Man as Victim; Not the Same

In 'text book' Domestic Violence, the basic pattern of is usually in this order; Emotional, Intellectual, Spiritual, Verbal, and finally, Physical.

The victim must be placed into a psychological state in which she (for it is usually the woman who is the victim) will accept her husband's determinations without
question. She will accept his verbal and physical abuse as if she deserves it.

When men are the victims of domestic violence, his psychological state is of the most profound brainwashing. He does what he is told without question, without even appreciating that he is a puppet.

The most abused men believe he 'wears the pants', believes he is the 'man of the family' and his wife is at best a 'helpmeet'.

This is the result of the woman's ability to get inside his head.

This ability is not limited to married couples, or even to women. When one believes they are superior, that they are 'in charge' the person they 'dominate' is not granted certain abilities.

Just as a smaller person can struggle with a package and the larger person undertakes to carry it, that this was planned by the smaller person is never considered.

This kind of manipulation is standard when the woman is the abuser, because he never, for one moment believes she has the intellect or ability to do this.

For those standing outside of the relationship, marionettes have more volition
than this husband.

Just because the wife doesn't talk doesn't mean she has nothing to say; she has no reason to speak.

In male on female domestic violence, the abuser has no reason to hide his domination. If the victim is talking on the phone and he does not want her to, he will pull the phone out of her hand and hang up; or beat her with the phone, depending on how far advanced the physical abuse has become.

If a wife does not wish her husband to talk on the phone, she will run the vacuum cleaner. When he tells her to shut it off she will burst into tears and run away, leaving the vacuum on. He will be forced to hang up and go and pacify wife.

In the first case we can easily discern domestic violence. In the second, it seems far-fetched that the wife would actually leave the vacuum in the front room and wait until husband gets on the phone to turn it on.

When a husband doesn't want his wife going to a particular place, he says so. When a wife doesn't want her husband to go she says nothing. She simply makes sure he is so late that he misses whatever it was he wished to see.

Because the abusive wife uses silence as her weapon she will never say; "I don't want you babbling on the phone to Mary," she will never say; "I don't want you to go to that class reunion."

She will not betray her opinion so he will not suspect that behind that placid face
exists a conspiracy to subjugate him.

As she will seem less intelligent, less astute, less aware, he will never notice that
his life is as constrained as that of the most abused wife.

Just as a husband will destroy his wife's contacts, so that she has neither family nor friend to report to, the controlling wife will insure he is just as carefully severed from his world.

The Abusive Wife, reticent, non-combative, seems to agree with her husband, while turning his views 180o.

She twists his words, changing the emphasis. Where he might have made a bland statement about a political event, she will so repeat and exalt 'his' views while gazing upon him with admiration. Deluded by the 'admiration' he reforms his views to match those she has attributed to him..

She, deciding to get new furniture will take his remark; "The chairs aren't that bad.." and reply; "Exactly! That is exactly what I wanted to say. They have not deteriorated to the embarrassing level of shabby yet, but as you see, they are well on their way."

This is said in wide eyed 'agreement'.

Whatever he says next will be 'interpreted' as "That's why I agree with you that we should replace them now before anyone notices..."

Josh is married to Dana. Rick is the husband of Tanya, Dana's best friend. They are almost always present. Suddenly Josh realises Rick a loud mouthed mercenary.

Josh ponders; how is it possible for Rick, who had every trait Josh had despised all his life, to have become his best friend?

While Rick babbled, (softening Josh up for another loan he wouldn't pay back) Josh appreciated he had not spoken to his father in years. Josh realised he cut off his mother and his brother.

Josh suddenly appreciated he went nowhere, saw no one who was not connected to his wife.

Josh suddenly noted that every Easter he had to travel to Canada to visit his
wife's father. Every Christmas his wife's mother came for about a month.

His wife's sister was treated like a queen when she made her summer incursions.

Josh couldn't believe his own thoughts. It seemed so far fetched. After all...

He cut off his father because of...
And he severed ties with his mother because of...
And he and his brother were estranged because of....
And all his old friends were no longer on his phone because of...

All those because of.....

Were because of Dana.

When Rick, departed, after not being able to talk Josh into another loan, Josh confronted Dana. He spoke of having no friends, cut off from family, on and on.

Dana looked at him, confused, puzzled as if she didn't understand what he was saying. Josh repeated himself a few times. He realised Dana was not as bright or as astute as he. This was confirmed when she responded with a smile saying that her family and friends were good people.

Believing he had attributed too much to Dana, he re-evaluated. Instead of seeing her as a manipulator who had replaced everyone in his world with her people, he saw her as a rather dumb person.

Performing psychological acrobatics, last evidenced by Orwell's Sheep, he is able to convince himself that Dana's family and friends were better than his family and friends had been.

Surely Dana was far too stupid to have plotted to separate him from everyone he
had known before marriage.

The Example of Josh and Dana above is 'textbook'.

It is not just that Dana has absorbed Josh, it is that Josh can not conceive that Dana possesed the mental acuity or ability to do this.

This kind of absorption of the husband, is the most virulent form of domestic abuse men face. It leaves no physical scars, is rarely perceived, save by those outside of the circle.

Old friends marvel, but are kept from his ambit. Without friends and family, he has no verification of what he is experiencing, so is not experiencing it.

Where there is a potential that perhaps an abused wife will escape the relationship, the abused husband never will because he will never realises he is a victim.

He will continue to believe he 'wears the pants', continue to think that he is brighter than his wife. He will never suspect that she manipulates him, sabotages every act and alliance he attempts. He will be fooled into believing that her silence is not contempt but consent.

In most cases, the abused wife escapes, either physically or at the death of her husband. The abused husband never escapes but is often thrown out by the wife when she finds someone else.... or as is the usual story, she has always had someone else.