Looking Forward and Never Turning Back

I used to be a romantic, now I am a realist. All I ever wanted was a happy marriage and children. Be careful what you ask for you may regret it. I was at the age where I was ready to settle down, but no one was interested. I had high standards and filling that bucket list I thought was beyond reach.

"True pathological narcissists are evading detection because most of us do not understand the many forms the condition may take." - Psychology Today, 2019

While on vacation in 1993, I met someone who seemed very interested in me. I heard him tell his friend he would marry me. Thinking back now, maybe he intended for me to hear him when I thought he did not know I was listening. I had butterflies in my stomach and thought, "Hey, this has to be real!"

"The love bombing stage is when flattery is present. Even though flattery is virtually a part of all courtship, in the case of love bombing, it transcends to a whole other level. Every communication must include multiple compliments to seduce the victim and provide an almost irresistible feel-good factor that they will find hard to surrender," - by a Conscious Rethink, July 25th, 2019.

As time progressed, I saw things I did not like but ignored it. 'Hey, I am not perfect," I continued with the relationship. Six months later we were married. As the marriage progressed, I saw signs of abuse. The little things like complaining I did not clean the house or yelling at me about wearing makeup when I was home all the time. I still ignored the many signs because I wanted children. I did not want them out of wedlock and so I stayed. The abuse escalated and what I originally thought was a fairy tale became my living nightmare. I was punched in the face a few days short of our first wedding anniversary. To add to the injury, I was living in a place that believed men were superior and women were slaves. Women were not capable of anything beyond having children, cleaning the house, and spreading their legs for their husbands on command. To make matters worse, my father told me, "You made your bed, lie in it." I wanted to run away. I had no direction or help with which way to turn and run.

" If you’re a victim of abuse, the main challenges for you are:

1. Make sure you can identify it. The narcissist will make you sound crazy.
2. Building a support system. You need to have somewhere to go for safety.
3. Learn how to strengthen and protect yourself. Know the signs of abuse before it escalates and how to respond.

My first child arrived in 1996. (My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage which should also have been a clear sign to leave.) I enjoyed being a mom. I loved my little bundle of joy like no other and I did not pay attention to the innuendos or remarks. My joy was with my child. Sadly, he tried to smother my child and then blamed me. No one helped.

"Someone with more narcissistic traits who behaves in a malicious, hostile manner is considered a “Malignant narcissist. He isn't bothered by guilt. He can be sadistic and take pleasure in inflicting pain." - Psychology Today, September 17, 2017

I was thinking of leaving four years later. Well, I am not proud, but I thought if I left my child would be an only child. I continued to think that way right up to the divorce proceedings, which he filed, and I paid for because he stole my money from a joint bank account. I cried for a relationship that was never meant to be. I realized later, those tears were not the fear of losing love, but because I selfishly wanted another child. A few months later, I was pregnant with my second child and he filed for divorce again claiming the second child was not his. This time his games were not going to work. I had enough!

"Manipulation is an indirect influence on someone to behave in a way that furthers the goals of the manipulator. - Psychology Today, September 2017.

I was granted a divorce but the nightmare I lived to get there was torture because he did whatever he wanted to hurt me,(including raping me) and got away with it. He used our children to control me. I know now he never loved me. He loved the control, and sadly, looking back I realized I never loved him. The hell I lived through I feel was my punishment for staying.

Years later when a woman from his past came back around...foolish girl, he wanted to impress her so he found some very low people by the names of Brittany and Nathan, who had no moral code. These people are confidential informants and are also legal drug manufacturers and dealers for the very people that were sworn to protect.

"Flying monkeys are people with no boundaries. They love to gossip and drama, they’re addicted to that stuff. They have an integrity problem and usually, they want something from the narcissist." - Psychology Today, May 2018.

I was arrested for making Smores around a campfire in my yard. I was with my children, and these people called the police saying they felt threatened by us making smores and playing music.

The Flying Monkeys lied further saying we chased them with baseball bats. Thankfully, I had a video and had called the police because the baseball bat incident had nothing to do with them and had everything to do with an incident the week before when I found people trespassing on my property at midnight.

The police believed them when they filed a harassment charge. These confidential Informants threatened us and were exonerated of any wrongdoing when all they did was tell lies. I was arrested and the rest is for a made for a television movie.

"If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to get outside support to understand clearly what’s going on, help with learning how to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence, and to know how to communicate effectively and set boundaries." - Psychology Today, September 2017

I see life with my eyes wide open, wider than I ever wanted them to be. Sadly, I am not so quick to extend myself to help people like before. I am more protective of myself because so many people hurt you when they realize you have a good heart.

I moved forward with my life and never want to look back. I do not want him in or around my life and thankfully, my children see how he is and want nothing to do with him either.

The moral of this or what I hope what I have conveyed in this article is: Watch for the warnings. "If something does not feel right, listen to that inner voice and walk away before you get more baggage than you can handle." I am waiting for the day I get to move far away. I have my own scars because of what was done to me that will never heal. But despite it all, he will never control me or hurt me again. I am very aware and will not ever let anyone else do what I tolerated for far too many years. Lesson learned.

To begin healing one must first set a boundary and then start practicing it by learning how to say no. It will help you build self-respect and true confidence. Your boundary is like a cell wall. It keeps nutrients in and toxicity out. Become very picky whom you let in. - by Soul GPS, June 2017.