Memories of love - regretting the divorce
It's been a cold day on the last day of January. I still remember so many things, so many moments and I always will. It was one of the most special days in my life and always will be. I got married that day in a beautiful church and all in white. It was a wonderful wedding. - 12 years later followed divorce, it was my decision.A decision I regret now years later. But there is no way to go back in time.
I had a great husband, 4 children - but something was missing. We were very different and this showed more and more as we grew older. We both were young, I was only 21 when I married him and we didn't even know each other for more than a year. We had planned to get married, but it also happened just within days after we made that decision that we found out that I was pregnant as well. No regrets.
But how much did I understand about maturing and really getting to know each other. How much did I know about him and my needs to keep this marriage alive and in good hands and safe? I learned that he was not able to protect me from the harm from my family, he was too tender and to easily to be influences by others. But I was too young to express what I really needed and what bothered me most. I felt lost and alone. I had nobody to turn to - my family was never really there for me.
We had troubled years and he was not listening when I was trying to talk, so I strayed in emails and in person - seeking understanding, being heard. Unaware and not realizing myself what else I could do. There were times I don't want to look back too, so bad. He had an accident that almost killed him - a suicidal attempt. I drove off in the middle of the night with no sleep for 24 hours ending up on an icy road, crashed and flipped over - but survived with just bruises and some scratches. There was separation and return....still there was not the key to open our eyes for finding the right direction....but only loss.
I thought I didn't love him anymore. I know better now...and I know I will always love him and wished I never divorced him, but I have to move on.
It hurts me to see him with another woman who is not right for him, who has a bad personality and he even married her. Family members turned away from him since he got together with that woman. I am glad I have memories of him as a wonderful person, a fantastic father that he was. Not the one he is now with this woman, who influences him in negative ways. But it is my fault that he got involved with that woman. If I didn't walk away he would not be with her.
Sometimes I wonder how he thinks about us, if he even thinks about the times we had? Does he have some memories he will never forget with me? Does he have moments when he thinks about what went wrong or what he could have done to save the marriage? Sometimes I wished I could tell him those things, but I can't. There are even times when I wished I could knock at his door and just say "Hi"....
What have I learned? Before you file for divorce walk the storms together. Divorce is not easier than the pain you realize later on. The loss you might realize later is greater than a divorce. I would rather go through all pain again and again than making the mistake again of walking away. You cannot replace a true love for anything or anybody. And it is so hard to find.Even the differences we had can be overcome, I know now.
Divorce has become such an easy tool to end all the pain and hardship a relationship brings along. We often marry when we are young and we are still not mature and have not developed into fully who we are. Sometimes we are still on the journey to find out who we really are and we might end up as a different person in some ways than when we got married a few years earlier. But the same thing will happen in any other relationship and for life you will go through changes. There will be problems in any relationship - none will be just honey and sugar. So you are just having a temporary break from problems and struggles. The new ones might be different, but not necessarily easier. So - stay where you are and make the decision to walk the rocky road together - whatever it takes. Stand behind the commitment you once made....and you will grow together.
I could have had so much more than just a marriage with him, but I blew it all. Was the divorce really the easier way out of all the troubles we were in? I don't think so after all those years. Back then, yes, I thought so. Now I see it all very different, I have grown by 15 years and I wished I had the maturity back then. But I did not know any better - I just know one thing. When we met and got married - it was true love. And true love doesn't die.
When I heard the song below for the first time - it made me so sad and it just hurt. That is when I felt for the first time how much I lost....and it will always remember me of what I have done. UPDATE: Video does not work for some reason...please look it up yourself to listen to Cliff Richard - This love you will never forget at youtube. Thank you.