ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

I've Found the Light

Updated on January 1, 2015

A New Beginning

Personal photo.  Picture may not be reproduced or used in any way without prior written consent of author.
Personal photo. Picture may not be reproduced or used in any way without prior written consent of author.

First Phase of Finding My Light

I’ve been asked to follow up my last Hub. Let me begin by telling you that I have found the light again. I have moved past the hatred, the anger, and the pain and I celebrate my life now every day. However, just like my decline into darkness was gradual, the climb out has been equally so. I won’t lie or sugar coat it for anyone. I don’t want anyone getting the idea that you simply make a decision one day and with a snap of your fingers everything just slides into place. You will have days when you wonder if going back would be easier. Fear of failure will be suffocating. Fear of the unknown just as bad. You will hate yourself, but you will crave familiarity. There is a story beyond this portion. As I gain more strength and more confidence, I will continue to share with you my journey to the light.

Reaching the End Point

No one can make the decision for you to remove yourself from an unhealthy environment except YOU. I had friends and family that recognized my unhappiness although they didn’t know the extent of what was going on, but they knew they could only say and do so much. When I was in the midst of my marriage I didn’t want anyone bad mouthing my husband or our relationship. I may have been hurting and I may have even grown to hate him eventually, but I was proud. Too proud for my own good. I made the decision to marry this man, the man who had already given me one child and who through the marriage would give me two more. In my eyes, you are loyal to your partner through it all. I was determined to stand by his side, just as I was determined to find a way to make and keep him happy. I hadn’t yet reach the point where I recognized that this was HIS problem and that I had nothing to do with it and that I wasn’t going to be able to change him.

Pivotal Moments

We all have them. Those points in life where you know you are at a crossroads. If I go this way, this will happen and vice versa. I had those throughout my relationship. I recall them vividly and I recall my thought processes. I was such a different person than I am at this moment. I couldn’t have made the other choice because I hadn’t yet reached the critical point yet. That moment didn’t arrive until October of 2011. I had already decided in the preceding months that I was going to divorce this man. I was finishing my final year of college and would be graduating in May 2012 and I knew that was my deadline. However, from summer of 2011 until October 2011 I was running on fumes. One day in October I got a call from my oldest child’s teacher. He needed to meet with me. I knew something was wrong. When I went to the school I met with his teacher as well as the principal. As a mom I had volunteered often at the school so I had a personal relationship with this principal and she immediately looked at me with concerned eyes and gently started to relay the events from earlier in the day. My son had gotten upset over a trivial matter in class with another boy and in retaliation he had become physical. Obviously, physical aggression in school (as it should be in life) is addressed immediately. While discussing the issue with both his teacher and the principal my son reported that he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it because his dad did the same thing when he was mad. Talk about a punch in the gut! I knew when I made eye contact with the principal that she recognized what was happening in this family. In seconds a wave of emotions hit me. Anger, embarrassment, fear, disbelief, and most of all, sadness. I wanted more for my kids.

Preparing for the End


I still didn’t have a plan. I had no money. Up until this point I’d been a stay at home mom who had only in the last couple of years stepped out to begin getting my college degree in preparation for the day when my kids were all in school. Add that to the fact that I was told daily that I had no control and no money. Everything I had was his. He provided everything. I knew I was desperate though so I started reaching out a little more. I finally opened up to family. My mom became a confidant. I refused to tell her just how bad things were, but I needed her to know where I was at. I needed to make sure she was prepared to have me home along with my three kids. She assured me that my stepfather and she would always be there and that their door was open. I told her I wanted to make it through the holidays. October came and went. We made it through November and during our Thanksgiving holiday I opened up more to my grandmother and my aunt. I was feeling very defeated by this point and I needed someone in my corner. They were.

I’m Leaving

It was the beginning of December and we had had dinner at my mom’s place. While I was cooking with her I told her I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to leave. I left my mom’s that night with the kids and went home. My mother was worried. I had insisted on telling him face to face that I was leaving. As his wife I felt I owed that to him. My mom called upon other family members and they parked near my house waiting, just in case. Once the kids were settled in bed I told him. At first he was in denial, but as I continued to express myself and to stick to it he realized I was serious. The next stage was tears, begging, and even promises. I had heard so many apologies and empty promises that they didn’t even touch me. As I outlined my plan to move my personal belongings and half of the kid’s things out tomorrow morning after he went to work he grew angry. I quickly let him in on the fact that there were two carloads of family outside. We spent hours in this cycle of denial, tears and begging, and then anger until he finally gave up and went to bed. I stayed on the couch keeping an eye on the bedroom door and texting updates to my mom. The next day, he went to work and I rapidly loaded my car with personal belongings and then went to my mom’s.

Free

I had done it! I was free! I remember the feeling of relief I felt. Little did I know that I had simply started a new phase of this tumultuous adventure. Leaving someone who has no respect for boundaries or for you isn’t as simple as goodbye. Starting over when you are as broken as I was proved to be almost too much to achieve. If you are someone who is in or is trying to get out of such a situation, please recognize that you will need to reach out to others and that there is nothing wrong with accepting help. It doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you are intelligent enough to use your resources. As you work through the healing, please know that no one expects you to do it without faltering, please don’t expect that of yourself.

I Am

I am a bottle of emotions waiting to erupt.
I wonder what it would be like to freely speak my mind.
I hear the thoughts of those who surround me.
I see the fear within my eyes.
I want to know that in the end it will all work out.
I am a bottle of emotions waiting to erupt.
I imagine a life without pain, worry, or regret.
I feel anxious about what tomorrow holds.
I touch the lives of all I meet.
I worry that I will let everyone down.
I cry because I cannot make it alright.
I understand that one can only handle so much alone.
I say, “I’m fine.  Don’t worry about me.”
I dream about all of the lives I will change.
I try to reach an unattainable level of perfection.
I hope I remember to take one day at a time.
I am a bottle of emotions waiting to erupt.

					A.Branine

Lots of Love

Personal photo.  Picture may not be reproduced or used in any way without prior written consent of the author.
Personal photo. Picture may not be reproduced or used in any way without prior written consent of the author.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Juliet Stewart profile image

      Juliet Stewart-Austin 

      3 years ago from San Antonio, TX.

      Very well done, You made it out with your Children and you are now growing and hopefully, well on your way to recovery.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)