ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Looking Forward and Never Turning Back

Updated on September 19, 2019
sstarclp profile image

Life has dragged me down and then held me up. Never give up even when you have hit a brick wall because praying can turn that wall to dust.

Fairy Tales Do Not Exist And Reality Hurts - Meet The Real Narcissist

I used to be a romantic, now I am a realist. All I ever wanted was a happy marriage and children. Be careful what you ask for you may regret it. I was at the age where I was ready to settle down, but no one was interested. I had high standards and filling that bucket list I thought was beyond reach.

"True pathological narcissists are evading detection because most of us do not understand the many forms the condition may take." - Psychology Today, 2019

Love Bombing

While on vacation in 1993, I met someone who seemed very interested in me. I heard him tell his friend he would marry me. Thinking back now, maybe he intended for me to hear him when I thought he did not know I was listening. I had butterflies in my stomach and thought, "Hey, this has to be real!"

"The love bombing stage is when flattery is present. Even though flattery is virtually a part of all courtship, in the case of love bombing, it transcends to a whole other level. Every communication must include multiple compliments to seduce the victim and provide an almost irresistible feel-good factor that they will find hard to surrender," - by a Conscious Rethink, July 25th, 2019.

How To Spot A Narcissist

As time progressed, I saw things I did not like but ignored it. 'Hey, I am not perfect," I continued with the relationship. Six months later we were married. As the marriage progressed, I saw signs of abuse. The little things like complaining I did not clean the house or yelling at me about wearing makeup when I was home all the time. I still ignored the many signs because I wanted children. I did not want them out of wedlock and so I stayed. The abuse escalated and what I originally thought was a fairy tale became my living nightmare. I was punched in the face a few days short of our first wedding anniversary. To add to the injury, I was living in a place that believed men were superior and women were slaves. Women were not capable of anything beyond having children, cleaning the house, and spreading their legs for their husbands on command. To make matters worse, my father told me, "You made your bed, lie in it." I wanted to run away. I had no direction or help with which way to turn and run.

" If you’re a victim of abuse, the main challenges for you are:

  1. Make sure you can identify it. The narcissist will make you sound crazy.
  2. Building a support system. You need to have somewhere to go for safety.
  3. Learn how to strengthen and protect yourself. Know the signs of abuse before it escalates and how to respond.

Narcissistic Abuse

My first child arrived in 1996. (My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage which should also have been a clear sign to leave.) I enjoyed being a mom. I loved my little bundle of joy like no other and I did not pay attention to the innuendos or remarks. My joy was with my child. Sadly, he tried to smother my child and then blamed me. No one helped.

"Someone with more narcissistic traits who behaves in a malicious, hostile manner is considered a “Malignant narcissist. He isn't bothered by guilt. He can be sadistic and take pleasure in inflicting pain." - Psychology Today, September 17, 2017


Manipulation

I was thinking of leaving four years later. Well, I am not proud, but I thought if I left my child would be an only child. I continued to think that way right up to the divorce proceedings, which he filed, and I paid for because he stole my money from a joint bank account. I cried for a relationship that was never meant to be. I realized later, those tears were not the fear of losing love, but because I selfishly wanted another child. A few months later, I was pregnant with my second child and he filed for divorce again claiming the second child was not his. This time his games were not going to work. I had enough!

"Manipulation is an indirect influence on someone to behave in a way that furthers the goals of the manipulator. - Psychology Today, September 2017.

Controlling You With Flying Monkeys

I was granted a divorce but the nightmare I lived to get there was torture because he did whatever he wanted to hurt me,(including raping me) and got away with it. He used our children to control me. I know now he never loved me. He loved the control, and sadly, looking back I realized I never loved him. The hell I lived through I feel was my punishment for staying.

Years later when a woman from his past came back around...foolish girl, he wanted to impress her so he found some very low people by the names of Brittany and Nathan, who had no moral code. These people are confidential informants and are also legal drug manufacturers and dealers for the very people that were sworn to protect.


Flying Monkeys

"Flying monkeys are people with no boundaries. They love to gossip and drama, they’re addicted to that stuff. They have an integrity problem and usually, they want something from the narcissist." - Psychology Today, May 2018.

I was arrested for making Smores around a campfire in my yard. I was with my children, and these people called the police saying they felt threatened by us making smores and playing music.

Protect Yourself.

The Flying Monkeys lied further saying we chased them with baseball bats. Thankfully, I had a video and had called the police because the baseball bat incident had nothing to do with them and had everything to do with an incident the week before when I found people trespassing on my property at midnight.

The police believed them when they filed a harassment charge. These confidential Informants threatened us and were exonerated of any wrongdoing when all they did was tell lies. I was arrested and the rest is for a made for a television movie.

Be Aware And Set Boundaries

"If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to get outside support to understand clearly what’s going on, help with learning how to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence, and to know how to communicate effectively and set boundaries." - Psychology Today, September 2017

I see life with my eyes wide open, wider than I ever wanted them to be. Sadly, I am not so quick to extend myself to help people like before. I am more protective of myself because so many people hurt you when they realize you have a good heart.


Taking Your Life Back

I moved forward with my life and never want to look back. I do not want him in or around my life and thankfully, my children see how he is and want nothing to do with him either.

The moral of this or what I hope what I have conveyed in this article is: Watch for the warnings. "If something does not feel right, listen to that inner voice and walk away before you get more baggage than you can handle." I am waiting for the day I get to move far away. I have my own scars because of what was done to me that will never heal. But despite it all, he will never control me or hurt me again. I am very aware and will not ever let anyone else do what I tolerated for far too many years. Lesson learned.

To begin healing one must first set a boundary and then start practicing it by learning how to say no. It will help you build self-respect and true confidence. Your boundary is like a cell wall. It keeps nutrients in and toxicity out. Become very picky whom you let in. - by Soul GPS, June 2017.

Comments

Submit a Comment
  • sstarclp profile imageAUTHOR

    Shining Star 

    22 months ago from Alabama

    dashingscorpio - Yes I was in a dark place back then and through self-awareness and healing I found out much of that dealt with my childhood. I left him twice but due to lack of family and friend support, I foolishly let myself get caught back up in his web of deceit. I may also add that I never went back to a relationship, only because I wanted to keep my children safe. Now that my children are older, there are no laws to help him with his control. I wrote this article to help other women, and yes, I accepted my responsibility in this situation because I did have low self-esteem. I only hope others will learn from the torture I endured.

  • dashingscorpio profile image

    dashingscorpio 

    22 months ago from Chicago

    “I saw things I did not like but {ignored} it.”

    “I saw signs of abuse….”

    “I still {ignored the many signs} because (I) wanted children.”

    “I was thinking of leaving four years later. Well, I am not proud, but I thought if I left my child would be an only child.”

    “I cried for a relationship that was never meant to be. I realized later, those tears were not the fear of losing love, but because (I) selfishly wanted another child.”

    The truth of the matter is you could have met, fell in love, married, and had children with another man. In a world with over 7 Billion people odds are in your favor he’s not the only man you could get. There is no shortage of men or women!

    " If you’re a victim of abuse, the main challenges for you are:

    1. (I believe the challenge is to Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself)

    2. Take responsibility for (your choices) and LEARN from your mistakes. This is empowering because if you know (you) created the problem it means (you) can fix the problem.

    3. Quietly develop an exit strategy.

    We spend so much time analyzing the narcissist and their methods rather than understanding if we truly loved ourselves and had a healthy self-esteem we would have never (chosen) a narcissist to begin with! We ignore “red flags”, refuse to set boundaries, and do not have “deal breakers” because on some level we believe we are getting more than we are giving.

    We’ve all heard: “Nice guys finish last.” No one has ever heard of: “The lonely narcissist.” Why do you think that is?

    The dirty secret few people are willing to admit is many people are ATTRACTED to narcissists! Whether it is to bask in their “limelight”, feel secure wrapped in their wings, or have someone take charge so that we can relax, there’s a reason why people keep (choosing) narcissists as mates.

    As in your case along with many others the relationship or marriage doesn’t come to an end until the narcissist decides to walk away! One would think the victim would be proactive about getting out.

    What would happen if the abuser never walked out? You wonder how many victims would stick it out. There are always going to be “reasons” for someone to justify staying the course especially if a person doesn’t love them self. When we change our circumstances change.

    The only person you can control is yourself. Learning how to choose the “right mate” for oneself is the key to finding happiness. If you went to the grocery store to purchase an apple but bought an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No!

    You learn to become a “better shopper”.

    “Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.”

    - Oscar Wilde

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)