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What does it REALLY mean when someone in a relationship says that they "Need To Find Themselves?"

Updated on March 27, 2012

Meet the invisible woman

"What do we live for if it is not to make life more difficult for each other," but this is not, you shake your heads, what gentle Mr Eliot said.
"What do we live for if it is not to make life more difficult for each other," but this is not, you shake your heads, what gentle Mr Eliot said.
And before you accuse me of gender stereotypes, let me just explain this jolly experiment of mine: the answers of my fellow 'macho' hubbers on the left contra just me on the right with many wise men on my side.
And before you accuse me of gender stereotypes, let me just explain this jolly experiment of mine: the answers of my fellow 'macho' hubbers on the left contra just me on the right with many wise men on my side.
It is, after all, representation of our time. We can swap genders and sides any time. It is about partners as such, whichever gender they are ...
It is, after all, representation of our time. We can swap genders and sides any time. It is about partners as such, whichever gender they are ...
"We can not learn from one another until we stop shouting at one another, until we speak quietly enough so that our words cna be heard as well as our voices", another clever man said, president Nixon for you, here.
"We can not learn from one another until we stop shouting at one another, until we speak quietly enough so that our words cna be heard as well as our voices", another clever man said, president Nixon for you, here.
"It must be a peace without victory - only a peace between equals can last." said wise Mr Wison, president of USA from 1856 to 1924.
"It must be a peace without victory - only a peace between equals can last." said wise Mr Wison, president of USA from 1856 to 1924.
It applies for whole countries as well as for the partners in one country, one house, one room and one bed.
It applies for whole countries as well as for the partners in one country, one house, one room and one bed.
Experience love and life fully but don't let it to control you as an addiction does. For an addiction to be present, it needs to take over your life.
Experience love and life fully but don't let it to control you as an addiction does. For an addiction to be present, it needs to take over your life.
You have to hand over your power to it and allow it to make you feel dependent upon it for strength, self esteem and a sense of value.
You have to hand over your power to it and allow it to make you feel dependent upon it for strength, self esteem and a sense of value.
Whether it is love or something else, we surely don't want to lose control over ourselves to that extent. Always hold on your own power and trust that everything you want will come to you without sacrificing your integrity.
Whether it is love or something else, we surely don't want to lose control over ourselves to that extent. Always hold on your own power and trust that everything you want will come to you without sacrificing your integrity.
Let love develop in its own time for like a fine wine, true feelings need nurturing and space. Give your partner as much space and time they need.
Let love develop in its own time for like a fine wine, true feelings need nurturing and space. Give your partner as much space and time they need.
Life around us, as well as all individuals in it, come in myriads of shades, to love someone, doesn't mean to grow dependent on other for filling our own life with colours.
Life around us, as well as all individuals in it, come in myriads of shades, to love someone, doesn't mean to grow dependent on other for filling our own life with colours.
Let them go and let them be. Emotional hunger can never be fed by others. You are the one, that can bring the colour back into your life.
Let them go and let them be. Emotional hunger can never be fed by others. You are the one, that can bring the colour back into your life.
Once we realize we are always safe whether we are alone or in a couple, there would be no need to look to others for validation, there comes the time to open the door of our house and welcome our partner and a life companion on the equal ground.
Once we realize we are always safe whether we are alone or in a couple, there would be no need to look to others for validation, there comes the time to open the door of our house and welcome our partner and a life companion on the equal ground.

Meet the invisible men



"So you've given up on me?"

She said,

amazed

at all this rare talk

from him.



"No,"

he murmured,

unconvinced,

"I need a beer,"

he quickly left.


"Why can't she get it?"

he entered the pub

and found his mate,

"When a guy sez,

he needs to find himself,

it REALLY means

that another girl

has caught his eye

and he wants to see

if he can get her in bed....."

(Meet the invisible man

number one,

and his answer

to this universal question,

how to take your leave

without facing 'the storm'

of consequence).




"So tell her the truth,"

his mate's girlfriend

joined in

handing them

a beer each.


"It's NOT really a lie,

of course,

since he REALLY

"needs to find (himself)"

in her's or his bed........."

(Meet the invisible man

number one,

again.)




"You are just a jerk,"

the girlfriend waved her hand

and moved closer to her boyfriend,

who quickly backed his mate:

"It is better than to say,

he needs more space,

like another bed

with a girl in it,

imagine that?"

They both laughed,

while she punched her boyfriend

angrilly in his rib:

"I will tell her everything,

what you said,

don't worry about that,

and then you done, mate,

no girl and no bed

a hundred mile around here."




"Just calm down, honey,

what is said here,

stays here,"

Her boyfriend said

and ordered another beer.




A barman

filling their glasses again,

looked her in the eye,

with a little sad smile:

"They are full of silly little cliches

like I need some space,

or I need a little more time.

They think that phrases

like that are

'deep' and 'meaningful,

but you know them better,

than that."

(Meet the invisible man,

number two,

his answer,

just like the answer before,

you find

for your reference

in the question

section,

thank you

my fellow hubbers,

for letting me

to use it,

here for you.)

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    • Larry Fields profile image

      Larry Fields 4 years ago from Northern California

      I didn't know that. Voted up and more. By the way, whatever happened to, "It's not you; it's me?" :-)

    • Pearldiver profile image

      Rob Welsh 4 years ago from Tomorrow - In Words & NZ Time.

      Cool Beata, interesting answer that also promotes WA... Nice work. Thanks for doing justice to my hub subject with that awesome talent of yours.. liked this very much.. Cheers... take care. PD

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      Maybe I should explain, dear Bob, I have written different response, following up my answer to the Pearldiver's question, but after reading two beautifuly enganging responses of two fellow hubbers there I have rewritten it from the scratch...just couldn't miss that jolly good opportunity:)

      Cheers, 'Peraldiver', just thought to have some fun with words, and mostly with words of others this time...happy you had fun reading it as well:)

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Great captions with your pictures. You are right on with this hub! First, you have to take care of your own happiness and secondly, the line "finding myself" is so worn out as to be silly to the extreme. We are all finding ourselves each and every day and amazingly millions manage a relationship while doing it.

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      Voted up! Know someone who's been finding themselves for over 10 years now maybe at the end of their life they'll meet up with themselves.

    • Night Magic profile image

      Night Magic 4 years ago from Canada

      Once again, a great hub. Voted up and useful. I've had those cliches repeated to me more than once. As soon as I hear one, I get on with my life and don't look back or go back.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 4 years ago

      I believe you are right on this familiar saying. It is a shame people can't just come right out with the truth. It may hurt but it does respect the other person's feelings. Interesting read!

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      Thank you, my dear fellow hubbers, happy that my words resonate with you, it is good to approach our mishaps and grievances in our relationships with a little bit of laugh. The Austro-German writer Joseph Roth (the writer close to my heart from my homeland) send a Birthday wish to his niece long time ago: "There is one thing I wish you above all:that you don't forget your laugh. Laughter is the tinkling silver bell that some good angel gave us on our life's road. But because it is so light and loose, it's easily lost. Somewhere by the wayside. And big fate goes by with squeeking boots, and grinds it underfoot, the laughter. Some people are lucky to find another. Or someone else find it, and picks it up, and returns it to its rightful owner. Not often, though! So look after it."

      I am happy to share this 'Birthday wish from long time ago' with all of you, dear fellow hubbers and hope you never loose your laughter!

    • diogenes profile image

      diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico

      If someone says, "I really need to find myself," they may mean exactly that. They are immature and not centered. They haven't achieved that needed balance between the ego, id and superego.

      These people may, indeed, still be looking for their "self."

      Bob

    • ackman1465 profile image

      ackman1465 4 years ago from Cape Coral, Florida

      Larry Field: "It's not you; it's me?" :-) is the follow-up statement, made once the lucky guy gets the lucky girl in to bed......

    • hirundine profile image

      hirundine 4 years ago from Nelson, B.C. Canada

      In the words of the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band. "How do you find yourself today"?- "Well I woke up this morning and there I was".

      Finding yourself; is difficult enough but it's what you do with it, once it's been found. ... Cheers!

    • Vellur profile image

      Nithya Venkat 4 years ago from Dubai

      Great hub, loved the photos and captions. Voted up.

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      Yes, Bob, that's what I have written as an answer originally:)...but then writing took me to some other direction:)

      Thanks 'ackman' for clarification, learning something new every day, don't forget I am 'foreign English girl', ha,ha

      What to do with ourselves? That's the question worth a hundred bucks...I have no answer on that, dear 'hirundine in a beautiful black berret'.

      Thanks Vellur, happy to hear from your again:)

    • FitnezzJim profile image

      FitnezzJim 4 years ago from Fredericksburg, Virginia

      Wulp, I saw the question and I thought of Drops of Jupiter, and the question asked by Train: 'did you miss me while you were looking for yourself, out there'?

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      Fast speeding train misses much on its fast lane even the drops of Jupiter will not manage its hot tin exterior, do not mention its interior at all:)

      Oh ackman, something to add, great to hear about the lucky boys, girls, now is your turn what you say if you manage to caught that handsome boy of yours?

    • ImKarn23 profile image

      Karen Silverman 4 years ago

      The truth may hurt - bullshit hurts more! Well done! So true!

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      Yes, Im, I agree with you, have a great day wherever you are:)

    • Rusti Mccollum profile image

      Ruth McCollum 4 years ago from Lake Oswego, Oregon

      Loved this hub.Sadly it's the truth.I actually felt for the girl at home.A lot of men are that way.I think they all read from that same book.I'd like to get my hands on that stupid iBook they are born with. Lol

      great hubb

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      Hi Rusti, having two sons in their twenties, I feel I have to defend boys and men, little bit:), there are 'bad boys' and 'great boys' AND there are 'bad girls' and 'great girls'...next time I have to do the story from the man's point of view, so they do not feel victimized, lol:)

      Just joking, Rusti, happy to stop and thank you for your lovely comment, just wanted to put things little bit straight:)

    • rtburroughs2 profile image

      Robert Burroughs 4 years ago

      It is interesting that we share some of the same followers.I enjoyed this Hub.Personally when I am in a relationship, I am in a relationship. I don't believe in "finding myself," if I was not satisfied with a relationship I would either work on it or end it. After all that would be the right thing to do.

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      You are lucky man, not everyone is so clear about their relationships, I used to see the relationships the way like you do, but with family and children involved somehow many relationships are not 'black and white' anymore, they enter the colour 'grey':)

      Thanks for your visit and your geniune comment, and come back again:) We have good taste, it looks like or our followers have:)

    • buckleupdorothy profile image

      buckleupdorothy 4 years ago from Istanbul, Turkey

      Lovely! Voted up and shared.

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      Thank you, Dorothy, happy you stopped by:)

    • Skarlet profile image

      Skarlet 4 years ago from California

      This is a good one. I need to show this to my friend. @ImKarn23 Great comment LoL!

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      Great that you liked it, Skarlet and you are keen to share it...it looks like we have similar point of view:)

    • jirel profile image

      jirel 4 years ago from Philippines

      That was simply amazing poem.I definitely have to vote it up.

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      So many of us has similar experience, it is great to see, happy to hear from you, Jirel:)

    • profile image

      ExoticHippieQueen 4 years ago

      Men and boys have been using that line (I need to find myself, or I need some space) since I was a teenager, and probably long before to back out of a relationship. I suppose women do use it, too, but men much more frequently!

      Nice free verse..........

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      Hello and so true, 'fun loving exotic queens' and my poem was all about that...whenever boy or girl uses this phrase (good on you girls, learning to stand your ground:) it always comes back to bite them back:)

    • rdsparrowriter profile image

      rdsparrowriter 4 years ago

      Nice hub. Love the pictures and the words that carries with them. God bless!

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      'Scattered images in my mind'...I love them too and always happy to share:)

    • Thelma Alberts profile image

      Thelma Alberts 4 years ago from Germany

      It´s a worn out saying. If a man says "I need to find myself" then, he is really lost. If my hubby says that to me, I´ll answer "I´m already wondering where my hubby is. I can´t wait for him any longer." Lol.....Love this poem and the photos are great. Thanks for sharing.

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 4 years ago from Western Australia

      My hubby would not say this either, he is 'much more stable' than I am, ha,ha...but then my writings are not always about me...my free poems are about people around me and from the overwhelming response I realized these stories are universal...touching many people...it doesn't need to be your story, but it may a story of someone you know:)

    • Kathryn Stratford profile image

      Kathryn 3 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

      Beata, I am sorry it took so long for me to check your site out!

      This is cool. I like the two sides of this, with photos and fantastic quotes on the right. Very well done, and the pictures are gorgeous!

      It is interesting how often the term "finding myself" is used, and what it might mean to many people.

    • Beata Stasak profile image
      Author

      Beata Stasak 3 years ago from Western Australia

      Thank you Kathryn for stopping by, it is kind of you, we live in hurried time so I am pleased you find any to stop by:) All the best and looking forward to hear from you again:)

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