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Lesbian Hate: The Backlash for Not Needing Men

Updated on May 17, 2016
social thoughts profile image

I have a B.A. in English with a minor in Gender and Sexuality Studies. I've been a Goth since age fourteen, and a Pagan since age fifteen.

Image courtesy of Ambro at
Image courtesy of Ambro at | Source

When you live in a heteronormative society, like ours, it's easy to become so comfortable that you can no longer recognize how programmed it all is. Anything other than a gender binary mindset confuses us more than the restraints in which we've become so accustomed. Heteronormativity is the accepted belief that society should run on the binary terms of masculine and feminine. For example, in marriage, the husband (masculine) is assumed to be the breadwinner and the wife (feminine) is supposed to be the caregiver. Deviation from this would be a crime within the gendered binary.

Of course, since it is no longer the 50s, we now understand how crazy it would be if we still forced our society to live by these strict rules. On the other hand, most of us still follow these social rules, unknowingly preventing ourselves from experiencing freedom of expression. Meanwhile, if we know this programmed lifestyle serves no purpose, and in fact hinder our lives, why is it so difficult to comprehend living outside of something so similar to this social construct?

With the heteronormative comes patriarchy. Patriarchy is a society in which the masculine rules everything. While I am not suggesting we have a matriarchy, I would recommend a healthy balance. After all, to prove one's masculinity, men have to conquer men and women, and peace cannot grow in an environment like that. Even mainstream religion worships patriarchy with "God, the father" and "Jesus." The character of Mary, the mother of Jesus, takes second place. Lesbians are viewed as a threat because, like heterosexual men, they date women; therefore, they are see as competition and are discriminated against as punishment. The media mocks angry lesbians who fight this injustice as a way to marginalize the real issue taking place.

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Lesbian Stereotypes Debunked

In this article, I would like to discuss common lesbian stereotypes and debunk them.

"Lesbians Are Angry Women"

Like any oppressed group who isn't being heard or validated, they fight back until they achieve equality—which frequently turns them into even more of a target. Their enemies will use this reaction to their advantage. To successfully defeat the group they're oppressing, they take no responsibility for their destructive actions, but rather place the blame on the targeted group. This "angry lesbian" concept was created to make them appear less sympathetic, so the public will not listen to their intention for equality. The fault is placed with the lesbians for being "unstable" and "angry" while in reality, these lesbians are simply as passionate and human as any other oppressed category of people.

"Lesbians Hate Men"

Many lesbians have several heterosexual male friends. After all, they both like women; therefore, how can they hate someone who may share the same sexual orientation? Heterosexuals wouldn't say the reason they're heterosexual is because they hate people of their own sex. They just aren't attracted to them, sexually or romantically. There is a difference between being biased towards a group verses having a sexual orientation.

"Lesbians Just Haven't Found The Right Man"

Most lesbians dated boys when they were younger, which just ended up confirming their lack of heterosexuality. That attraction isn't there, and it never will be. Those who believe it's true that a lesbian just needs to find the right men should ask themselves how they would feel if they were told they need to date the same sex to be sure they aren't homosexual, themselves! Hell, that frequent assumption, that dating or sleeping with a certain sex will automatically determine if one is gay or straight, should just be applied to every self-assured heterosexual who thinks lesbians just haven't tried dating the opposite sex.

"Lesbians are Promiscuous"

There is the common "U-Haul" joke within the community. In reality, many lesbians actually become emotionally attached to their dates early on. This makes it hard for lesbians to have meaningless sex with other women. This common occurrence of desired monogamy debunks this ridiculous claim about promiscuity. Of course, like any sexual orientation, each person is unique and experiences sex and romance differently; therefore, there is no true stereotype. This is just as ridiculous as the belief that all heterosexuals want to get married and have kids. It just isn't true.

Image courtesy of Simon Howden at
Image courtesy of Simon Howden at | Source

Out and Proud Celebrities

Famous lesbians did not start coming out of the closet until after notable people such as Ellen DeGeneres made it okay. It's important that famous LGBT members come out because it helps to socially normalize being gay. More awareness is needed to end discrimination and these famous lesbians have helped other lesbians, famous or not, come out.

Let's take this argument against "not needing a man" one step further. Regardless of one's sexual orientation, no one should feel they "need" a partner. People should never measure their lives according to their relationship status—no matter how many people choose to. This life is ours, alone. Let's remember that. So, if you're a heterosexual woman or a gay man, I hope you never feel pressured to "need" a man to feel your life is fulfilled. I hope your life's value is being measured by how you attempt to improve the world around you instead of by whether or not you will be in love with someone who loves you back when you die.

© 2014 social thoughts


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  • social thoughts profile image

    social thoughts 20 months ago from New Jersey


    Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts! That is so true!

  • Rebecca Burg profile image

    Rebecca Burg 20 months ago from Florida

    Very intelligent article, thank you for this. More people need to understand, and thoughtful pieces like this one will help! I learned that I don't need a partner to be complete but I do need friendships; with men and women.

  • social thoughts profile image

    social thoughts 2 years ago from New Jersey


    Thank you for reading and commenting!

  • patbona profile image

    patbona 2 years ago

    Very good :) Loved how you debunked these myths. Thank you!

  • social thoughts profile image

    social thoughts 3 years ago from New Jersey

    Nicely put and that is super sweet. :)

  • billybuc profile image

    Bill Holland 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

    I shared a home with a lesbian back in roommate I've ever had....still a dear friend....she was....what is the description I'm looking for??? she was a human being....yes, that's it. :)

  • social thoughts profile image

    social thoughts 3 years ago from New Jersey

    Jlpark- I'm glad you liked it. I know that one, too. I just chose not to include it.

  • jlpark profile image

    Jacqui 3 years ago from New Zealand

    Thanks! As a gay woman myself, I appreciate the debunking of the common myths. The other one is 'which one is the man?' - there isn't a man, that's the point!

    Voted up!

  • social thoughts profile image

    social thoughts 3 years ago from New Jersey

    Thank you. :)

  • misterhollywood profile image

    John Hollywood 3 years ago from Hollywood, CA

    Great hub and I like how you debunked the lesbian myths! Voted up :)