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Just What Do I Need Santa For, Anyway?

Updated on December 28, 2019
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Ms. Macon is an advice columnist and content writer for radio and television commercials. Catch her on Ask A Bitchface, truly funny truth.

My Standing on the List, After It's Been Checked Twice

I won’t lie, I’ve not been on the “nice” list for quite some time.

I’m comfortable with my standing as far as the fat, jolly guy is concerned. Am I waiting for him to slide down my chimney anytime soon? No, absolutely not. Which brings me to my topic of conversation…

What does todays single woman really need from a man?

I started wondering, after doing my standard “naughty” deduction from my yearly “nice” attempt, and realizing that there was absolutely no way in hell I was getting any freebies from the fat man again this year; what would I actually need for Mr. Jolly to give me anyway?

What Do I Really Need From A Man? Still Thinking, Still Thinking...

I am a single woman through and through. I push mow my lawn in a bikini with a bud light in a coozie.

— -Ms. Macon

The Ken Dolls

I am a single woman through and through. I push mow my lawn in a bikini with a bud light in a coozie. I spray out my own garbage cans on trash day. I pay my bills, I can do a tune up and change a flat tire. I have no qualms about defending myself. I train my dogs, I cuddle with myself, and I tell myself my ass looks exquisite in these jeans.

So what does that leave me actually desiring from a man?

The me in my 20’s wanted the fairy tale. I married my Ken Doll. However, fate dealt us the worst hand since my go at blackjack in Atlantic City in 05, and I must say, much like blackjack, I would rather not attempt that with any substantial amount of chips at stake.

The me in my 30’s wanted to be with someone who could see all of the cracks in my perfection, but loved me anyway. So I took my chances with my second Ken Doll, although, again, it just wasn’t meant to be. It seems I have a real issue connecting with the plastic and asexual. They slip right through my fingers every time.

The goals of the single woman today have changed.

This Isn't A Dramatic Pause

So I vowed that I would find some artist, or musician, or nerd, anything but another Ken Doll. Surely, that type would see how fortunate they were and they would appreciate me, right?

Oh, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It seems that the more out of your league you are to someone, the less likely they are to even present a vain attempt at holding on. It’s as if they tell themselves, “there’s absolutely no way”, so they really don’t even try. Actually, I found that the more “odd couple” I was with a guy, the worse his behavior toward me. So, that was just a bad idea all the way around.

I even attempted to reconnect with my high school sweetheart. Good God, if I began to explain what a nightmare that was, we would be here at least 3 weeks discussing what in the actual hell I could have been drinking that led me to believe it wasn’t the worst idea ever. Whatever it was, I won’t be caught dead drinking it again. Ugh, I can still feel the throbbing, ashtray mouthed, hangover.

I digress.

So, with all of the things that I’ve discovered I don’t need from a man, what do I actually need from one? Besides the physical, which, again, not really a “need”, per se…

This isn’t a dramatic pause. I really cannot think of a solitary thing that a man can provide for me that I cannot, with a little research or luck, provide for myself. The goals of the single woman today have changed. We aren’t all baby crazy, or wedding infatuated. Most women I know could care less about either these days. It’s really not the economy for them.

That really does away with approximately 80% of the “need” for a man. I guess there is the comfort that a man provides, the feeling of safety, the security. Except, those guys don’t really exist any longer. The guys that defend you, the guys that protect you. That was a dying breed ten years ago. They are, for the most part, non existant now.

I guess, if I think long and hard about it, I really only need one guy for one thing. My neighbor, who taught me how to string my vegetable garden. He’s currently teaching me to grow pineapple. Who doesn’t love pineapple? Although, if desperate times called for some measures, I am almost positive there is a video on YouTube.

I’m not going to tell him that, though. Let’s let him think that his presence is required in my little garden. I think it makes both of us feel needed.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2019 MsMacon


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