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What is The Root Cause of Jealousy? - How to Overcome The Fear of Losing Your Partner

Updated on February 2, 2012


Jealousy is a destructive emotion -- especially in relationships. It is the leading cause of fights in relationships and also the leading cause of break ups. This article will focus on what jealousy REALLY is, the masks it wears and how to overcome it and get rid of it once and for all.

I know that if you put the techniques in this article to full, honest use, you will be able to overcome your jealousy almost instantly and this will open the door for your relationship to soar to new heights and build stronger through mutual trust, honesty, openness and communication.

If you feel your partner or another close friend would benefit from the information you find in this article, please pass it along and share the knowledge.


Causes of Jealousy

A lot of people mistake the symptoms of jealousy for the causes of jealousy, when in reality they are not the same.  For example, a girl may say that when her boyfriend talks to other girls, it causes her to feel jealousy.  Or when a guy's wife dresses immodestly in public and he sees other guys checking her out, it causes him to feel jealous. 

The problem with mistaking the symptoms of jealousy for the causes of jealousy is that dissolving and getting rid of the jealous feelings then becomes the job of your partner who has to give up freedom to save your relationship with them.  In the above example, if the girl truly saw her boyfriend talking to other girls as the cause of jealousy, she'd believe that the only way she'd get over the jealous feelings is if he was to stop talking to other girls.  In reality, that would fix nothing.  She'd soon find a whole new set of behaviors of his that would make her feel jealous.  To cure jealousy permanently and effectively, one need not involve their partner in the process.  The cure of jealousy happens within.

So what is the cause of jealousy?  The true root cause of jealousy, at its deepest level, is the fear of loss.  In this case, the fear of losing your partner.  Jealousy is sparked by the fear that, if your partner spends enough time getting to know other people, he or she will eventually realize they'd rather be with someone else than you and leave you.  In its true nature, jealousy is nothing but the combination of utter fear and selfishness.

Develop your self confidence and obliterate your jealousy.
Develop your self confidence and obliterate your jealousy.

Techniques to Overcome Jealousy

Now that we know the entire cause of jealousy is fear, how do we overcome this fear so we no longer feel jealous? Below I have listed the necessary steps to take in overcoming this fear of losing your partner to someone else that leads to jealousy.

  • Become More Independent

After being in relationships long enough, we often begin to lose our own identity. Instead, the relationship becomes your identity and whenever you feel at threat of losing your partner, you feel a sense that your whole personal identity is in jeopardy.

The first step to overcoming jealousy is by re-establishing your individual identity. Remember all the fun things you used to do BEFORE you were in a relationship? Be sure to make personal time for yourself each day to enjoy those things. More importantly, pick up an old hobby.

The more time you invest in treating yourself to things you enjoy, the more you'll realize you can be happy all on your own and you won't feel so dependent on your partner. The less dependent you feel on your partner, the easier it will be to let them go if they decide to leave you for someone else and the less fear you'll have over it as well. This means much less jealousy.

  • Boost Your Self Confidence

A large chunk of the fear of losing your partner to someone else (the root of jealousy) is based on not feeling like you could ever find a partner as attractive as your current one again. The way to remedy this is to boost your self confidence by doing whatever you need to in order to KNOW you could find someone just as attractive as your current partner, if not more attractive, if they ever were to leave you.

How do you do this? Hit the gym regularly. Start eating healthier. Get plenty of rest, plenty of water, plenty of sunshine and just start taking better care of yourself. If you have to sacrifice time you would have spent with your partner to do this, then GREAT! That's what the first step, Become More Independent was all about.

This will work wonders to help overcome jealousy.

  • Learn to Respect Yourself

Just like with anyone else, you have to earn your own respect. Ask yourself what kind of qualities do you respect in other people? Honesty, integrity, loyalty, commitment, hard work, self control and self discipline? These are the same qualities you must learn to possess, if you do not already, in order to respect yourself more.

The more you respect yourself, the more you will see you deserve someone who respects you as well. When and if your partner ever chooses to leave you for another person, you will have enough respect for yourself to realize you deserve someone better than that who will stay more loyal and committed to you.


By taking full responsibility for your jealousy, and not shifting the blame for it to the actions of your partner, and by implementing the above three steps, you can overcome jealousy almost instantly.

Remember, you can not control your partner. You can only control yourself. You do NOT own your partner in any sense and they are free to do whatever they want. You have to accept this in order to overcome jealousy and begin to work on developing your independence, self esteem and self respect.

Take the time to re-develop your own individual identity and you won't feel as threatened when you feel someone or something may threaten the integrity of your relationship.


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    • AmandaJon profile image

      Amanda Jones 4 years ago

      Good, practical advice for couples! Great Hub, enjoyed reading it.

    • grand old lady profile image

      Mona Sabalones Gonzalez 4 years ago from Philippines

      Thank you Jared, this is one of the clearest explanations of jealousy followed by a step-by-step recipe on how to deal with it that I have read so far. voted up and I will share this with a couple of friends:)

    • Brinafr3sh profile image

      Brinafr3sh 5 years ago from West Coast, United States

      Hi Jared, I totally agree, and well written hub. Jealousy feeling are a sign of fear, thinking that someone can take their mate, then they will be alone. But when we are confident in ourself, we shouldn't feel jealous. Awesome and voted up.

    • rex michaels profile image

      rex michaels 6 years ago