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Male Gold Digger: Maybe There's One On Your Couch

Updated on August 8, 2014
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Rula Lenski is an experienced writer on the topics of women's self-esteem and self-defense.

He seems to exist to eat and poop...
He seems to exist to eat and poop...

Women and Welfare are His Meal Tickets

Typical female gold-diggers are wily and well-dressed and haunt ritzy places trying to trap a wealthy man. The typical male gold-digger is different and far more common. He is honest to a fault. He probably looks shabby; he eats terrible food; his job is awful and he could get a better one, but he won't for political reasons. His place looks like a dump. He may show hoarding tendencies. He spends a lot of time online. He is happy to take walks with you in the park or woods, or be driven around in your car to cafeterias and doughnut shops, and of course he is glad to sleep with you. Then he says he loves you, and you fall in love with him. It usually doesn't take long.

Stage 1: He Finds a Good Woman

A woman's love is a mighty thing and the male gold-digger knows it. A good woman stands by her man, and he has tested you and knows you are good: you keep your promises, are faithful, take his side when he's embattled, love his kids, forgive him when he yells. You pay his way when he runs short of money. After that he is not at all commitment-shy. You two move in together or marry.

Stage 2: Jobless

Soon after, sometimes within weeks, he loses his job or quits ("can't take it any more"). Rather than look for a new job he works hard to get on unemployment or disability, or to sue someone, or waits for an inheritance. Until he gets those, he is glad you work to give him food and a clean house furnished with your credit card and filled with everything he needs for a nice life. You have Triple A when his car breaks down or he runs it up a curb. You have postage stamps or an extra printer cartridge when he needs one. He's on your phone plan. When you can't stand the way he looks --he cleans up nicely, but never cleans up-- you buy him a leather jacket. He lets it get paint-stained and won't have the stains removed.

Stage 3: Disabled (by Laziness)

You have got yourself a full-time male gold-digger. Now he's stretched out on the couch, watching TV, or he's on the Internet ignoring you or snapping at you when you move or speak. He throws a fit when you show him the household budget and ask him to contribute half, and he gets the money from his relatives by telling them you are a demanding, money-hungry bitch. He might take a job at UPS for 11 days during the Christmas rush, or spend a lot of time working in his vegetable patch or drying strips of venison, and declare that these are his contributions to the household.

Stage 4: He Gets Abusive

Four thousand dollars a year of your salary go to pay for his health insurance. He is now your dependent. He has stopped shaving, brushing his teeth, or helping around the house. He seems to exist to eat and poop (and maybe drink alcohol or smoke weed). You are making glass-bead anklets or other crafts and selling them for $5 apiece to make more money; you can't think of changing jobs because there is no margin or slack.

When his unemployment checks run out he starts applying for work, but when applications are rejected he finds ways to blame you. No matter what you say, he decides that you have said it in an offensive tone, that you leave the mini-blinds crooked just to drive him crazy, that he is not going to clean up a mess he made because you control everything in this house, so you can just clean it up yourself; that his mother was a better cook and mother than you are; that your eyes are darting around him all the time, just looking for something to criticize; that he will flush the toilet when he feels like it and not one minute before.

He might also start humming or singing "Get an ugly girl to marry you," or commenting that you have a muffin top, aren't hot anymore, or have otherwise lost your attractiveness.

Stage 5: You Face Facts

By this time you are often sick with allergies, female problems, acid reflux or depression. He will not go to couples therapy, so maybe you go into therapy, sometimes for years, until you are able to see that he does not love you, even if he's sometimes sorry and says he does. You face the fact that you chose a male gold-digger, a bum, and the only way to make things right is to order him out of your house or divorce him.

By this time your live-in mooch is also sick with an illness he refused to see a doctor for, and tells everyone that it's from the stress of living with you and that you are throwing him out because he is sick and you are heartless.

And now, after hoping all this time that he'd change for the better, you are the one who has completely changed. You tell him, "That's right," and show him the door. And when he's gone you feel like royalty.


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