- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Men in Relationships
Man as victim; not the same
A different paradigm
In 'text book' Domestic Violence,
the basic pattern of violence is
usually in this order; Emotional,
Intellectual, Spiritual, Verbal, and
The victim must be placed into a
psychological state in which she
(for it is usually the woman who
is the victim) will accept her
husband's determinations without
She will accept his verbal and
physical abuse as if she deserves it.
When men are the victims, his psychological state is of the most profound brainwashing; he does what he is told without question, without even appreciating that he is a puppet.
In fact, the most abused men believe he 'wears the pants', believes he is
the 'man of the family' and his wife is at best a 'helpmeet'.
When the man is the Victim...
For those standing outside of the relationship, marionettes have more volition
than this husband.
Just because the wife doesn't talk doesn't mean she has nothing to say;
she has no reason to speak.
In standard cases the abuser has no reason to hide his domination. If the vicitim is talking on the phone and he does not want her to, he will pull the phone out of her hand and hang up; or beat her with the phone, depending on how far advanced the physical abuse has become.
If a wife does not wish her husband to talk on the phone, she will run the vacuum cleaner. When he tells her to shut it off she will burst into tears and run away, leaving the vacuum on. He will be forced to hang up and go and pacify wife.
In the first case we can easily discern domestic violence. In the second, it seems far-fetched that the wife would actually leave the vacuum in the front room and wait until husband gets on the phone to turn it on.
When a husband doesn't want his wife going to a particular place, he says so. When a wife doesn't want her husband to go she says nothing. She simply makes sure he is so late that he misses whatever it was he wished to see.
Because the abusive wife uses silence as her weapon she will never say; "I don't want you babbling on the phone to Mary," she will never say; "I don't want you to go to that class reunion."
She will not betray her opinion so he will not suspect that behind that placid face
exists a conspiracy to subjugate him.
As she will seem less intelligent, less astute, less aware, he will never notice that
his life is as constrained as that of the most abused wife.
Just as a husband will destroy his wife's contacts, so that she has neither family or friend to report to, the controlling wife will insure he is just as carefully severed from his world.
Almost getting it...and Example
Josh suddenly found Rick a loud
Rick, is the husband of Tanya,
(his wife, Dana's best friend).
Josh had sort of inherited Rick
as his 'best' friend when he married Dana.
How was it possible for Rick, who had
every trait Josh had despised all his
life, to have become his best friend?
While Rick babbled, (softening him up for another loan he wouldn't pay back)Josh appreciated he had not spoken to his father in years, Josh realised he cut off his mother and his brother.Josh suddenly appreciate he went nowhere, saw no one who was not connected to his wife.
Josh suddenly noted that every Easter he had to travel to Canada to visit his
Every Christmas his wife's mother came for about a month.
His wife's sister was treated like a queen when she made her summer incursions.
Josh couldn't believe his own thoughts.
It seemed so far fetched.
He cut off his father because of...
And he severed ties with his mother because of...
And he and his brother were estranged because of....
And all his old friends were no longer on his phone because of...
All those because of.....
Were because of Dana.
Josh confronted Dana. She was puzzled as if she didn't understand what he was saying.
He repeated himself a few times. He realised Dana was not as bright or as astute as he was when she responded with a smile saying that her family and friends were good people.
Believing he had attributed too much to Dana, he reevaluated. Performing psychological acrobatics last evidenced in Orwell's Sheep, he was able to convince himself that Dana's family and friends were better than his family and friends had been.
Surely Dana was far too stupid to have plotted to separate him from everyone he
had known before marriage.
The Example of Josh and Dana above is 'textbook'. It is not just that Dana has absorbed Josh, it is that Josh can not conceive that Dana had the mental acuity or ability to do this.
This kind of absorption is the most virulent form of domestic abuse men face. It leaves no physical scars, is rarely perceived, save by those outside of the circle.
Old friends marvel but are kept from his ambit. Without friends and family, he has no verification of what he is experiencing, so is not experiencing it.
Where there is a potential that the abused wife will escape the relationship, the abused husband never will because he will never realises he a victim.
He will continue to believe he 'wears the pants', continue to think that he is brighter than his wife, and never suspect that she manipulates him, sabotages every act and alliance he attempts, and be fooled into believing that her silence is not contempt but consent.
In most cases, the abused wife escapes, either physically or at the death of her husband. The abused husband never escapes but is often thrown out by the wife when she finds someone else.