Marriage Will Change You
Change is Demanded
Marriage is all about change. Change is not something to be feared, nor avoided. Rather, it is something to be anticipated, embraced, and used for our own good, the good of our spouse, and that of others.
A healthy and enduring marriage relationship is a journey in change and adjustments by the parties involved, as they study and get to know each other. Marriage is all about embracing these changes and using them for the common good of the union. Marriage is ordained to increase us, to help us do more and mature.
We cannot be in a healthy marriage relationship and refuse to change. For one or both parties not wanting to change spells doom for the relationship. It means one or both parties will not be happy, or fulfilled in the relationship. Not wanting to change is tantamount to plugging the lifestream of the marriage relationship.
"After marriage, all things change. And one of them better be you." (Elizabeth Hawes)
Normalization of Personalities
Marriage is analogous to two persons going for a walk. For them to walk together, and not leave each other behind, they both have to walk at a new speed. This new speed is different from the speed of either of them. It is some new speed that suits their interaction, while they walk with a sense of commonality, enjoying each other’s company.
Imagine if one person decides not to change and force the other to walk at his or her pace. The one having to adjust sure will not be a happy camper. And, will not be free to fully yield of his/her best. Rather than being renewed by the relationship, the oppressed feels used, drained, and abused. The abuser, on the other hand, is depriving (shortchanging) him/herself of the treasure in his/her partner that is meant to increase/bless him/her.
None of us has arrived. We are each on a journey of perfection. That is one of the pivotal intent of marriage. It is to disturb our comfort zone so that we can grow. It is to intrude our privacy and hypocrisy to the intent of unmasking us. It is to open the wounds we have hitherto given an artificial covering to, and cause it on the path of true healing.
"When you make the sacrifice in marriage, you're sacrificing not to each other but to unity in a relationship." (Joseph Campbell)
Marriage is a Sacrifice
Marriage was not necessarily ordained to make us happy. We sure don't need any external factors to be happy. Happiness is from within. It is the definition we give to things. It is our perspective on things that are happening external to us, in relationship to the things taking place on the inside of us.
Marriage is ordained to challenge our hitherto established comfort zones. It is ordained to take us to high levels of maturity. It is ordained to release us to new and higher levels of service to humanity. We can only fulfill its intent only if we allow our selves to be touched by marriage. That is to be open to the stream of life.
"When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary." (Unknown)
Compatible for Change
As it relates to marriage, people are taught to look for someone who is compatible with them. It means both parties need to have some basic, fundamental commonalities that bring them together. This does not mean they have to agree on every single thing. There are no two people who are completely compatible. It is okay to agree to disagree, respectfully. It takes nothing away from your marriage and/or relationship. Rather, it enriches it. The key operating word is "respectfully."
If you are dating someone who agrees with you on every single topic there is a problem. Don’t rejoice. You are dating either a dead person or a phony. Someone is out to devour you. If your spouse agrees with you on every single issue, you are in trouble. Don’t rejoice. You have been marked for the slaughter. He/she has simply gone into a state of passivity. He/she is simply marking time either to leave or get back at you.
None of us has arrived. We should beware of the temptation of wanting everyone else to adapt to our own ways, and not lifting a finger to shift towards them. True friendship, true relationship is melting together. It is not my way. It is not your way. It is our way.
We are all different
No two persons are exactly alike. That is why it is called “PERSONALITY” (that which makes a person unique). If your partner is exactly like you, in every single way, then one of you is useless.
Until you are confident and comfortable in your personality you are not ready for marriage. Your maturity is seen in your personality and the character with which you relate with others from this.
For those yet dating, please don’t marry a person who is uncomfortable with their personality, and/or yours also. If you do, you are entering an already failed marriage.
And, for those already in the train, open up your heart and mind to change. You can learn, you can grow. You can grow toward and together with your spouse.
What are you waiting for?
© 2018 Akin Akinbodunse