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Marriage and Relationships: 6 Tips to Help the 90% of Couples That are Incompatible

Updated on August 13, 2009

Many generations ago, marriage was about survival, property, money, securing family dynasties, and pragmatism, not love or sexual intimacy. Marriage remained popular largely because of the stigma attached to sex outside of marriage.

Now “love” is the main reason given for tying the knot, but do most couples share enough compatibility, including chemistry, to spend the rest of their lives together?

After over 25 years of empirical research involving relationships, spirituality, matchmaking, and personality and compatibility assessment, we’ve found that most couples don’t.

True Compatibility is Very Rare

Initially, it can be difficult to perceive a new relationship clearly, as the illusion of romantic love can cloud judgment. Most who plan to get married think they’re a great match, but having life-long, true compatibility including mutual chemistry and mutual physical and sexual attraction is very rare, even among couples that appear to have the perfect relationship.

Then you must consider the fact that people evolve (or regress) at various rates, which commonly pulls a couple apart over the course of their lives.

When evaluating someone’s personality, we discern an individual’s strengths and challenges. Mix in their unique timing, the compatibility assessments, and idiosyncrasies (physical and, or habitual) that repel instead of attract a potential match, and the level of genuine harmony concerning two people is brought to light.

We’ve found that most couples, especially when the relationship begins in their teens or 20s, lack the long-term mutual compatibility that is needed for a life-long, happy relationship. We estimate that 90% or more of couples don't even come close to the more desirable, higher levels of compatibility, including great chemistry.

What about sacrifice, you say? If you love someone, shouldn’t you be willing to sacrifice? Only to a point, as being a martyr isn’t healthy. While it might be considered noble, and certainly a good relationship is worth some sacrifice, too much will make you die inside over time.

So What do You do?

Are you supposed to just stay single or unhappily involved for the rest of your life?

It’s Not Your Fault

If you’ve read the best-selling self-help books and, or attended the popular seminars but you’re still not living the love life you think you should be, the so-called relationship experts aren’t telling you the whole story. It’s their fault. We show you what they are hiding, or don’t even know!

It’s Not For Everyone

Our recommendations and advice are not for those who insist on viewing all the romantic myths and illusions (see the next column in two weeks for more information) as truth and refuse to face the reality of relationships. You will benefit from what we have to share if you are willing to look at your love life from a different vantage point.

Some of the following suggestions may sound overly-simplistic, but you’d be surprised how few people follow them on a regular basis. Some may seem out of the ordinary, but since our society’s relationship customs aren’t working out so well, we urge you to consider them.

6 Tips for a Better Love life

1) Be realistic. It’s okay to want the experience of love and romance and even the fantasy of the ideal relationship. But it’s better to allow each possible relationship to unfold naturally and be what it is meant to be. Try not to project your wishes and expectations onto someone.

2) Don’t look for someone to fulfill your every need or expect this from a partner. Each person you become involved with entails different reasons and lessons, often unknown to you in the beginning. With the right direction, you can see your potential matches more clearly from the start. Don’t expect your partner to be there for you mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually at all times, because they may not be capable of it and it’s not your right to demand this. Developing friendships outside of your relationship and self-reliance will help solve this common problem.

3) Try to enjoy each other with no expectations. If you feel insecure about doing this without a “commitment,” you may want to reexamine why, if your reasons are still valid, and how you might be able to overcome your fears.

4) Do as much as you can to work through relationship problems, but also accept that most relationships are not meant to last a lifetime, as evidenced by our long-term findings, the high divorce rates, and the multitudes who remain unhappily married.

5) If you insist on marriage, make sure you share compatibility including mutual chemistry that you suspect is strong enough to last for the rest of your life (be honest with yourself about this). Waiting at least a few years before getting married is a good idea to ensure that you’re not confusing compatibility, including chemistry, with romantic illusion. Comprehensive numerology, astrology, and handwriting analysis with an experienced practitioner are great tools to define your levels of compatibility.

6) If you’re already married or involved in a marriage-like relationship and you're both truly happy (not just content), you should feel very grateful. If one or both of you are unhappy, consider the restrictions and demands of your legally-binding agreement that may be at the root of this, and investigate ways to improve your bond, such as therapy. Accepting each other as you are (not as you think they should be) and the relationship as it is will also help. If you’ve done all that you can and feel it’s time to move on, it may be.

Copyright © 2009 Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo

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