Love Fading Away

 When he left for vacation, I took that as my opportunity to move on

  Only one man captured my heart and tied it somewhere.... Like a mesmerized child, my love for him made me believe that I walked with clouds all around me. It may not be the ideal Heartwarming type of relationship but it was good enough to bring out the best in me, more so the worst. There were times in my life when I really wished love to instantly fade in my heart and my brain to automatically forget his existense.... But life is always like that... the more you want it, the more you can't get it, the more you don't want it, the more that it will come to you like a very annoying mosquito... through the years, I struggled to that phase of my life, loving him crazily, hating him to the bones, giving up.. accepting I am a doomed that no matter how bad he made me feel I will still love him at the end of the day....

But how come this feeling happened when I never ask for it anymore?...Why do I suddenly feel cold when I have no one to replace him in my heart? how come I can feel that something inside of me is slowly fading.....will love really fade away in time you don't expect? where is the intensity that used to electrify me? I still care I know but he is no longer a priority....How come I am feeling quite guilty now that I am falling out of love? Is it because I am giving him the impression that I am unavailable specially now that he needs me? Why was I surprised to receive a phone call when I used to expect it or  longed for it?

My renewed ego is telling me "this is what you wanted to happen before right?
That soon this guy will realize your value in his life and yet when he realized it, you don't feel the same anymore, that the crazy in love woman never exist anymore, that the woman he is talking to now is a different person, still with a soft heart but more realistic... more sensible."


But I don't want sweet revenge.. I just did not expect that love will still fade when I had it for almost a lifetime...and when it started to leave me, I did not expect that I am going to feel so relieve....and free and happy....

I am not sad, and no longer in pain, but how come I can't see myself the way I see myself before? am I always more beautiful when in pain? or because a woman in pain, is an insecure woman, that no matter what she feels, she needs to look beautiful to hide her sorrow, but in spite of her effort, she still can't realize her beauty?

Will I say I am more confident now, that with or without a man in my life, I can go on? That I am beautiful with or without make up, that cleanliness of my heart will be reflected in my face, that inner glow will be taking effect again....

Or will I just keep quiet and savor the realizations of my life, and learned from the wisdom which I can someday share with my friends... that falling in love and falling apart is not really bad after all.... or will I just be thankful it's simply O V E R....