- Gender and Relationships
Looking for Closure
Why Won't You Communicate?
Recently, someone whom I felt very close too has violated that relationship by falsely accusing me of behaviors and actions that I did not do and refused me the opportunity to talk out these concerns. Instead of creating or allowing for an environment in which we could discuss the concerns and I could properly defend or explain myself, this person has completely shut me out. As a result, we no longer have any means to repair this relationship. From my perspective, this person has chosen to throw away years of friendship over a made up issue that could easily be solved. This person has closed the door on the relationship, and my attempts to communicate fall on deaf ears. I have many unresolved feelings that cannot be expressed to this particular person due to their unresponsiveness. Sending repeated emails that go unanswered has started to make me feel bad and harm my self-esteem and self-confidence. Given the unprecedented nature of this person’s behavior, it seems almost fruitless for me to wait around to see if this person comes around and decides to communicate.
When Your Can't Have Closure . . .
As a part of life, relationships can sometimes end with many unresolved feelings. People can die unexpectedly, making it impossible for you to say what you feel you need to say to a particular person. When you can’t get closure, you have unfinished business. If you have ever had someone in your life that you wish you could talk to but can’t, you know the horribleness of this situation. Unsettled feelings or issues with someone that can in no way be expressed because the other person is unwilling to communicate with you can be a horrible feeling that occupies your every waking thought, negatively impacting your health and preventing you for being fully functional in your present life. Ideally, the end of a relationship - be it romantic, friendship, or professional - involves that pivotal moment where both parties agree to mutually end the relationship. Maybe, you have that last blow out, drag out fight that leaves you feeling emotionally exhausted and words are exchanged that can never be taken back, and there are just no more words to say. When the relationship ends and you still have words to say, you feels powerless and long for that closure to heal your heart.
Coping Mechanisms to Feel Better
Nothing will help you get rid of your lingering bad feelings overnight. However, there are some things you can do to process your feelings and begin to provide some type of closure for yourself.
Here are some tips that I have been using to deal with my hurt feelings:
- Allow yourself time to grieve over the relationship. Take time from your frantic search to find a way to repair the relationship. Breathe and think - okay maybe I can survive this situation. Think of the positive things that the relationship contributed to your life. Be grateful for those moments. Express sadness that the relationship may not be repaired.
- Talk with a trusted friend to express how you are feeling. Make sure this person is able to keep what you say in confidence and supports you in understanding how you feel.They can provide an outlet for you to express all of your concerns and offer suggestions for how to move forward.
- Find an online support group. No one to talk too anymore? You can find support online. Look for support from others going through a hard time.
- Write the person a letter that you do not send. If the person has passed away or is unwilling to respond, you can write them a letter of all your concerns, hopes, and wishes that you do not send.
- Have a ritual or special way to mark the end of the relationship. Dig a grave for the friendship and bury a symbol of the relationship. Light a candle and say a pray of goodbye and good blessings for that relationship. Do something to mark the end.
- Begin to forgive. Lingering negative feelings do no one any good. Forgive someone for abandoning you in your time of need or simply disappointing you by not being a good friend. Stop saying negative things about them and accept that they have failed you for reasons you don’t understand. The other person doesn’t have to forgive you for you to move forward with your life. Forgiveness is more about preserving your own health and making sure that you move from occupying the victim role into an active agent of your life.
Keep the faith that you will find a way through your pain. Life is full or ups and downs. Relationships end and new relationships will be on your horizon. Open your heart and allow someone into your life even though you have been disappointed in the past.