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Just not good enough
The story of my life
Do you ever feel that you are 'just not good enough' or is it only me. My whole life I've always felt as if I am almost good enough but just not quite there. It's never made me depressed or anything, just accepting. Accepting of the fact that I'm just not good enough to make it. There is always one essential ingredient lacking to prevent me from being a success. I guess, that when it's happened to you your whole entire life at absolutely everything you've tried, then being just not good enough is a part of you. Everytime it happens to me, I just say to myself, "Okay, you're not quite up to scratch, let's see what else we can try." As a result, I have experienced so many things and tried so many things, that I'm a jack of all trades and master of none. There's nothing I can do really well, to be able to make a living from it, yet all my life I've heard how talented I am. So I guess, I'm still searching for that elusive ingredient that'll make me good enough.
Therapists and psychologists will tell you that the essential ingredient is self-belief. Yeah, I can see that but here's the rub. I do have self-belief. I believe that I am good enough. What pisses me off, is that other people, not family and friends, but the other people whom you need to recognise your talents, don't. For some reason or other, I don't quite make the grade. I look at other's efforts and wonder, "How the hell did they manage to make it?"
In elementary school, I was told I had real talent playing netball, but I never made the team. Everybody said I was funny, kind and caring, but nobody wanted to be my best friend, or invited me to their house to play.
In secondary school I was the one everybody came to when they had problems. They appreciated my advice, but they never invited me to their parties. The boys used to pay me to write their love letters and love poems for them. But none of them ever asked me out. I was told I was an excellent hockey player, but never made the first team.
In teacher's training college I was told that I was very bright, but I never won any awards. Although I was everybody's best friend and very popular, no boy wanted a serious relationship with me. I was always almost there, but not quite good enough to be the chosen one.
I paint and have been told by many that I'm a good artist, but I'm just not quite good enough to make it into the big time. I am an excellent cook and baker, but just not quite good enough to turn it into a business.
I am every man's best friend, the person they turn to in times of trouble and stress, the person they confide in who gives up her time to help. But yet, even after that, I'm not the one they'll choose when they are ready for a serious relationship.
Over the years, I've gone into every kind of craft-making business possible to try to make extra money. Although I had a few sales, it was never really good enough to persist with and always ended up costing me more money in the long run.
Now I write. I tried to publish my books the old-fashioned conventional way. But I was just not good enough for them to even be considered by a literary agent. I believe in my books. I believe in my writing, so I've self-published, which some look on as an admission of failure. For me, I am putting my money where my mouth is. I believe I can do it and for once in my life, I am not going to be accepting and think I'm not good enough. I'm going to frigging do it and show those literary agents who wouldn't even read my manuscript that I am good enough.
But now, I look at my three lovely children who I raised single-handed through a mess of broken relationships and I feel so proud. When they achieve, I feel that I was good enough. When people complement me on my children, I think my heart is going to burst with pride. My children are stable and balanced, something unbelievable after the journey we went through together. They've had excellent education in international schools. They've seen the world. They never see me as someone not quite good enough, They always brag about me to their friends. They are proud of my many talents. Okay, so they probably have rose-tinted glasses and think they'll get more pocket money if it's reported to me that they've said nice things. As their mother, I was good enough. And I guess in the end, that's all that matters.