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Most Men Are "Pushed" Into Extra-Marital Affairs by Their Wives-Study Says

Updated on October 7, 2019
Nyamweya profile image

Nyamweya is a Kenyan scholar who has done many years of research on a diversity of topics

A woman with a married man
A woman with a married man | Source

Nagging, hostility, Insecurity and sexual deprivation by their wives are among the reasons why most men opt to have extra-marital affairs. This is according to a new study published in The Journal of Sex Research.

In this study, the authors conducted a survey of 495 men with an average of 20 years and asked the participants whether they cheated in their relationships and the reasons that compelled them to do so. Taking into consideration that the survey was chiefly open ended, the authors grouped the responses by commonality to establish common motivations for infidelity in men. The study duration was six months.

Key reasons given by responses for cheating include lack of love and respect, constant nagging, hostility, and sexual deprivation by their wives.

“It is unfortunate that some women use sex either as a punishment or as a tool for blackmailing their partners into giving in to some favors. There are also others who withhold sex from their partners for flimsy reasons such as being tired all the time. However, most men are particularly vulnerable to sexual temptations if deprived for long” observed Dr. Rhonda Milrad the lead researcher and also professor at Leeds University.

In essence, 77 percent of the responses either explicitly stated “my wife bores me with her incessant nagging over flimsy issues and therefore, I feel uncomfortable staying with her” or eluded it in different ways. This includes being troublesome, disrepective, hostile, boring, or unintelligent in the kind of questions or conversations she posts, leading to dwindling of love and affection. On the contrary, these men were comfortable with side-chicks or secret lovers because they made them feel appreciated, loved, and were friendly to be with.

According to Dr Rhonda, men will get inclined to partners whom they feel comfortable being with as opposed to those who give them stress. They would rather spend time with that side-chick than with a wife who gives them trouble each time they are around. He also says that a man is like a child and want to feel special, the more you pamper him, the more closer to you he will become.

Respondents also said that in most cases, wives can be blamed for dwindling love on the part of the man due to their behavior and actions. They claim that they lose love because of being neglected, bored and being invincible in their own houses despite their contributions.

“Imagine you are the one who is paying rent, food, school fees for children and other bills yet what you get in return is insults, and incessant criticisms. You will definitely feel bored in your house and probably look for a place where your spirits can be raised. This is why some men spend a lot of time in bars with one beer while others get lost in a “friendly” woman’s house.

According to Dr. Caroline Madden, a family and marriage therapist, when men feel rejected, unappreciated, or hurt but do not want to break the marriage, and they consider cheating as the best way to receive the attention they yearn to have.

Too much and unnecessary suspicion is also another factor as claimed by a respondent,

The marriage counselor also argues that if your wife is too suspicious and keeps on mistrusting you even when there are no reason at all, even the little love you had for her will begin fading away. If the partner accuses you of infidelity yet you know you are innocent, you will want to actualize it as part of revenging for the false accusations” revealed one of the respondents adding “that this is how insecure wives have driven their innocent men into infidelity and eventually losing them to other women who are keen to take responsibility on them.

The study also noted that on the contrary, men whose wives allowed them to have sex as they desired, were less nagging and appreciative were less likely to cheat.

However, according to Dr. Rhonda Milrad, there are still men who can cheat irrespective of the circumstances, but the percentage is lower.

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    • Nyamweya profile imageAUTHOR

      Silas Nyamweya 

      7 weeks ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      Mark Richardson, your views are well founded. Thank you for the additional insights.

    • Mark O Richardson profile image

      Mark Richardson 

      2 months ago from Utah

      Silas-

      I think women are here to teach us humility and we are here to teach them patience. It is hard to be humble. I have 5 brothers and most of them have had marital problems because they don't want a woman telling them what to do. But I pick my battles, so I am happily married. Women have a lot going on upstairs, so they need to be patient with us because we do not worry about the same things.

      As dashingscorpio says, compromise can help, especially when it is a little thing.

      Personally, I think pride and selfishness are the biggest problems in relationships.

      I agree that sex is not as much as a drive for women. One woman I knew joked that "Sex is like air. It's no big deal unless you aren't getting any." But it's a stronger drive in men. I agree that women can use sex as a tool/weapon.

      In my opinion, I think marriage counselors typically side with women. I think this is because women can be more emotionally sensitive, although this is similar to a man's pride.

      It is hard to earn trust.

      I think usually when we do things that are morally wrong or against our principles, we are trying to meet an unmet need. So on this topic, men cheat because they don't feel fulfilled.

      Maybe scheduling sex isn't a bad thing?

      You always have a choice. No one makes you do anything. I like learning about the 5 love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. If you know your partner's love language(s), it will help them to love you.

    • Nyamweya profile imageAUTHOR

      Silas Nyamweya 

      2 months ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      Valid point

    • Nyamweya profile imageAUTHOR

      Silas Nyamweya 

      2 months ago from Nairobi, Kenya

      Valid point

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      2 months ago

      There are some valid points to the study. However there are also some guys whose view of monogamy is the equivalent of going on a strict diet. It's not a matter of (if) but rather (when) they will cheat. Their motto is: Variety is the spice of life!

      Oftentimes men who marry at an early age also lack the maturity to deal with issues that sometimes arise in long-term relationships. Having a few drinks with their friends in a nightclub and flirting with other women makes them feel alive. It's more fun in their eyes than having discussions and making compromises.

      Unbelievable opportunities also can play a factor. A married man might find a woman extremely sexy/beautiful and one day she flirts with him or lets him know there's a chance to turn his fantasy into reality. They may be on a business trip/wife is out of town.

      Odds are low he'll get caught and the issue now is to avoid caving in to temptation. As has been said: "The flesh is weak."

      Most men who cheat are looking to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side. Very few cheaters are looking to (replace) one relationship with another. They want to compliment what they already have. Cheaters also don't expect to get caught!

      Whatever is lacking in their marriage/relationship is not a "deal breaker" or otherwise they would be walking away.

      A lot of people cheat in order to stay/tolerate their relationship. Essentially there are some "good things" they want to hold onto.

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