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Relationship Advice for New Couples - Love Is Not a Competition

Updated on November 27, 2017

A Man's Point of View on Relationships

I would like to share my experience with you when I had an informal, non-romantic lunch with a young man I met recently. He and I talked about a lot of different subjects but I wanted to focus on the topic where he got my undivided attention. Namely -- why it is difficult sometimes for men and women to connect, especially when one of them would like to take the relationship to the next level. In other words why are so many men intimidated by women?

Competition in Love Relationships

Let's start off with the definition of competition. I define competition as a series of actions that take place when someone tries to win, or perform better in specific areas than others. For example, if you are in a race, they may want to run or drive faster than your competitor. Another example is if you are a contestant on a question and answer game show, your opponent may want to answer more questions than you. The key is you (the female) are the focal point of the competitor.

Of course, in order to be in a competition, you must put yourself out there. For instance, you cannot compete in a marathon by not entering the race. You cannot win a beauty contest by simply watching them. You must put yourself out there to compete and become part of the game.

Progression of Love Relationships

To be in a relationship, you must be able to connect with someone in order for the connection to develop and blossom. Meeting someone for the first time can be so memorable that sometimes it may seem like you are in a fairytale. You remember the first look, the first Hello ... your first kiss. And on the lighter side, you may remember when you laughed together at the same funny part in a movie or other fun-times you had together.

As the relationship progresses, usually you begin talking to each other about your family, your background and here's the kicker. You begin to talk about the type work you do -- without all the details about your earnings, etc. You simply share casual talk about what you do if you are working, whether you have a career or own your business.

What If You Both are Not at the Same Level Professionally?

If you are in a profession that pays relatively well -- and you casually mention that you work at this or that maybe Fortune 500 firm, there will probably be a long silence in the conversation -- especially if you mentioned your source of income first, before he did.

Next comes the look, and you can recognize the look of a competitor! The look asks -- "Now how am I supposed to top that?"

My question is why do you think you have to top anything? After all, this is not a game we are playing.

Normally after you unapologetically blurted out what you do professionally, the conversation veers off in another direction or to a different topic. You finish having lunch or dinner together, you go home and wait for your phone call -- Which by the way -- never comes!

Have you met someone who never called back?

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Why He Doesn't Call

This is where we get in the meat of the relationship "game" and back to my interesting lunch date interview. Even though I had an inkling of what was going on, I wanted to hear what I thought directly from this polite young man. So if my informal lunch partner (not a date) is reading this, thank you for being so polite and straightforward in your answers.

I asked him why do the calls cease, or never come in the first place. What is the culprit? In a word he told me ...... "Intimidation."

The million dollar question is how do you make him feel secure in this situation, if he is indeed intimidated by you. This has been asked for years, and probably will be asked for many years to come. Not to be a naysayer -- but maybe if there is intimidation in a love relationship, what you have is not and will never amount to being a true love relationship. In fact, when the calls stop, the relationship is essentially over.

Find a Real Love Relationship

How can you avoid this dilemma? I believe that honesty is always the best policy, so if he can't deal with the truth, then maybe you are better off finding someone else who can. Remember, those relationships that didn't quite develop further for whatever reason, were just not meant to be in the first place.

To the nice young gentleman: Thanks for your help in confirming for me what I knew deep down was true all along.

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    • courtlneygdtm profile image
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      courtlneygdtm 6 years ago from United States

      Brett.Tesol,

      Thanks for your comments and for voting up and interesting!

      --courtlneygdtm

    • Brett.Tesol profile image

      Brett Caulton 6 years ago from Thailand

      Interesting. To be honest, for a good partner, you really need an equal. If you deeply intimidate someone, chances are it would not be a good match anyway. For most of the time my partner and I have been together, my partner earned more and holds a higher position than me. However, do I feel insecure? Do I feel I need to beat her? Hell no, I'm just proud of what she has achieved in her career. I am quite content with where I am at in my life.

      Socially sharing, up and interesting.

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 6 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hello,dear courtlneygdtm...no problem. It is always my pleasure to visit with a talented, creative person as yourself. You surely know more about life than I do. My life would make a great Stephen King movie...but I don't want to reveal the plot yet. LOL. Anyway...just keep on writing and thank you for being my Friend and Follower. That made my Christmas better. I hate to sound corny, but when the heart speaks, you speak. Kenneth

    • courtlneygdtm profile image
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      courtlneygdtm 6 years ago from United States

      kenneth avery,

      I appreciate you stopping by and for your comments!

      --courtlneygdtm

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 6 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear courtney, YOU are welcome. You deserved them. And the voting was a natural thing...no debate. Your writing is a guaranteed-Up and Everything style of hubbing. I LOVE IT.////Kenneth

    • courtlneygdtm profile image
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      courtlneygdtm 6 years ago from United States

      kenneth avery,

      Thanks for your comments and for voting up!

      courtlneygdtm

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 6 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      12/18/2011 early, 12:59 a.m./cst

      Hi, courtlneygdtm, GREAT read here. Loved every well-written word. Voted up and all the way. A must-read for couples. Honest. a textbook hub. I truly admire your flair for writing. So much so that I am a fan and a follower. I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and invite you to check my hubs if you need a good laugh. And I WOULD DEARLY love for you to be a follower of mine. That would be wonderful. I would even write a hub to thank you. Sincerely, Kenneth Avery, from Hamilton, a small northwest Alabama town that looks like Mayberry from the Andy Griffith Show. I will look for you. And keep up the wonderful hubs.

    • courtlneygdtm profile image
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      courtlneygdtm 6 years ago from United States

      Darknlovely3436,

      Thanks for your comment and for voting up!

      --courtlneygdtm

    • Darknlovely3436 profile image

      Annie 6 years ago from NewYork

      interesting from one woman to another vote up

    working