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Overcoming Fear with Love

Updated on February 28, 2013
debbiepinkston profile image

Debbie is a licensed counselor in the state of Arkansas. She lived in Venezuela and worked with a local orphanage there for many years.

How do Love and Fear Relate to Each Other?

"There is no fear in love, because perfect love casts out fear".

Fear...
-The fear of being rejected or replaced by someone else, that someone else is worth more than I am
-The fear of being hurt, of not being loved the way we need to be loved
-The fear of being alone, of insignificance, of being forgotten
-The anger that results from hurt, from of being disrespected or unloved

All of these fears translate into relationship problems-in marriage, families, parents, & friendships:
Blaming, attacking, criticizing, shunning, shutting out, not listening, jealousy & suspicions, competition, envy, defensiveness, infidelity, abuse, resentment, and the list goes on and on...We can all identify these feelings and actions in our relationships at times, although we may not trace them back to their source-fear.

PERFECT LOVE:
We sometimes expect our parents to love us perfectly, our spouses to make us feel great and loved all the time, and our children to show us that they love us in every way...our expectations are often met with disappointment and hurt. Even those closest to us can't love us perfectly...at best they will love us to the best of their ability. They have their own love needs, their own hurts and hangups. A blissful wedding is no guarantee that our spouse will love us forever, our beautiful babies will one day disappoint us, and our parents who should love us unconditionally and put our needs above their own needs let us down. Their lack of love is not a reflection of our value and worth, it is a reflection of their own issues, hangups and love needs being unmet. The more we try to get that perfect love from them, the more we will be disappointed, because as humans they aren't capable! We should stop looking for our value and worth from others. When we find ourselves angry and frustrated, we can take a moment to ask ourselves if we're expecting our worth to come from a fallible human instead of from the source of love.

So where does Perfect Love come from? Where is that source of love that "casts out fear"? It can only come from the One who is LOVE. He isn't loving some of the time, when we behave, or when he feels like it. His very essence is LOVE and the word GOD is synonymous with LOVE.

We have heard that "God is Love", (whether we call the source "God" or something else...) but do we really believe it deep in our hearts? Is it knowledge stored in our heads, or is it real, do we feel it in our gut? Do we breathe it daily, do we stand on it, do we lean on it? Can we relax in our relationships because our whole being and worth is laying restfully in this love? Do we refrain from expecting, blaming, criticizing, and hurting others for their lack of love, because we realize that we are already fully loved?

Can we forgive our parents for their shortcomings and bad parenting, can we understand our spouse's mistakes and our children's selfishness, because we are no longer expecting them to love us perfectly, because we already have all the love we need?

Our worth shouldn't and can't come from others...they aren't equipped to do that and they're dealing with their own love needs. So let them off the hook. Forgive them for their imperfections. Let go of those expectations. Next, look to God daily and give yourself to Him, accept his perfect love for you, and go about your day knowing that you ARE worthy and you ARE loved. Completely. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you less, or love you more.

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    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Very true words my friend; great hub!

    • debbiepinkston profile image
      Author

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Thank you Bill! I sometimes hesitate to mention God in my hubs but it seems that many people are coming back to that basic belief that there is something, someone, greater than us who has our best interest at heart and is all around us, and in us.

    • Happyboomernurse profile image

      Gail Sobotkin 4 years ago from South Carolina

      Wow! What a wonderful article about love, fear, expectations and the infinite source of love.

      You've included many pearls of wisdom.

      Voted up, useful, awesome, beautiful and interesting and shared.

    • Nyamache profile image

      Joshua Nyamache 4 years ago from Kenya

      Very true of what you have said. It is impossible to love when there is fear. It is out of fear that doubt comes about and if there is doubt then there is no trust.

    • debbiepinkston profile image
      Author

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Thank you for your comments. I think it is nearly impossible to live without some fear, it's part of human nature...but every time we feel that fear, it's time to evaluate where it comes from, and go back to the Source.

    • Happyboomernurse profile image

      Gail Sobotkin 4 years ago from South Carolina

      I agree. Fear rises instinctively but we can always make the choice of how to respond to it. Unless the fear is related to an imminent danger, we can take time to evaluate where it comes from and go back to the Source.

      Facing fear opens new experiences we would miss out on if we allowed it to cripple us.

    • debbiepinkston profile image
      Author

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      So true! I counsel young couples and often find that the source of their trouble lies in the fear that each one brings to the relationship. Helping them to face those fears and grow in their own sense of security can greatly reduce the struggles they deal with as a couple!

    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 4 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      This is a wonderful concept, realizing that our worth is not based upon what we or others around us do, but on the fact that we are children of God and that he loves us unconditionally. It is a powerful knowledge and helps dispell much of the fear that we feel. Thanks for the great hub!

    • debbiepinkston profile image
      Author

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Thank you Denise for your comments. It's hard to keep this in mind at times, as things happen in our world around us...but I have to keep reminding myself to go back to the Source!

    • Dancing Water profile image

      Dancing Water 4 years ago

      I am glad that you did not veer away from writing about God. Standing on the love of God. I love that image. Indeed if we stand on the love of God, we are truly free, and can be confident that our actions are motivated by love.

      A beautiful hub that was just what the doctor ordered this morning for me. Your words are truly Heaven sent.

      Thank you so much!

    • debbiepinkston profile image
      Author

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Dancing Water, I'm so glad that these words were what you needed to hear. When I wrote this Hub, I hadn't planned on it but woke up thinking about this topic, and the many people who live in fear, looking for love and validation from everywhere else but where it can really be found.

      Thank you for your comment and I look forward to reading your Hubs.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

      A wonderful hub and thank you for sharing.

      Eddy.

    • debbiepinkston profile image
      Author

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Eddy, I'm pleased that you liked this Hub and that you're following me. Now it's my turn to follow you and learn from you. Isn't it amazing that we can learn from people on the other side of the world?

    • Debby Bruck profile image

      Debby Bruck 4 years ago

      Dear Debbie ~ I'm tempted to rename the title "Disappointed from Love" and how this relates to self worth. Many questions have been presented for us to find the answers within. The only 'perfection' we find in our world is the beauty of nature, in a flower, in a sunset or sunrise or a blue sky. To be human means to have frailties and weaknesses. Blessings, Debby

    • debbiepinkston profile image
      Author

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      So very true, Debby. When we look for love from others we will often be disappointed because they also have their own love needs. I find I feel the closest to God when I'm in nature.

      Thanks for adding your comment!

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 4 years ago

      ...thank you so much Debbie for inspiring me with your world class hub prsentation and making me think. The entire purpose of many of your hubs I would imagine is to help people think and feel for themselves and move them to debate or a dialogue and with that in mind you have succeeded brilliantly because you are a master at communicating the written word.

      I bet everyone has a story about a 'love' gone wrong and it seems to affect everyone differently.

      Thank you so much for your royal fan mail and coming from someone special like you - well it really means a lot.

      You were asking about my followers - well the key to securing more followers is really quite simple - make lots of comments - everyone loves to receive flattering comments which are sincere and genuine and because the Hub is based on the tit for tat system most people will more than likely come back your way - of course you have to attract them with quality hubs yourself (which you do so well)

      sending you warm wishes and good energy from lake erie time ontario canada 9:59am on a bright and sunny day by the lake - no wind, no rain and no snow - always a good sign at this time of year

    • debbiepinkston profile image
      Author

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Life on the lake sounds lovely epigrammam! Thanks for stopping by and reading.

    • GeoJo profile image

      GeoJo 4 years ago

      Interesting Points...Thanks for sharing.

    • howlermunkey profile image

      Jeff Boettner 4 years ago from Tampa, FL

      Debbie, your title caught my attention and I am glad that it did. This was a perfect sunday read and a very well rounded hub, (and a good time of year to read this one, more relatives than usual :) ). This hub made me feel good and I'm sharing.

    • debbiepinkston profile image
      Author

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Thank you Jeff! I'm glad that you found it helpful.

    • sarahshuihan profile image

      Sarah 4 years ago from USA

      Thank you, I really needed to read this today.

    • debbiepinkston profile image
      Author

      Debbie Pinkston 4 years ago from Pereira, Colombia and NW Arkansas

      Sarah, I'm glad this was helpful to you. We all need to be reminded of our intrinsic worth, which doesn't depend on others' opinions of us, our accomplishments, looks or other external factors. Loving ourselves and others has to do with acceptance of who we are, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. We are each unique and wonderful in our own way.

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      Rohit 2 years ago

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