Me, My heart and Internet Boys
The Internet Girl, this was me around the time I discovered the existence of other people on the internet. From Youtube to Google hangouts to Facebook, I became interested in cyber interactions. Like other users I saw it as an escape from my daily life, which I observed to be boring, maybe a little grey and repetitive. After a few days I came upon a site that really enhanced the feeling of escapism. I was able to immerse myself with the graphics and character customization so well I almost forgot my own skin color. I would like to note that I had no problems making friends or even getting a boyfriend at this time. I believe it was my insecurity that built up which led to me continuing this practice.
I made a few friends on the site in my first months of use. They were all innocent in my eyes helping me get familiar with the controls and gadgets the game provided, even going so far as to give me money so I knew how to buy things. I enjoyed this, it was everything I wanted in a immersive game at that age, discarding my appearance, acquiring a new personality and attracting colleagues with ease. This was until I met him my first internet boy. The names and other personal information I gained will all be left out. We met on the site when I was roaming around on my own as most of the friends I'd hang out with were offline. His character seemed very casual which is what made him stand out to me. I walked up to him to say "Hi" but surprisingly he spoke first and just like everyone else I met we hit it off. I tried to ask him a few questions about the games but as it turns out he was almost as new as me (joined a few months prior). Quickly we moved to becoming closer friends, soon he became the only friend I'd talk to when we both came online. He didn't cut me off from them or anything I just preferred him. He made me feel...
Amazing! I began to open up to him, mostly just talking about how my day was at school and snacks I liked. It kept a lot of focus on me which I enjoyed. He made me feel genuine and after a while he shared information about him self too. Though he was older than I was it was still a while before he made any advances towards me. When said advances did begin I was already feeling the same way, we never said that we were in a relationship because we weren't. It was a "thing" we had. This was my first time having said "thing" and it led me to viewing this as the norm for people online who had feelings for one another. After a year and a few month of us just enjoying each other's company and learning the other's schedule he vanished. I was devastated, and came online fairly often to see when he would come back. He did, after giving a forgettable excuse we fell back into our old antics but now he became more... sexual. I was in high school and knew how to avoid and ignore such advances till it became too much to. Nothing too bad happened between us and I assure you we took part in no illegal activities but that's as far as I will go on that. In due time I also stopped using the site after an incident and moved on.
I sort of missed the feeling he gave me and had realized he opened a door for me I never knew existed. A door a to role playing world, that I reveled in. To this day I still do it but moderated and in a more (as I would say it) sophisticated way. After this encounter I was left to look for this feeling through that world. Sometimes I found it and other times I didn't but I can say it helped me develop my enjoyment of writing. It may be hard for some to see but it did. Remembering what I did back then does make me cringe but who doesn't when they recall things they did as a tween?
Here it is, the "Internet Boys". I have spoken to many in my cyber craze and I like to think they've all left a mark on me. Either teaching me something or steering me away from themselves and worse outcomes. They've boosted my self esteem sometimes and brought me down to size when needed. Obviously they weren't all good, I met my fair share of "nice guys", manipulative assholes and perverted psychos. Sometimes I was that person and I'm not proud of it at all. I'd like to say that I'm no heroine of this story and these guys are not all villains to me. Some of them were very sweet to me and I still keep platonic contact with them to this day. Due to these interactions I became able to identify when I'm being manipulated and I am able to the same as well. Not a great skill to brag about but one I have acquired nonetheless. With these Internet Boys came that attention and "center of the universe" feeling I missed. The crave for it almost consumed me and caused me to lose some potentially good friends. Though I might have gotten out of hand online I never let any of that spill into my real life. I kept it all regulated, separate and never let it distract me. "Cuz I am about dat money." That's pretty much it for my first Hub. I look forward to making more for this account.