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Jealousy; Insecure or Untrusting?

Updated on August 25, 2011

"Read this later. I know you're busy. No response necessary. I just wanted to apologize for thinking you were abnormal because you said you didn't get jealous. I have been doing some research and found this is possible. Doesn't mean, though, that I didn't trust you. It means that I have very deep-rooted insecurities. Your being excessively flirtatious and insensitive to how I felt about that triggered my jealous reactions. Just thought I would tell you that."

This is a text that I recently sent to my now ex-boyfriend. In preparing to write this article, I discovered some new things about myself that I am neither happy with nor proud of. I have always believed that being jealous was a way of showing someone how much you cared for, or even loved, them. In my case, jealously highlighted my insecurities. There was a time in my life when I was a very strong, secure, and independent person; an abusive marriage of twenty-eight years changed all that. I have been on the road to recovery since my divorce, but have decided I still have a long way to go before I can be considered healthy again.

I professed to my boyfriend that I trusted him; looking deeper into myself, I now believe I only "partially" trusted him. On the surface, I knew that he would never have done anything to intentionally hurt me. I now know when he said someone was just a friend, that is exactly what he meant. My past experience with my ex-husband kept me from truly believing; the years of him professing to be faithful while in actuality, the oppisite was true. Years of wanting to believe him all the while knowing he was not--denial.

Webster's dictionary defines insecurity as someone "...prone to fear or anxiety..." while jealously is defined as someone "...intolerant of unfaithfulness or rivalry...mental uneasiness due to suspicion or fear of rivalry." I now understand more clearly why I flew into a jealous rage in both my marriage and my relationship with my boyfriend. The fear of not knowing was crippling; the knowing was just as dibilitating.

While my ex-husband was a liar and a cheater, I have driven a very honest and loving man away. But, in my defense, while he was deserving of my trust, he did nothing to help me understand. All I saw was the attention and kindnesses he gave to his female friends. I expressed to him on numerous occasions how i felt left out and sometimes jilted as his partner. He continually accused me of not trusting him. He said he could not understand why I would overreact to his friendships with other females. I had admitted to him that I was jealous, but I myself could not understand why; he didn't understand the concept of jealousy.

His response to my text was "That is a virtue, too. I give you major points. Don't take this the wrong way, but that had to hurt for you to admit. That's a good thing." I responded with "It didn't hurt to say it. It hurt to realize it."


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    • Mavhe Quijada profile image

      Mavhe Quijada 

      6 years ago from Taguig

      I feel sorry about what happened to you and your ex-boyfriend. All I can say is, jealousy lies beneath the two. It could be either you feel insecure with your relationship or you are untrusting your partner. Sometimes those two matters go together like, you are untrusting because you are insecure or vice versa.

      But for me, being jealous sometimes is normal. As long as it's not harming your humanity, your love one's freedom or threatening your relationship, that;s normal. The jealousy that causes the problem is one that's making someone become possessive and making them feel bad about the whole relationship and about themselves.

      I don't believe there's someone out there who does not get jealous.

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