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Marriage Will Change You

Updated on June 2, 2020
Akin Akinbodunse profile image

'Been married the last 22+ years and currently moderate 6 years old, 96,000 plus strong Marriage Educational Community on Facebook

Change is Demanded

Marriage is all about change. Change is not something to be feared, nor avoided. Rather, it is something to be anticipated, embraced, and used for our own good, the good of our spouse, and that of others.

A healthy and enduring marriage relationship is a journey in change and adjustments by the parties involved, as they study and get to know each other. Marriage is all about embracing these changes and using them for the common good of the union. Marriage is ordained to increase us, to help us do more and mature.

We cannot be in a healthy marriage relationship and refuse to change. For one or both parties not wanting to change spells doom for the relationship. It means one or both parties will not be happy, or fulfilled in the relationship. Not wanting to change is tantamount to plugging the lifestream of the marriage relationship.

"After marriage, all things change. And one of them better be you." (Elizabeth Hawes)

Normalization of Personalities

Marriage is analogous to two persons going for a walk. For them to walk together, and not leave each other behind, they both have to walk at a new speed. This new speed is different from the speed of either of them. It is some new speed that suits their interaction, while they walk with a sense of commonality, enjoying each other’s company.

Imagine if one person decides not to change and force the other to walk at his or her pace. The one having to adjust sure will not be a happy camper. And, will not be free to fully yield of his/her best. Rather than being renewed by the relationship, the oppressed feels used, drained, and abused. The abuser, on the other hand, is depriving (shortchanging) him/herself of the treasure in his/her partner that is meant to increase/bless him/her.

None of us has arrived. We are each on a journey of perfection. That is one of the pivotal intent of marriage. It is to disturb our comfort zone so that we can grow. It is to intrude our privacy and hypocrisy to the intent of unmasking us. It is to open the wounds we have hitherto given an artificial covering to, and cause it on the path of true healing.

"When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you're sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship." (Joseph Campbell)

Marriage is a Sacrifice

Marriage was not necessarily ordained to make us happy. We sure don't need any external factors to be happy. Happiness is from within. It is the definition we give to things. It is our perspective on things that are happening external to us, in relationship to the things taking place on the inside of us.

Marriage is ordained to challenge our hitherto established comfort zones. It is ordained to take us to high levels of maturity. It is ordained to release us to new and higher levels of service to humanity. We can only fulfill its intent only if we allow our selves to be touched by marriage. That is to be open to the stream of life.

"When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." (Unknown)

Compatible for Change

As it relates to marriage, people are taught to look for someone who is compatible with them. It means both parties need to have some basic, fundamental commonalities that bring them together. This does not mean they have to agree on every single thing. There are no two people who are completely compatible. It is okay to agree to disagree, respectfully. It takes nothing away from your marriage and/or relationship. Rather, it enriches it. The key operating word is "respectfully."

If you are dating someone who agrees with you on every single topic there is a problem. Don’t rejoice. You are dating either a dead person or a phony. Someone is out to devour you. If your spouse agrees with you on every single issue, you are in trouble. Don’t rejoice. You have been marked for the slaughter. He/she has simply gone into a state of passivity. He/she is simply marking time either to leave or get back at you.

None of us has arrived. We should beware of the temptation of wanting everyone else to adapt to our own ways, and not lifting a finger to shift towards them. True friendship, true relationship is melting together. It is not my way. It is not your way. It is our way.

We are all different

No two persons are exactly alike. That is why it is called “PERSONALITY” (that which makes a person unique). If your partner is exactly like you, in every single way, then one of you is useless.

Until you are confident and comfortable in your personality you are not ready for marriage. Your maturity is seen in your personality and the character with which you relate with others from this.

For those yet dating, please don’t marry a person who is uncomfortable with their personality, and/or yours also. If you do, you are entering an already failed marriage.

And, for those already in the train, open up your heart and mind to change. You can learn, you can grow. You can grow toward and together with your spouse.

What are you waiting for?

© 2018 Akin Akinbodunse


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    • Akin Akinbodunse profile imageAUTHOR

      Akin Akinbodunse 

      3 years ago from Lagos, Nigeria

      Very well said, Dashingscorpio. That is why it is important to have one's eyes wide open before marriage.

      You have to have your absolute "must haves," to which you are not willing to compromise. Then, the "like to haves" you can compromise on. Your "must haves" have to be things that determine your very personality, without which you will be handicap. The challenge is some switch the two. They relegate the "must haves" and are carried away by the "like to haves." The "like to haves" are awesome during courtship, but they are not what hold marriages together. The "must haves" are what hold marriages together, for they go to the very core of who a person is.

      However, if one is already in a marriage relationship, things can always be worked out, for as long as the two are willing. We all can change. We are no trees. We are human beings. We are people who can learn. We are people who can think. We are people who can create. We are people who can change, only if we are willing.

      "When you make excuses, you deny yourself the opportunity to grow." (Tayo Adeyemi)

      Excuses are killers. We all need to leave by strong reasons, not excuses. We need to find something to live for bigger than us.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago from Chicago

      "there are no two {perfectly compatible} people anywhere in the world." - Akin, you are correct.

      However the goal should be to choose the (most compatible) person for one's mate for life. Don't sweat the small stuff.

      Everyone has their own "must haves list" or things that are extremely important to them and finding someone who shares your same values is a big part of the dating and courtship process. If both people (want) the same thing then the so called "work" actually becomes "a labor of love".

      Too often people fail to realize when they have chosen the "wrong mate" for themselves. The notion that relationships requires "hard work" also has been known to keep people in "toxic relationships" for far too long. Recently I read a somewhat crass but true quote:

      "Love is like a fart: If you have to force it, it's probably sh*t!

      Anyone who is in a relationship and can't be them self or finds them self constantly stressing out, arguing, and unhappy... they're probably with the WRONG person. Human beings make mistakes!

      We're either "growing together" or "growing apart".

      Communication is the GPS for relationships.

      It lets us know which direction we're heading towards.

    • Akin Akinbodunse profile imageAUTHOR

      Akin Akinbodunse 

      3 years ago from Lagos, Nigeria

      Awesome contributions. You know there are no two perfectly compatible people anywhere in the world. Every relationship takes a working at by the parties involved. It is essential that the mutual willingness exist. The willingness is what leads to maturity and a solidification of the relationship.

    • profile image


      3 years ago

      Yes dashingscorpio you want to come home to a peace zone, to rest, enjoy and feel relished. To not be "challenged" where you have walked into another war zone with someone who really is your enemy in sheep's clothing. Who wants that??? Not me and not you.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago from Chicago

      The goal is to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship that you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.

      Compatibility trumps compromise.

      Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys!

      There is no amount of "work" or "communication" that can overcome being with someone who simply does not want what you want. Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

      Having said that I have talked with others who tell me they want relationships/marriages with people that will "challenge" them and "make them grow". There's someone for everyone!

      I've always been of the mindset that when I return to the castle after a full day of slaying dragons I want to be able to take off the amour and put down the shield and sword.

      I have all the "challenges" I want on the other side of the door!

      There are 3 basic reasons why people breakup/divorce.

      1. They chose the wrong mate. (They're too incompatible.)

      2. Someone committed a "deal breaker" in the eyes of another.

      3. They fell out of love/stopped wanting the same things.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.


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