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Memories of love - regretting the divorce

Updated on March 6, 2013
If you are deeply in love when you get married, chances are you are truly in love. So, don't loose what you have.
If you are deeply in love when you get married, chances are you are truly in love. So, don't loose what you have. | Source

It's been a cold day on the last day of January. I still remember so many things, so many moments and I always will. It was one of the most special days in my life and always will be. I got married that day in a beautiful church and all in white. It was a wonderful wedding. - 12 years later followed divorce, it was my decision.A decision I regret now years later. But there is no way to go back in time.

I had a great husband, 4 children - but something was missing. We were very different and this showed more and more as we grew older. We both were young, I was only 21 when I married him and we didn't even know each other for more than a year. We had planned to get married, but it also happened just within days after we made that decision that we found out that I was pregnant as well. No regrets.

But how much did I understand about maturing and really getting to know each other. How much did I know about him and my needs to keep this marriage alive and in good hands and safe? I learned that he was not able to protect me from the harm from my family, he was too tender and to easily to be influences by others. But I was too young to express what I really needed and what bothered me most. I felt lost and alone. I had nobody to turn to - my family was never really there for me.

We had troubled years and he was not listening when I was trying to talk, so I strayed in emails and in person - seeking understanding, being heard. Unaware and not realizing myself what else I could do. There were times I don't want to look back too, so bad. He had an accident that almost killed him - a suicidal attempt. I drove off in the middle of the night with no sleep for 24 hours ending up on an icy road, crashed and flipped over - but survived with just bruises and some scratches. There was separation and return....still there was not the key to open our eyes for finding the right direction....but only loss.

I thought I didn't love him anymore. I know better now...and I know I will always love him and wished I never divorced him, but I have to move on.

It hurts me to see him with another woman who is not right for him, who has a bad personality and he even married her. Family members turned away from him since he got together with that woman. I am glad I have memories of him as a wonderful person, a fantastic father that he was. Not the one he is now with this woman, who influences him in negative ways. But it is my fault that he got involved with that woman. If I didn't walk away he would not be with her.

Sometimes I wonder how he thinks about us, if he even thinks about the times we had? Does he have some memories he will never forget with me? Does he have moments when he thinks about what went wrong or what he could have done to save the marriage? Sometimes I wished I could tell him those things, but I can't. There are even times when I wished I could knock at his door and just say "Hi"....

What have I learned? Before you file for divorce walk the storms together. Divorce is not easier than the pain you realize later on. The loss you might realize later is greater than a divorce. I would rather go through all pain again and again than making the mistake again of walking away. You cannot replace a true love for anything or anybody. And it is so hard to find.Even the differences we had can be overcome, I know now.

Divorce has become such an easy tool to end all the pain and hardship a relationship brings along. We often marry when we are young and we are still not mature and have not developed into fully who we are. Sometimes we are still on the journey to find out who we really are and we might end up as a different person in some ways than when we got married a few years earlier. But the same thing will happen in any other relationship and for life you will go through changes. There will be problems in any relationship - none will be just honey and sugar. So you are just having a temporary break from problems and struggles. The new ones might be different, but not necessarily easier. So - stay where you are and make the decision to walk the rocky road together - whatever it takes. Stand behind the commitment you once made....and you will grow together.

I could have had so much more than just a marriage with him, but I blew it all. Was the divorce really the easier way out of all the troubles we were in? I don't think so after all those years. Back then, yes, I thought so. Now I see it all very different, I have grown by 15 years and I wished I had the maturity back then. But I did not know any better - I just know one thing. When we met and got married - it was true love. And true love doesn't die.

When I heard the song below for the first time - it made me so sad and it just hurt. That is when I felt for the first time how much I lost....and it will always remember me of what I have done. UPDATE: Video does not work for some reason...please look it up yourself to listen to Cliff Richard - This love you will never forget at youtube. Thank you.

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      mark 4 years ago

      Jon, I feel the exact same way. I was with a beautiful, sweet, and kind woman for 9 years, and I was really horrible and selfish. I cheated and put her through hell, as well as giving myself tons of guilt and shame which made me want to escape even more. It has been 3 years since I left her and I regret everything. I'm not sure what to do about it, other than feel sorry. I recently found some things about her online, and she seems to be doing ok. I feel like such an idiot. We haven't seen each other or spoken since I left.

    • profile image

      Jon 4 years ago

      I wish this was available to me 2 years ago. I was in pretty much the same situation and as I look back at things I find myself filled with hurt and sadness. I find things from back then like old emails, letters and realized what a giant dick I was. I can not imagine the hurt I put my wife (at the time) through. I was such a scumbag and all of these feelings stick with me. I ask myself often "who was I to create so much heartache in someone who loved me so much." I wish the pain would escape me; but I also hope I never forget how I feel now because in some ways I believe I deserve all of the painI have now. I just hope that someday I will be forgiven for stealing a part of someones life.

    • beadreamer247 profile image
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      beadreamer247 4 years ago from Zephyrhills, FL

      SidKemp, I believe in every marriage rocky times will come sooner or later. Don't we say "in good or in bad times" and I am sure we do for a reason. But we like to forget the "bad times"-promise, because it is no fun. Yet, it is part of it and I actually believe it is the part that we get most out of in the long run: we grow, learn, change and adjust.

      Since my divorce I have never come across true love, had two other relationships, but none of them came close to my first marriage in any way. Nothing compares to the memories I have from my first husband, the way I knew him.

    • SidKemp profile image

      Sid Kemp 4 years ago from Boca Raton, Florida (near Miami and Palm Beach)

      We see things much the same way, Be A Dreamer! I would add only that the younger generation today often has no examples of happy marriages from childhood to look to. My parents chose divorce. They were not seeing it as "easy way out," but as "there is no way to make this work." My wife and I got past that and are sticking together. But I understand how many younger people can say, "I've never seen a happy lifelong marriage. Of course divorce makes sense." Not that they are right; but I can see how their life experience got them there.

      Let's keep sharing the dream of keeping the dream of love alive!

    • beadreamer247 profile image
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      beadreamer247 4 years ago from Zephyrhills, FL

      SidKemp, thank you for your comments. Yes, I feel that I like to share my experience and I am sure that more than we truly want to believe feel the same way, but often are afraid to admit. But there are also so many who think divorce is the quick fix answer - and it is not. With any other partner you will have to overcome obstacles and leaving one relationship and going into the next, with or without children, gives you additional packages and burdens that you bring into the new relationship. You can't just shrug off your past - it is there, it is real and part of your life. Divorce does not cut that out of your life.

      And I also agree with you...sometimes divorce is the right choice, but not if there are differences or life throwing rocks at you or between you and your partner.

      I think too often nowadays the young generations are left on their own too much and have to deal with difficult times on their own. When life was shared under one roof with several generations, they had support and the wisdom of the elder. The elder know from experience things we cannot see when we are young.

    • SidKemp profile image

      Sid Kemp 4 years ago from Boca Raton, Florida (near Miami and Palm Beach)

      Your story is very painful and sad. But it is also beautiful . . . because of your honesty. Thank you for sharing from experience a lesson that many young married people need to learn - that, unless there is physical abuse or addiction that can't be healed, divorce is more painful and more damaging than staying married and making things work.

    • beadreamer247 profile image
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      beadreamer247 4 years ago from Zephyrhills, FL

      Only time can tell....you cannot change her mind....you might want to send her my hub....and maybe she will think about it....I am sorry. I wished I could make everyone who thinks about divorce, rethink it before doing so....

    • beadreamer247 profile image
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      beadreamer247 4 years ago from Zephyrhills, FL

      Jenna, I am so glad that you have a second chance and that you both realized it was such a mistake. So, what is this agbalaxy@gmail.com all about. I am a bit confused here. Did he read my post and contacted you or what happened....It makes me happy that my post has helped someone, that's worth more than all the time I spent on it....far far more....Hope you both can fix the shattered hearts and realize that it was a mistake.

    • beadreamer247 profile image
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      beadreamer247 4 years ago from Zephyrhills, FL

      Yes, I understand your pain and sorrow. And I wrote the article for those who consider a divorce and think it is so easy....and how often we make the wrong choice, because a divorce is being made so easy to do....but the consequences it can carry can be heartbreaking. While I still love my ex-husband - I do love him the way he was....not the way he is now. And I don't believe it is the true himself, he is hidden behind a wall of protection and under influence of his new wife, who is so wrong. He is still in pain that I left but he would never admit it or touch the topic because of all the pain I caused to him. Your divorce is very recent...give her time....She's been hurt and maybe she will consider talking to you again, if you truly show her respect and that you are truly sorry...No guarantee, but for now give her room but let her know that you are there for her and that you are sorry.

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      Ovidio 4 years ago

      Im 25 now but I was with my ex wife for 9 years total. Withing those 9 years 2 of them were married to her. This feb. 27 would of bee 3 years of being married to the most wonderful person in the world. I treated her like crap and she always put up with it. Until I decide to cheat on her with a co-worker and my dumbass thinks I loved this girl. I asked for divorced and lost her. A month before the divorce I went crazy and begged her back but it was too late. She had moved on with her life. I miss her and pray to god that one day she will come back to my arms.

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      Jamal 5 years ago

      I wonder if my wife will feel the same way you feel..one day? She hurt me a lot and she is the one who filed for this ugly divorce.

    • beadreamer247 profile image
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      beadreamer247 5 years ago from Zephyrhills, FL

      It is very likely that he might think of me now and then, but his new wife is very controling and he is a person you can influence so easily and she takes full advantage of him. On the outside he has become a very different person, I cannot tell you what's left on the inside.

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      Jamal 5 years ago

      Bea, I can't stop it. In most of the States you can't stop divorce. I can ask for reconciliation which I already did through my lawyer but her lawyer informed my lawyer that she declined it.

      Even though it's very ugly divorce but i have no dout in my heart she still have some feelings toward me because she has very kind heart. Your Ex is with another woman and if you think he became someone else you are wrong, people don't change, they just put masks! I'm sure he thinks of you sometimes and compare. Thank you.

    • beadreamer247 profile image
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      beadreamer247 5 years ago from Zephyrhills, FL

      Jamal, I am sorry for your divorce you cannot control....but what would happen if you state you will not approve the divorce, still want to be her husband? My divorce was in Germany and if one of us would have declined to accept it, court would not have approved it for at least another 2 years.....I am not sure about the laws here.

      For myself - he is with someone else, married her and has become a very different person with her, unfortunately. I would not poke into any relationship, he made that choice and I respect it, no matter what. If he were single....maybe...

    • profile image

      Jamal 5 years ago

      By the way I got married in a very cold day in December, just one day before Christmas in cold Chicago winter. I didn't feel the cold weather while everyone else was complaining of how cold it was that day. It was love that made that cold day warm and so special. We were going to fly to Vegas the next day for our honeymoon, so happy full of hopes, dreams and looking forward to the exciting life we are going to have. I remember that day like yesterday. Now, unfortunately we are going through divorce that i don't want but can't control. I understand my wifes decision and respect it. But i will always miss my wife this beautiful kind woman that came into my life like wonderful spring and walked away..

    • profile image

      Jamal 5 years ago

      I feel your pain and it's so sad to hear this story with all the true love in between its words. Why don't you try contact your ex? maybe you can go back together? It is never too late and we only live once! Good luck

    • beadreamer247 profile image
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      beadreamer247 5 years ago from Zephyrhills, FL

      Sil, if it helped you what I shared....I am more than happy for you and glad that it helped someone.

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      Sil 5 years ago

      Thank you for sharing this, it really helped me...

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      Lynn 5 years ago

      Hi Bea, that is so sad xx