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Relationship Advice for New Couples - Love Is Not a Competition
A Man's Point of View on Relationships
I would like to share my experience with you when I had an informal, non-romantic lunch with a young man I met recently. He and I talked about a lot of different subjects but I wanted to focus on the topic where he got my undivided attention. Namely -- why it is difficult sometimes for men and women to connect, especially when one of them would like to take the relationship to the next level. In other words why are so many men intimidated by women?
Competition in Love Relationships
Let's start off with the definition of competition. I define competition as a series of actions that take place when someone tries to win, or perform better in specific areas than others. For example, if you are in a race, they may want to run or drive faster than your competitor. Another example is if you are a contestant on a question and answer game show, your opponent may want to answer more questions than you. The key is you (the female) are the focal point of the competitor.
Of course, in order to be in a competition, you must put yourself out there. For instance, you cannot compete in a marathon by not entering the race. You cannot win a beauty contest by simply watching them. You must put yourself out there to compete and become part of the game.
Progression of Love Relationships
To be in a relationship, you must be able to connect with someone in order for the connection to develop and blossom. Meeting someone for the first time can be so memorable that sometimes it may seem like you are in a fairytale. You remember the first look, the first Hello ... your first kiss. And on the lighter side, you may remember when you laughed together at the same funny part in a movie or other fun-times you had together.
As the relationship progresses, usually you begin talking to each other about your family, your background and here's the kicker. You begin to talk about the type work you do -- without all the details about your earnings, etc. You simply share casual talk about what you do if you are working, whether you have a career or own your business.
What If You Both are Not at the Same Level Professionally?
If you are in a profession that pays relatively well -- and you casually mention that you work at this or that maybe Fortune 500 firm, there will probably be a long silence in the conversation -- especially if you mentioned your source of income first, before he did.
Next comes the look, and you can recognize the look of a competitor! The look asks -- "Now how am I supposed to top that?"
My question is why do you think you have to top anything? After all, this is not a game we are playing.
Normally after you unapologetically blurted out what you do professionally, the conversation veers off in another direction or to a different topic. You finish having lunch or dinner together, you go home and wait for your phone call -- Which by the way -- never comes!
Have you met someone who never called back?
Why He Doesn't Call
This is where we get in the meat of the relationship "game" and back to my interesting lunch date interview. Even though I had an inkling of what was going on, I wanted to hear what I thought directly from this polite young man. So if my informal lunch partner (not a date) is reading this, thank you for being so polite and straightforward in your answers.
I asked him why do the calls cease, or never come in the first place. What is the culprit? In a word he told me ...... "Intimidation."
The million dollar question is how do you make him feel secure in this situation, if he is indeed intimidated by you. This has been asked for years, and probably will be asked for many years to come. Not to be a naysayer -- but maybe if there is intimidation in a love relationship, what you have is not and will never amount to being a true love relationship. In fact, when the calls stop, the relationship is essentially over.
Find a Real Love Relationship
How can you avoid this dilemma? I believe that honesty is always the best policy, so if he can't deal with the truth, then maybe you are better off finding someone else who can. Remember, those relationships that didn't quite develop further for whatever reason, were just not meant to be in the first place.
To the nice young gentleman: Thanks for your help in confirming for me what I knew deep down was true all along.