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Updated on December 25, 2012

Let ME Do This, HENRY! Everything Will Be Fine Now! Don't Worry About This At All, Honey!

Many assertive women are attracted to more passive men because they do not subscribe to the premise that a man must always be "more" than the woman. Highly assertive women, especially the alpha female, are quite capable of taking care of themselves emotionally, socioecomonically, physically, and psychologically. They are their own POWERS THAT BE and definitely do not need a man to fulfill that role.

There are many men who are quite put off by assertive women. Their premise is that there should only be ONE CHIEF in the relationship, not TWO! These men want a more submissive or beta female as this female is their psychological opposite.

An assertive woman can be too much for some assertive men. Since both have similar personalities, there will often be clashes as each other will definitely refuse to relent his/her sphere of dominance. With a more passive partner, the assertive woman will be more able to have her way and to be the more dominant one.

There are many women who are quite comfortable in the dominant and take charge role. The old premise that women are to be the more yielding one seems to these women quite old fashioned. Their contention is that gender is a moot point and totally inconsequential in terms of who is the dominant or submissive one in the relationship.

Many assertive women believe that men do not always have to be the assertive one in relationships. They further assert that men can be just as passive as women and that so called passivity does not in any way reflect negatively on their masculinity. In fact, they view their partners' so called passivity as a divergence from the usual traditional masculine role of being the more dominant one.

There are many men who are more suited psychologically to be in the passive role. However, they were inculcated that men were supposed to be the more assertive and dominant one. They were further indoctrinated with the premise that men who do not fit into the traditional, dominant male role are considered to be effeminate or worse. Men classified as more sensitive, nurturing, and less assertive are viewed with askance by both men and women alike.

Such men are misunderstood or worse. Many are castigated and bullied because they are not perceived to be real men. Some women do not respect such men. They consider such men to be entirely too soft for their particular liking. These women want men who are traditionally more unabashingly masculine.

However, there are many women, particularly the more assertive and aggressive among them, who view such men as a breath of fresh air. While these women are extremely adept at traditionally masculine pursuits, these men are taking care of pursuits which would be deemed more traditionally feminine. Many so-called passive men are also great nurturers and support systems for more assertive women to vocalize their angst, hopes, and dreams.

Many men classified as traditionally masculine and alpha want to be first, paarticularly in relationships. They want their needs to be taken care of first and foremost. They usually have no patience for their female counterpart who are more like them psychologically.

Such men want the beta female who is more likely to cater to their needs and to pamper them. To such men, the beta female is what one would call a "real woman" while the more assertive woman is often viewed as an arrogant and often hardass b******h or better yet, that @#$%! c******t who wants to be a "man"! These men contend that there should be only one man in the relationship, pure and simple!

It is such men's arguments that to let the woman be the stronger and more dominant one in the relationship is a sign of emotional and psychological castration. Quite a few men feel that this would cause them to lose their male faces i.e. to be completely emasculated and diminished in the eyes of the female. They are of the school that they are to be the woman's support system, the boss and/or head man, and pillar of strength, not the other way around. Clearly, such men are not into the nurturance mode so to speak.

Then there are men who love nothing better than to have the women in their lives be the more dominant ones. They feel that they do not have to constantly be the big,bad man in the relationship. They are quite relieved to not always having to play the traditional gender game. They are free to be whom they wish to be and if it is not the rough and tough masculine type, fine with them. If more traditional, rough and tough masculine types perceive them to be quite effete, so be it and the former can go to hell! They are quite comfortable and quite elated to be the more nurturing and so-called passive men.

As there are men who are quite comfortable being in the more passive role, there are many men even though they are of the more passive type psychologically, are quite loathe to be in that role. These men have internalized the societal dictum that real men are to be the assertives and aggressors in the relationship. So they force themselves to be so-called more traditionally masculine although it is not in their psychological nature to do so.

Such men oftentimes overcompensate for their more passive and nurturing nature by becoming exaggeratedly masculine in terms of their relationship with their more assertive partner. These type of men do not want to be bested by the more assertive women in their lives. In the eyes of such men, being the strong partner is the most important thing even to the detriment of the relationship at hand.

The worst and the last thing these men want to be perceived of......... is well, weak. To them, this is equivalent to being less than a man and downright effeminate. This man wants to be considered masculine in the eyes of the woman in his life. It is his contention that the assertive woman in his life would respect him more for being the strong one instead of the passive one in the relationship. In essence, he does not want to be the assertive woman's b*****h so to speak.

Furthermore, these men feel that if they let the assertive women in their lives assume the more dominant role, they are in essence giving their power away. They maintain that they will be owned instead of being in charge and owning the situation. In their eyes, no man wants to be the powerless one in the relationship. To be powerless in their eyes is a fate worse than being in the lowest circle of Hell- to by avoided by any means necessary.

In the estimation of such men, it is more preferable to exhibit a false sense of masculine bravado even though it could result in psychological angst than to be their true and powerless selves. To paraphrase Lucifer's encantation in Paradise Lost, for these men, it is better to have an uncomfortably false masculine persona than to have a truer, more relaxed nurturant masculinity. You see, the male ego is such a fragile commodity!

In summation, many assertive women are attracted to more passive men. This is because such men present more yin aspects in their personalities to counteract the more yang aspects of the former personalities. Many assertive women view their more assertive male counterparts as more similar to them. These women know that some assertive men are threatened by the former's fierce personality.

Two strong personalities such as the assertive men and women often clash in relationship, especially when one party expects the other party to give each other quarter. With the more passive male, the assertive woman is free to exercise her feminine yang persona without any flack from the former. There are some men who do not mind being the nurturer and the power behind the throne in the relationship.

While there are some men who are very comfortable in the nurturer role, there are men in the passive role but are afraid to express their true natures for fear of being stigmatized for their perceived lack of masculinity. Even though these men know that their personalities are the more receptive and nuturing ones, they present false male bravados with the perception that they would be more respected and deemed more powerful by the assertive women in their respective lives. To them, the very worst thing is to be perceived as vulnerable. To be vulnerable in the eyes of such men is equivalent to being effeminate and who wants an effeminate man.

Many nurturing men disguise and hide their true personalities much to psychological and mental angst. It would be far more effective for such men to be the nurturers in the relationships. Men can be nurturing and sensitive and yet be masculine. Such components should be mutually exclusive of each other. Happily, many men are realizing this and are beginning to embrace their yin characteristics.


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    • gmwilliams profile imageAUTHOR

      Grace Marguerite Williams 

      5 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Thank you jimagain for your enlightening response.

    • jimagain profile image


      5 years ago from Hattiesburg, Mississippi

      I enjoyed this. My wife and I are semewhere between the two extremes; we both have assertive and passive tendencies in our own peculiar ways that don't always fall between the gender lines but I've always found her assertiveness attractive. I really couldn't put ourselves in either category. Intersting reading!

    • gmwilliams profile imageAUTHOR

      Grace Marguerite Williams 

      5 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Thank you wilderness for your enlightening response.

    • wilderness profile image

      Dan Harmon 

      5 years ago from Boise, Idaho

      As you say, not all men (or women) demand the top dog spot in a relationship. More and more we find men in the "submissive" role or, less commonly, sharing the top spot.

      There is no right or wrong here - some people are happier dominant, some as submissive and a very few have the ability to share that characteristic with someone else. What works for one couple may not for another, but it does not make in right OR wrong for everyone.

    • gmwilliams profile imageAUTHOR

      Grace Marguerite Williams 

      6 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Thank you so much for your response. I am getting ready for Frankenstorm. I intend to write some more hubs some time next week. I will be in all next week. Again thank you for your response, it is greatly appreciated!

    • fpherj48 profile image


      6 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      gm....This is a fabulously informative hub. I enjoyed it from start to finish. I am fascinated by human behavior.....the intricacies of human nature. Behavioral Analysis is my forte.....

      Based on what you present here, you may be interested in the happy marriage and successful relationship of an Alpha Female and Alpha Male. So often, my husband and I are asked, quite boldly, by the way, how 2 extremely assertive individuals get along so well.

      We usually just laugh. It should be an easy thing to understand.....we simply don't attempt to control one another...nor out-do...nor over-analyze each other. We just enjoy being together ( we even work together!) and have incredibly deep, philosophical discussions on a multitude of subject, always on opposite sides of the issue!! LOL. It's a matter of love, respect and common courtesies. We are each "Alphas" to the world.....but contain ourselves with each other. It's not a difficult thing. Too many people are hopeless slaves to their ego..........Once again.....a great hub and I intend to read more of your work.....Peace...UP+++

    • gmwilliams profile imageAUTHOR

      Grace Marguerite Williams 

      6 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Thank you again for your wonderful response!

    • Eiddwen profile image


      6 years ago from Wales

      So interesting and thank you so much for sharing.

      I save onto my FB page.



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