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Love After Pain and Hurt: Letter as to What Are The reasons Why Love can be Painful?

Updated on October 15, 2016

Letters Of Love And Of Pain

sometimes a letter makes a difference
sometimes a letter makes a difference

Lost And Pained

I found love in the wrong place at the wrong time, it is challenging to say the least. I lost love in the wrong way with the wrong reasons. I suspect that love is one of the biggest relationship issues that people face. we really don't know what love is, but we learn or try to learn. Sometimes it works and sometimes not.

The key to relationships, any relationship really, is not what you have to give or take, or how much suffering you might have because of your love or lack thereof, but what you learn. It is not easy to have a relationship, and it is harder when what you do is taken out of context. This does not mean that you have not tried, but rather that you are hurting. It is best not to be angry at the other person, no matter what the situation, after all you can carry that hurt into the next relationship.

I learned that I have to love myself, and that it is not as easy at it seems. Some dear mentors taught me that I have a bit of learning to do and that working through my writing I can help myself first and then build on that relationship.

I wish that this letter will help others: (I wrote this after my husband and I separated. It helped my understanding of relationships and the issues that they face)

"Dear James:

College sweethearts and everything in between. I think you understood the best and the worst of me, and yet you understood nothing of me. I think in the end the stress of the unknown known broke us down. Young and foolish as they say.

Married for the wrong reasons? I doubt we understood what those reasons were, or we didn't want to tell each other those reasons. I don't think that we would have married if we had known the whole truth.

There wasn't anyone quite like you, but too much loss and to much pain made us break apart. We didn't understand each other enough to communicate our pains and hurts. We fell back into the comforting "old ways." In other words anyone but the other one. why cause more pain?

Youth has its price of naïve and foolish wishes. Love can be a painful reminder of things lost and broken and not reparable. Love when there is nothing to love is also painful I think we both know that. I think we forgot what we needed to be ourselves and simply went with the flow of "he knows/she knows."

It doesn't work that way, Communication is the key and we didn't have that. We had small things a general understanding of events, but not in details. I wasn't a big picture person and you weren't detail oriented. For the most part we existed, but we didn't exist together.

Four jobs and Two people do not make a relationship. Ten hours a week together don't make a lasting loving relationship. That was what it ended up being. Two people in the same room without any understanding of the other.

And Yet...

I still love you, not in the way one might imagine, I know it won't bring us together, but it helps us love no matter what. It helps me understand that love is not a thing that will leave and return with the same person or events.

Love comes in different ways and to different people. Love, is a verb, i understand this now I doubt we as a couple understood this. I wish we did. I still wish you the best and that love, the love you deserve will come to you.

Love, As Always."

love is doing.
love is doing.
Communication is the key
Communication is the key

What Love Is

I wrote this letter thinking that love is a verb and this was my way of showing love. Really this was a complex relationship with issues that were out of our control. If we were older we might have understood this concept.

It is when people forget that love is a verb that they have trouble in a relationship, after all if you go into a marriage with the idea that it will be prefect, then you will be surprised to find that it isn't. Or is you going into a marriage expecting it to fail then that is usually what will happen. You have to work on each and every relationship.

However, love shows itself as a thing which strives to improve in a positive way. It doesn't make a difference if promises of a positive change are said-- you have to act on these changes.

Age though, doesn't have much to do with love. Commitment and Communication make love better. It can be as simple as writing a letter to the other person. Remembering little things, anniversary dates.

Talk to the other person, value the other person. Love means doing the things and being the person you need to be, not what you want to be. It means support but not unconditional support, it means respect.

Love is a verb. That's why people are in a relationship.

It also helps to understand the help you can get if you are having problems with your relationship-- you might be married for many years or living together or whatever, but there are places you can go if you are committed to changing the relationship. This also means changing yourself.

That's is the hard work of a verb. While my own relationship did not work out, I learned a lot about my own failings and fears and how to grow from that. I keep learning to build on my own goals and talents, and work with me.

This is not self-centered, but rather in an effort to know that when I find the person who will be in my life, I will be ready and able to be the person I need to be for myself and for them.


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    • noorin profile image

      noorin 5 years ago from Canada

      Thanks Rebecca E. :)

    • Rebecca E. profile image

      Rebecca E. 5 years ago from Canada

      noorin some excellent hubs there.

    • noorin profile image

      noorin 5 years ago from Canada

      Looks like u published this 3 years ago and I bet it feels good now to look back at a reflection of how u felt back then. I remember allowing my heart to pour its feelings down multiple times on hub pages few years ago. It was such a confused period for me, however now that I look back at them, they help me understand what I went through, its like a photograph only it's a photograph of my feelings if that makes any sense :)

      These r the hubs I'm referring to :

      Getting over love

      Relationship dilemma

      Relationship dilemma 2

      If u get a chance take a look at any of them and lemme know what u think.



    • Rebecca E. profile image

      Rebecca E. 8 years ago from Canada

      thank you a lot run down battery.

    • Run Down Battery profile image

      Run Down Battery 8 years ago from UK

      Thank you for writing this. I, like many other I imagine, am on a sort of personal quest to understand the nature and essence of love. Your writing has been an insight

    • Rebecca E. profile image

      Rebecca E. 8 years ago from Canada

      Thanks jen, this one was hard, and yet at the same time a good thing for me to write.

    • Jen's Solitude profile image

      Jen's Solitude 8 years ago from Delaware

      I like your ability for self-examination. Great hub, glad I stopped in to check it out. Thanks for your mail as well.


    • wavegirl22 profile image

      Shari 8 years ago from New York, NY

      great hub! I especially liked the end. . love is doing. communication is the key . .thanks for sharing this!

    • Rebecca E. profile image

      Rebecca E. 8 years ago from Canada

      I hope so as well, it is a journey no doubt.

    • create a page profile image

      create a page 8 years ago from Maryland, USA

      Thanks for sharing an intimate moment with us. I hope you will both learn from the experiences of the relationship and be better individuals as a result.

    • Rebecca E. profile image

      Rebecca E. 8 years ago from Canada

      love is still love it just changes.

    • RNMSN profile image

      Barbara Bethard 8 years ago from Tucson, Az

      Rebecca, you have such courage and such insight! This is a wonderful way of expressing your love for your past love...though you are so right, love still remains. love to you, bb

    • profile image

      wvlegacy 8 years ago

      Thanks for opening your heart to give us a look in. If taken to heart we will all stand to benefit from your pain.

      Again, thanks.

    • no body profile image

      Robert E Smith 8 years ago from Rochester, New York

      Love is simple yet profound. It hits you in the face saying "I'm here" and it runs aways when you look for it. It makes you forget your own name and makes you know for the first time who you really are. Love is a decision that you make and is made for you. Loves ya, No Body.

    • shamelabboush profile image

      shamelabboush 8 years ago

      It is a very touching letter and inspiring letter and full of love letter... How nice to have such lovers. Thanks Rebecca.

    • Waren E profile image

      Waren E 8 years ago from HAS LEFT THE BUILDING............

      Very moving Rebecca E. and good advice too!

      Proves that we all have to live and learn, and nothing is new under the sun concerning love!

      Thanks for sharing!: )

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 8 years ago from Australia

      Heart-moving :)

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 8 years ago from Australia

    • Rebecca E. profile image

      Rebecca E. 8 years ago from Canada

      as all have said communication is the key and that takes time to grow.

    • profile image

      ralwus 8 years ago

      The only thing I really know about love, real love is that it grows. And I still don't know a thing about love. Nice letter.

    • profile image

      Colin T Merer 8 years ago

      Great hub, you have been able to say a lot in thses words which is a hard thing to do without feeling vulnerable. As a poet I understand that words written in theses times are raw emotion and they say as much to the writer ad they do to the person expected to read.

      Regards if you wants a laugh of maybe feel lighthearted read some of my hubs are full of rubbish but a bit witty i hope.

      regards Colin T Mercer

    • profile image

      mtsi1098 8 years ago

      While I am sorry to hear on your split with your husband, I wish you all the best in your next relationship. I think you hit it with this importance of communication...Good luck...Hockey season is approaching :)