & the last thing at night. I became suspicious & decided to call it. It was my sister-in-law's best friend who my husband apparently "hated". He was also sending picture messages to her aswell. He told me that he was caaling/texting her to find out about his sister's antics with a guy who e didn't want her involved with....yeah right! But being as i didn't have any proof of what was sent in the texts or pictures, i couldn't do anything about it.

      3 years ago, he set himself an account on Adult friend finder & put who he would like to meet up with. The only box he didn't tick was a gay relationship! He put in detail of what he wants & what he would like from it. He didn't upload a picture of himself. He stupidly left the computer logged in & when i came to use it, i found this out. I was 10 weeks pregnant with our son & i was devastated. He had an email account & there was about 50 emails in there & he opened 2 that were girls who wanted to meet him for fun.

      He spun me a load of bullshit that one of his male colleagues was on there in a pink tutu & he wanted to see the pic....blah, blah blah..

      I explained to him how much it hurt me that he was considering meeting up with these people & he seemed to think that it was all innocent & he was looking for a picture.

      I have caught him looking at porn websites on my phone & his own. I have told him that as a woman, i don't feel good enough for him. He said he would stop if it hurts me that much.

      He has been suggesting that we n ow do a threesome & that he wants another man to have sex with me while he watches in the corner. This does not appeal to me at all, sine i have told him on many occasions he has suggested this that i love him & i want him only. I think bringing a third patry in our relationship is a recipe for disaster.

      He is still watching porn & now doing cyber sex with mature ladies (over 50!!) we are in our thirties & it makes me sick to my stomach that he is wanking over these ladies on our family computer. The trust & loving feelings i once had for him are gone. I feel repulsed by him. He seems to think that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing & that if i was the preson that i was, then he would have no need to look at this stuff. I look after him, our home, our kids & i work. I try my best, but nothing seems good enough. What am i to do?

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      6 years ago

      Just did this for the first time and a bit surprise how easy it was to do. While I wouldn't cheat on my wife I think I just did! First I was just looking and suddenly found myself doing a private session - very compulsive. So thank you for your comments about how this makes you feel. I intend not to do this again.

      On the human side of it though it felt good to feel desired if only artificially and virtually. Marriage can be awful when one person rarely wants sex and the other does - for me over 20 years. I have been through the whole gammit - even developed an unrequited crush that meant I had to say good bye to a good friend to save my family. Done the 2 years of counseling and separated twice. In the end decided I love my wife and my family. But a lot of time stay up all night horny.

      So what did I just do?! To be honest it felt really good and I feel relaxed. But it is a very slippery slope. Blah!!

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      7 years ago

      i have recently noticed my partner is visiting a free cams website and have known for over 6 months i was really upset at first but i thougth it through and realised that it wasn't really that big a deal...i found out a few days ago however that he has opened an account with book of sex and has things written on his profile like 'what u been waiting for' we have been together 5 years and have a gorgeous girl the first i could cope with but to me the only reason you would set up an account on somethign like that is to meet someone am i wrong?!?

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      7 years ago

      I think any time you are willing to give your family up to have online sex. It is becomes much deeper than a phantasies

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      7 years ago

      don't take it too serious men are also dreaming of having sex with other women it's more a visualization of dreams phantasies and desires ....

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      8 years ago

      My boyfriend is forever online, and I noticed he has a few female friends that are all random cause of facebook games. I had this gut feeling cause he was secretive online and always laughing and enjoying his time online then spending it with me or the kids..

      So I went snooping and discovered that he had been having cyber sex with a married women who lives miles away he was telling her stuff he doesn't even tell me, to make it worse he was boosting it to another friend male who lived another 1000 miles away and even said that this women made him so horny he ends up having sex with me whilst thinking or her.. Its really ruined my relationship even though we are together I can never really trust him again and building up the courage to leave him... I really loved him so much but the world is crule and unfair I will just have to move on but its hard...I confronted her online and she was nasty telling me I should look after my man, in which I replied Why don't you look after your husband Im sure he really lets you have online sex with other males..I blocked the bitch and I made my boyfriend block her too, she has attempted to get in contact with him and he showed me and deleted her but I think it wont be to far away before he finds some other chick....How stupid do u have to be to do this. Don't you realise the innocent people who get hurt badly!!!!

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      8 years ago

      I am a girl, and have just discovered cybersex. For me, it's not emotional at all- not even to get off actually. I've only ever been with one guy, so I feel more like I'm exploring and finding my normal. I know that I should be doing this with my boyfriend, but most of my fantasies are something that he wouldn't want to do, or couldn't happen in reality. So I'm trying role playing. I feel conflicted about it, but at the same time, it seems very similar to porn. I've never watched porn, but my boyfriend does, and I feel like this could be "my version" of porn. However, I remember how I reacted when I found out about him watching porn (although I didn't ask him to stop), and I wonder if I'm being a hypocrite AND a cheat. I'm trying to figure this out, so anyone with suggestions!

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      8 years ago

      I recently got caught by my girlfriend having some online sex chat. i can see how it could bother a girl, because she could see it as there is something that she's not doing that i need or something like that, or some sort of emotional involvement . I don't really see it from the same perspective though, for me it's basically porn. I don't have any emotional investment or anything in it, it's just a masterbatory aid. its like, i'm horny, i could A) watch some porn B) random sex chat C) just think things D) whatever its just a means to an end. I think it's just hard for woman to see that it's just one method for jerking off.

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      I feel your pain 

      8 years ago

      I have to disagree with Mr X on this one. Each hurt spouse on this page has the same problem, describing the same feeling of devastation as well as lack of trust. Because our spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends were deceptive and partaking in online romances (behind a veil where you are safer and less likely to feel rejected), it's hard to admit to yourself that perhaps your spouse suffers from an extreme, readily available addiction. Every single one of us has described our partners as being secretive and sneaky about their online flings. My boyfriend and I are going on two years now and I found tons of online websites like 'friend finder' and 'rate my body' were he was talking to girls. We're in a long distance relationship so I introduced him to Skype -- huge mistake -- I logged onto his account and found a bunch of different SNs from other girls. Just like everyone else has posted, my boyfriend broke down into tears at my feet, begging me not to break up with him, and promising to stop. He said he never thought of it as cheating and that the act had nothing to do with me, but I caught him red handed again a few weeks later. The issue is not necessarily the act in my opinion, because if my boyfriend meant when he said he loved me and was willing to go to therapy and stop, I would have more room to forgive him. The issue is the lack of trust that reigns in our current relationship, my feelings of betrayal, and his continuing with online chats when he knows it's wrong. It's hard to trust and forgive a liar, but even harder to get someone you loved dearly to stop hurting you when they have so many outlets and triggers to give into. Internet addiction is a serious serious matter. I feel for everyone who has posted on this site and I hope you find peace in your hearts, especially the married couples -- god bless.

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      Mr X 

      8 years ago

      Okay, coming from a guys point of view that DOES NOT agree with the whole cheating aspect of it.

      Ladies, I'm sure you enjoy a good erotic novel every now and then. Erotic novels, and cyber sex is pretty much the same thing. It has one purpose, to get you off. It shouldn't have anything to do with feelings, there should be no feelings involved. When you are reading that erotic book, you are feeling turned on that's it. Are you cheating because a person wrote it? Of course not.

      That is the same thing behind cyber sex. It takes 2 people, you and the other person, just because there is someone on the other end joining in, there is no feelings involved. There should be no emotional attachment there, if there is, then it is wrong. If you are doing it to just get off, no, it's no different that reading the book, or watching a porno to get off.

      My ex wife kinda caught me after I copied and pasted some stuff that I was saying, because I would do it in numbers. I would have 5 or 6 going at the same time...yes I'm that good. But I would copy and paste it, and when she went to copy something, and it didn't copy properly it pasted what I had put. Oops got caught.

      But hiding it from the other person.. I wasn't really hiding it, I just didn't do it in front of her. When she found out, sure she was upset, but our sex life had been nothing for a good year or so. I wanted to get off, I didn't want to cheat because that would be wrong, so this was a safe non cheating alternative.

      This part is for the ladies that say they can't trust their guys anymore. Cybersex is just words. Not feelings, not emotions, just words. There is never a physical connection. Men do this for a plethora or reasons, sometimes they may do it in order to get some ideas as to what to do in the bedroom, and surprise you with it. Don't take it as they don't love you, or find you attractive, or ruin your trust, because honestly, as we know no-one has to stay with anyone who they don't want to. If they love you, and tell you your gorgeous, and sexy, and flirting with you, and teasing and playing with you, just let it roll. Trust me, there should not be feelings involved with cybersex, it just just typing out a bunch of words in front of a screen.

      Another way of finding out if he feels like it's cheating, straight up ask him, if you were to do it, would he like it, or would he not care. If he said he would not care, it would be either because he doesn't want to be with you anymore, and he's a chicken and can't say that he wants to leave you. Or he really means that, no it wouldn't bother him because he doesn't see any harm in it. If he can do it, then so can you is how he should feel.

      If he turns around and says he wouldn't like you to do it, then he considers it wrong, and he shouldn't have done it in the first place.

      I hope this helps people who are wondering if Cybersex is cheating or not.

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      8 years ago

      It's insane. We sound all the same and it feels so stupid. I love him so much but i can't trust him. It hurts me so much! I always wonder what he's doing when i'm not home. He blames me to not respect his privacy. He lies. I'm of course the untrusty one since i go through his personal stuff. Now with Facebook phenomenom, you don't even have to go on sex site to have cyber sex. He started trying to have cybersex with some of his friends, girls that knows us! It's so humiliating. First time i discover it was 4 years ago...I now know that he will not change. I have to take the decision: Am i able to continue loving him knowing that he does that? Or am i strong enough to break our family (15 years + 2kids)?

      Navychick: I wish i could have your skills! He put passwords everywhere now. He keeps me in the dark about everything and doesn't want to admit anything.

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      8 years ago

      My boyfriend thought it would be fun and interesting to sign us up for this adult friend finder website, but it only put a thorn in our relationship. He deleted the account and a few months later he opens it up again for himself only. I noticed he would stay up all hours of the night up on the computer and I only got more and more suspicious. So I check out that he has this account and several emailing him for dates and sexual favors, etc. I want to leave him for several reasons but this put the icing on the cake. How will I ever trust him, I imagine it will only get worse and I expect to get physical with some of these women. After this, my desire to sleep with him has gone away. He says that is he is missing - the passion. I can give him passion and I was soo in love with him before I found out, but now its horrible I cannot trust him. He says when this all boils over and I forget about it he is going to keep cybersexing behind my back. Little does he know I have plans to monitor his keystrokes. I'm an IT and he has no idea how to use a computer.

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      Same Here 

      8 years ago

      I personally believe cheating begins in the heart. Even though no physical act was committed, my fiancé did things with other women that should only be done with me. I caught him back in March and he said he would stop--that he love me not them.

      A couple of weeks ago I snooped on his computer and found evidence that he had been doing it for a while. When I confronted him, he said that he was scouting for women for his brother. WTF? Like his brother is going to want to date women that he masturbated in front of?

      I'm so hurt that he lied to me again. What example does this set for my younger female cousins? I can' trust him like a wife is supposed to a husband. This is what I get for remaining faithful. I'm not even sure he was since sometimes he would write, "We gotta meet," and exchange numbers.

      Like the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Don't be the girl everyone pities.

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      8 years ago

      Well, coming from a same-sex relationship stand-point [For any gay's who are reading this]. My partner of about 2 years lives in Europe. We've been together many many times, and flown to see each other for months at a time. We planned on living together forever, and everything was perfect. Well, It turns out I got suspicious because I found out a simple little lie about smething in the past. And thats all that it takes; One ounce of suspicion to cause a chain reaction of Checking up on someone. I then found people he had been web-camming, and cyber-sexing with, of which they claimed they had done it WHILE I was in the relationship with him. I was devistated, and brought it to his attention. He completely denied everything, and turned the tables on me claiming I don't trust him aymore. I am perfectly okay with him doing something like this if he would just ASK me to join in, or what I thought about it. I know men just need a release now n then, And when we LOVE someone, its much different. But its stll hurtful to know that someone is doing something and then lying/hiding it. Atleast Fess up to it, and make it easier to understand and Get over.

      Also, I found out this happens a lot in same sex relationships just as straight ones.

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      8 years ago

      well, to be honest cybersex is disgusting. If you cannot have a sexual relationship with a human being, there is something seriously wrong with you. My husband has been having cybersex for 5 years now. No one has been able to explain this fascination to me. He will be home from Iraq, soon we had a miscarriage and I was devastated. All due to his cybersex. I hope life alone is good. But that is right he has the computer

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      9 years ago

      I have been through multiple rounds of cybersex cheating by my boyfriend of 11 years. Every time I start to trust him again and plan a future together, I find evidence to the contrary. There have been chat rooms, explicit e-mails, requests for pictures, role-playing, erotic story writing, multiple secret e-mail accounts, adult friend finder sites, instant messaging (his IM address book had nearly 200 women's names), webcamming, etc. He's had every excuse in the book, ranging from boredom, to curiosity, to loneliness when I'm not around, to denial that it's real people he's talking to. I love him with all my heart and soul. People think he's a terrific guy. We share much together and have a good relationship in so many other ways. Our sex life is frequent, creative and imaginative. Each time he's puts me through this hell, he cries for forgiveness, tells me how much he loves me and how good I am to him, puts on his best behavior and swears it won't happen again. I've left him twice, we've seen a therapist who specializes in sexual addictions, and still, it appears he will never stop. He always says he would never actually meet anyone - but a few days ago, I discovered he had been e-mailing local women on CraigsList. At the same time, he had been exchanging e-mails with an old acquaintance whom he recently saw at an event we attended together - and he was asking her for a date, told her he was interested in a "no strings attached" relationship because he didn't want to risk us, and letting her know when I would be out of town. He swears he never followed through - but how do I know? He has decimated the trust in our relationship. It has finally dawned on me that I could be the perfect woman and girlfriend, do everything right, spend every moment with him - and still, he wouldn't be able to stay away from the thrill. So ladies - the only people who don't think cybersex is cheating are those who do it. It's not your fault - it's his problem. It's an addiction as sure as drugs or alcohol, and there's every chance in the world it will lead to the real thing. It's up to us to decide whether we can live with the behavior, or whether we deserve better - even if that means letting go and being on our own.

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      9 years ago

      well, I am 2 months pregnant my husband is in Iraq and he is having cybersex with a lot of other women also he was stationed in GA and is having cybersex with one of the women he met there what do you do. Should I divorce him? to me that is cheating.

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      9 years ago

      I have had the same stuff happened to's something I couldn't believe with how much my partner talked about how he hated cheaters because his ex did that to him and he would never do that to me...he was on myspace chat with some girl and I saw the history of the messages they had been sending...he was saying things like send me naked pics and wanting her to talk dirty to him...we have talked a lot about it and he finally broke down and cried about it...i love him so much and I am having a really hard time with this...he said he did it for the attention he wasn't getting from me...I am at a point I don't know what to do ...I love him so much and don't want to lose the relationship we have it has been great up to this point and I don't think he has ever done this to me before...We have been together for a year and half before this ever happened...he said in a way he wanted me to catch him because he was getting addicted...He calms he loves me so much but I just don't see how you can love somebody and cheat on them like that...i have been nothing but faithful to him...He asked me to close down his account and put a lock on the computer so he can't do it ever again...we live together so I know there asn't been a physical relations with anyone eles and our phones are in my name so I can check all the information...i honestly do think it has been this one time but it still hurts and i just don't know if i can forgive him for it or not...somebody please help me with this...figuaring out what to say to him about, maybe signs that I can read from him to tell if he is sincere or not...PLEASE is breaking my heart into a million pieces...

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      9 years ago

      Cybersex is cheating! If you don't want it done to you behind your back and know how it would make you feel don't. Plus, if those feelings you feel if your partner did it are occuring it is wrong. Your emotionally and mentally cheating...You are involving yourself sexually and personally with another person. How would you feel if your lover did that?!?!?!

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      9 years ago

      I have a similar situation.

      Last night I found that my boyfriend has been begging girls for their naked pictures and saying that he could meet up with them whenever they wanted. All of the comments were very sexual and he seemed very desperate.

      On his profile it said that he was in a realtionship that he wasn't happy with.

      I confronted him about it and he said it was just boredom when he is alone at home. but if he is bored, why doesn't he text ME these sexual things instead of saying them to these women?

      He has promised never to do it again and iv said ok because i love him so so much. But I really don't think I can get over this and if i approach him about it again, I know that he will get angry for not trusting him even though I do.

      PLEASE help..i really want to save my relationship.

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      9 years ago

      I have caught my partner out for the 4th time and asked him to leave. He refuses to go and said that this time he has only downloaded some porn .But because i caught him on sex chat lines 3 times before does he expect me to beleive him? I tnever forgave him for the last times i caught him, i don't think he plans to meet anyone but you never know ...I loved him so much but after i found out the first time it hurt so much that i put a barrier up and half expected him to do it again, even though he said he was ashamed. People say men do it when there are problems with their sex lives at home. But when i met my partner he was and still is crazy about me and we were in the early stages of our relationship and had great sex all the time. It made no sense as he moved in with me and said he had been looking for me all of his life and couldn't believe how lucky he was.Now i just want him to leave because he makes me feel sick.

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      9 years ago

      I caught my husband years ago online interactive hard porn. I was shocked he was into it. I was hurt. He lied to try to cover it up, but I knew. Anyway we had a long discussion regarding boundaries in our marriage and how this was beyond marital boundaries, how I would be willing to participate in these activities in order to satisfy him. He promised not to engage or hide this stuff again. I reminded him that it could ruine our family (3 kids). I've caught him twice since and this last time revealed about a twenty porn site hits. I'm fed up with the deceit and lying. He says I'm over-reacting. I feel like I should leave, but its so unfair to our kids. Any advice?

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      My husband had a brief relationship online with a woman (so called) in 2004. I found out by looking at his message archive because I was suspicous. He would play games and everytime I walked in the room he would minimize the chat window. He started talking about this online friend. I have online guy friends but they all know I am married. He told this "woman" that he had a friend. I was devestated. I had trusted him with my whole heart. I called him and told him I envaded his privacy. I was working a lot of evening shifts and he was chatting while I was gone. He came home and we deleted his profile changed passwords etc. It is still hard to trust him. I have aniexty attacks when I have to work an evening shift. He told me he was ashamed by his actions. It is taking awhile to regain that trust.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      If it hurts your mate, you shouldn't do it. i have known entire families to split up over something going on online.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      9 years ago

      Cybersex is cheating if you define the act as something you would not do in front of your mate and if you are caught would attempt to deceive or lie to get out of it. Exchanging nude photos, Instant messaging erotic flirtations, and masturbating via cam/PC does not involve physical contact and yet most men would be upset if their wife or girlfriend was doing these things with another man. If pot leads to trying stronger drugs it is safe to say that cybersex will lead to physical sex. It 's just a matter of time. People cheat because it's a fun selfish act . Some people cheat because they are looking to fill a gap in their relationship and others cheat out of boredom. The only difference between sex in the chat room or sex in the bedroom outside of your relationship is that sex in the chat room is safe sex.

    • profile image

      Tom..Please help me. 

      9 years ago

      My girlfriend had cybersex with an ex yesterday. I am devastated. We have been living together for 2 months and my family cant believe it because it seemed that she was soo into me. I am not sure what to do. I have already confronted her about it, she tried to hide it but when she saw that I knew what had gone on, she admitted to it all. She said that she didn't know why she did it etc.... she said that she has realised that she has done wrong and will do anything to make it up to me. Now we have only been going out for 2 months but we have lived together the whole time. In essence I believe (going on past relationships and relationships of friends) I have seen more of her in 2 months than most couples do in 6months to a year at the initial stages. She has always told me how much we fit and that she wants to make a life together with me. She has assured me taht she will do whatever it takes. I told her that I want her to delete her profile online (where it started) and to delete him from her MSN. The chat they had was soo explicit they may well have just met up to do it. Please help me, I love this girl so much and I don't know what to do. I know it sounds crazy but everything we share is awesome, every moment we are together we.....well I feel awesome and as if she is the only person on the planet. Please help me I don't wanna turn round in 5 years and have it happen again. what can I do?

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      i fount out a few days ago that my boyfriend was having cyber-sex with several women on this thing called fone zaps on his iphone. when i confronted him about it he just said that 'i found what i was looking for' so i gave him a choice o choose that or me. he said he chose me but i checked one night ago and he was still connected to them. when i asked if he got rid them (without him knowing id already checked) he said yes. he doesn't seem to understand his hurts. it is most definitely cheating. and if the tables were turned he wouldn't stand 4 it. ladies be ware!

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      I know how this person feels. I just found out thay my husband of 11 years has been cybering on adult friend finder. I am devistated. He is not gay or bisexual, but is chatting with couples and other women. His site says he is looking for a couple to take advantage of him. When I found out his password, I saw where he had exchanged numbers with this one couple. I confronted him and he said that he was just on there to find out who these people were in our area and that he would never cheat on me. I don't believe him. He stopped using that screen name and started another one. I got his information on that one too. What do I do? I love him so much and he says that he would never cheat on me...Why do guys do this? DO I trust him to know what is right or wrong? He only does this when I am not home. He is sneaky, but I got his number!

    • stevenschenck profile image


      10 years ago from Sacramento California

      The internet offers a variety of potential arousal prospects. If your spouse is looking at pictures without communicating with the person that is not cheating and probably keeps them occupied when the other spouse is tired or gone and keeps them safe.

      When the internet involves contact with another person, that is cheating. I do not think that people understand how dangerous this is from many points.

      Great subject and I hope to read more of your hubs.

      Steven Schenck

    • epifanny profile image


      10 years ago from AU

      i share sasoo9 views.. i too caught out my ex bf red handed ..  he confessed to me previous to being caught.. said he was sorry and wont do it again blah blah blah... perhaps out of guilt??.. but get this.. he still continued doing it when i wasnt there!!.. and it was during this time that i caught him.. to me i felt let down and hurt.. although no physical contact was made.. still its the intention.. the intention to be sneaky.. and break his promise.. knowing how i felt about it.. i have been single for nearly 7 years now and have had the opportunity to engage in a few cybers myself since.. and my attitude towards it these days is a lil more relaxed.. however i still have that horrid moment of discovery etched deep in my head.. and i still say its cheating.. only because of my previous  experience with it.. but yes i do agree with what you mention.. that there must be honest discussion about how each feels about cybering and what they would put up with.. assuming we know how sumone would react is a direct consequence of lack of communication .. my bf had exactly the same comeback line as you wrote above too btw.. he couldn't understand why i was so upset.. (even in front of his friends)..  typical male ignorance.. i make no apologies for my singledom..  thx for sharing this..  :) 

    • profile image


      10 years ago

      is cyber sex cheating?

      i caught my husband BEEN doing it when i left to see my parents in another state. its not an acceptable behavior for a married man to cyber sex with women younger and older than him. he hid this from me, so to me it is cheating and he absolutely broke the trust that i had for him. he lied, he hurt me, he decieved me. when i asked him to be in my shoes he said well its different you are a woman! can u believe it? i really feel disgust when i look at him now. how can i share the same bed with someone who lied to me and did such a perverted thing?

    • profile image

      Medical Alert Calling Systems 

      10 years ago

      Maybe Cyber Sex is cheating... But is it as bad as physical/real cheating?

    • privateye2500 profile image


      10 years ago from Canada, USA, London

      P.S. Art - I totally agree with you 99%.


    • privateye2500 profile image


      10 years ago from Canada, USA, London

      In a word - Yes.

      I am writing about it too.


    • ART WITH ASHES profile image


      10 years ago

      Great hub! I'd like to see more on the affect of cyber dating/sex for the single person. I am of the opinion that it is more fulfilling for the man. Maybe could be a bit depressing for the woman.

      I say this because of the nature of the sexes. Men just need realease, while women need emotional fulfillment. So, therefore, men would get the satisfaction and women would be left wanting.

      Just my opinion,no plans in the future of finding out first-hand.

      I look forward to reading more from you. Thank you

    • JazLive profile image


      10 years ago from Decatur

      SEX gender (male, female)

      SEXUAL intercourse (unprotected-chances procreation // protected-diminish chance of procreation)

      SEXUAL arousal


      - Viagra [laboratory failure for the scientist, originally started out seeking a drug that would help heart transplant patients not reject newly transplanted heart ** side-effect --> stimulation of the lower extremity EUREKA just make it penis enhancement and throw away the suction cups and pumps] ... and cease failed surgeries at $17,000 a pop [tried to enhance penis via surgery to make longer, but failed to include /// shrinkage, loss of sensation and deformity

      - pornography

      - kissing (anywhere)

      - various other "examples - eye candy [reckless eye balling aka back in the day "girl or guy watching"], cuddling, hugging, ..."

      Personally, this topic "cyber sex" falls in the category of arousal (pornography) and "cheating" should only apply to "intercourse (protected and unprotected)

      ** cheating should not be merged/twisted with outright lying in order to engage in arousal

      NOTE: Where did ALL the Viagra info come from? Over 17 years of employment in a Veterans Hospital. Guys shared lots of information about their virility as well as their buddy's -- I dare not EVER name names ;)

    • MaryD profile imageAUTHOR


      11 years ago

      If you'll notice the first half of the article is towards both men and women, you are right, it goes both ways. Women cheat just as men do.

    • fyxer profile image


      11 years ago from mt vernon

      why is it always about what men are doing wrong--women lie cheat and do a lot of things too--they are just better at hiding what they do--they are neat--men are more sloppy so they get caught--


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