Letter To My Ex-Husband's "Girlfriend"

I need to say this to you so I can go on with my life and fully heal.

I was his wife. Before you think that I’m the wicked ex wife who was a bitch to my husband, you need to think again. I’m a real person, with real feelings. I was the woman who was married to him and lived with him, despite the fact that he took off his wedding ring claiming it was a “sin” to wear gold, threw out the TV set, demeaned me with negative statements, and showed little joy with me in my accomplishments. I heard “.that’s not appropriate” many times.

You will never know the depth of pain that he caused me. Despite what he told you, he gave me no choice but to get out of his house and go to my Dad’s. He acted cold and indifferent by his hateful attitude and hostility toward me. I tried with everything in me to make him happy without losing my identity.

I was good to him during our marriage, treated him with kindness, and tried to give him my affection, despite the wall he placed around himself. He was very much in love with me at one time, until he chose to allow anger and resentment to destroy his love for me. I loved him unconditionally, but his love for me was conditional only if I lived up to his expectations. I doubt he has changed.

The truth is that he would not communicate with me because he was withdrawn into himself, shut me out, and kept me at arm’s length.

We were in contact with each other, regularly, during the separation. I called him when my father went into Hospice care. I called to ask for his support, a prayer, a thought, or a reassurance. I was still his wife despite the separation. I was facing intense grief and sadness. His father in law (my Dad) was going downhill. He couldn’t give me anything but words with no depth; he sounded ‘preoccupied’ and now know why. I was hoping for a chance to reconcile with him. But you were already in the picture.

Remember this: he still had a wife who needed him and asked for his support. He never once called to check on me after that phone call or any other time during the separation. Instead of helping his wife, he chose to focus his attention on a woman he felt needed his help more. There is a huge ‘sensitivity chip’ missing in him.

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By his own admission, he said his motive with you was to “help you”….for whatever upset you had at the time. I’ve been deeply hurt that he chose to ‘help’ you, instead of me, during the stretch of time my father’s health declined.

So how do you think I felt? I could hate forever, but I’m a caring, loving, compassionate woman who fell in love with the boy who had a crush on me in grade-school. I resent the hell out of the fact he tried to replace me, with you, while he was still married to me.

He claims to be in love with you. I resent it, but accept it. You are wise to be cautious. I’m not here to sabotage anything; this is for me and freeing myself from the torment I’ve had for years. He had a spiritual obligation to me. HE WANTED a divorce, not me. He chose to turn his back….refused counsel with his or my pastor, refused counseling altogether. After years of grasping for crumbs of attention and acknowledgement, I was emotionally drained and empty from a lack of compassion from the man I committed my life to.

You may wonder why I act like I care now…. Because I couldn’t feel ANYTHING for 2 ½ years while I lived out of suitcase at my Dad’s, pushing my feelings for my husband under the rug, working a job I hated, tending to the care of an aging parent, and taking my emotions at face value; while HE adjusted to life without me. I did not feel anything until the day the divorce was final

I tried to reach a settlement to get some kind of compensation for what I had invested in the marriage. He stated: “you abandoned me”. That is bull shit. He abandoned me years ago. Do not believe that I walked out because I wanted to. Of course, there is no way to get back what I lost emotionally because, in the end, I gave him exactly what he wanted. He sacrificed nothing to marry me; I gave up everything and walked away with NOTHING.

I have a great emptiness inside. I invested my emotions, heart, hard-earned money, and life into our home. I walked away with a hole in my heart and material items I brought into the marriage, which was not much, since I sold everything I owned to begin a life with him.

I gave him what he wanted: to get out of his life. I wish no other woman to suffer the humiliation I’ve had. This is not retaliation, this is truth and healing. The depth of my pain can never be measured."

And now: The difficulty lies in facing the fact that the "illusion" I had was, in fact, not real. Finding out that the bubble is bursting is shocking and radiates abandonment and rejection in the worst way. However, I have moved on and done everything to heal properly. It has been hard to accept; it has taken a long, long time to finally 'receive it'......4 years. The human inside doesn't have a switch, unfortunately, that can be turned on and off to 'feel' or 'not feel'.