- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
Love and Relationships: Loving You Should be "Effortless"
As the story is told, being in love with someone should be effortless and natural. What exactly does that mean? Does it mean that one should meet a man or woman, things should just “click” and both should live happily ever after? Not exactly, but I applaud your effort for guessing. Love by all means should be effortless, meaning you shouldn’t have to turn stones into gold to impress someone, nor should you have to put so much effort into trying to get them to see that you love them. The effort should be more into making the relationship work, and not giving up so easy. If you ever thought a relationship you were in was perfect, please explain to me why you are no longer with the person happily married? The truth is, people think what they want is love and happiness, and they sell you on this thought the minute they meet you. They tell you they are looking for a “husband” or “wife” and that long term relationship. They give you their past sob story to make you feel bad. By then you are sold. You now feel you are the Knight to rescue her and she would feel she is the princess that has been waiting for this chance!
Promises to never break your heart are made without a thought. Knowing the history of your boyfriend or girlfriend is so important-and I don’t mean the history of how many people they have slept with but the real history. What didn’t work in the previous relationship to cause it to crumble? What made you cry and what made you angry? It’s important you are honest with that person, because if they have any of those issues they should be man and woman enough to tell you. At that point, you have the right to stay and try to make it work, or you can walk away from it and don’t even get involved any further. Because the last thing you want to do is hand someone your already fragile or broken heart and expect them to care for it. People will promise to handle your heart with care, only to break it like everyone else.
Loving someone can be a total amazing experience when two people have the same mutual feelings for the relationship and the future.Depending on where you are with your own life, some of you just don’t have the time to invest in a relationship for the long-term. Somewhere in your heart you feel that it’s what you want but the truth that surrounds you will always dictate reality. There are quite a few things I’ve learned in the few long-term relationship I’ve been in, and know that I have had under 8 relationships with most of them except (1) being a long term relationship. I believe in “trying” until you can’t try anymore. I don’t think one should just give up when the going gets tough, because it’s not like you quit your job and life every time you hit a milestone. Every time you get unhappy, you don’t stop doing what you were doing, life isn’t that simple and neither is a relationship. Let’s just face it, some of you out there want your cake and wish to eat it too, but some of you sadly will be single for the rest of your lives. Trying to convince yourself that you really want a relationship will never work even if you try really hard. Remember, if your intentions are pure so will the outcome of the relationship. That’s why not every person in the world can hit the lottery, because some claim they will hit the lottery and take care of their family. Truth be known, their intention is to hit the lottery and leave and not leave a forwarding address. If after awhile you notice that you can’t keep a girlfriend or boyfriend it’s time to look into yourself.
Here are the things I’ve realized in the short time I’ve lived on this earth:
If you don’t love yourself unconditionally, to where you are happy with yourself, then your own misery will do nothing but harm the relationship. Everything he/she says to you will not matter and you will not believe. Personally, I can tell you I’ve been down this path before a long time ago, and up until recently did I realize that I do love myself unconditionally. My boyfriend told me one day he loved the way I look (for a long time I said I didn’t have this great body) and then one day he said you look “fine” and I said you know what ”thanks”. I agreed with him because I was happy, I was OK with it in my heart. If you are like this now, then you have to save yourself and the relationship (if that person means anything to you). It’s OK to have issues within yourself and have a low self-esteem, but you have to be man or woman enough to admit that to the one you love so they can help you get better. Together, you can make it work. If you don’t love yourself nobody will ever be able to love you.
Understand that perfection does not exist in the place you work, the things you say, the decisions you make, the job you perform for your career and doesn’t exist within ourselves or the relationship. Loving someone is not an issue, and taking care of the broken heart is not a major concern, but understanding things are not “perfect” and will not be “perfect” for awhile is the key. I know a couple that has been married for years, and when I am around them they are totally awesome and so well connected that you would think they were perfect. If she didn’t confide in me in confidence, I would always think they were the perfect couple. What I do love and respect here is that they both understand that perfection is not in the cards for either of them, but they are both making an effort to make it work. Like her, she realized the key to making a relationship work by “reconnecting”. You have to sometimes go back to what drew you there.
Time and Patience, the two most important things in a relationship. It’s not about the amount of time you spend with someone during the phase of “dating”, but the amount of time and patience you invest to make it work. For example, in my current relationship I know that I won’t get much time with my boyfriend because of the current position in which he works. My inspiration for the future lies within his career “after the career”. Because he lives on campus with his job, we don’t see each other very often. My patience has been “golden” which means I am content with the amount of time we spend (Friday/Saturday/Sunday) because I still possess the hope for the future, where one day he would have his dream career and life off of campus and with us. It’s patience that can get you through a relationship with success. It takes time for anything to turn out great. You don’t make cookie dough and cook the cookies right after. You let the cookie dough sit in the fridge to end up getting better over days and even weeks! If two people are willing to put in the time patience and effort, you will have in the end a great loving relationship!
The circle, one has to really understand the circle of a relationship and how small it should be when it should be. When you decide to be with a woman or man and you have every plan and intention of being with them, they should be the only people in the circle. Allow who you want to enter the circle, but never let the outside people interfere so much with your circle that there is disruption. In the end, someone who loves you and is only happy with your happiness as a human being will respect your decision.