- Gender and Relationships
Moving across the country for love
Moving across the country, away from all you know and cherish, is a big decision, even more so, if you are doing it for love.
If you are a pessimist you will not only consider everything you will lose in the process, but also what will happen if love fails or just isn’t enough.
Some friends and family will point out how many ways it can go wrong, how you will lose your job in the process and ask you what will become of you, when inevitably you return home, in whose house you will crash… I mean, after all, relationships fail everyday without adding the “moving away” ingredient to the recipe.
Personally, I’m not a pessimist and I much believe in love on top of everything else, so when the situation presented to me I had no doubts in my mind. Twelve years ago I moved across the country for love.
But there are some things you need to consider and think about before deciding, because sooner or later, and whatever the outcome, you will be faced with them and how you handle them may be the difference between the success or failure of your relationship.
Would you move across the country or even around the world for love?
My own story
As everything in my life it happened very quickly, one day we were friends, the other we were going out, then moving in together and in the process graduating.
Well, to be real it took a while. We were neighbors for three years, but we never met. We just met on that last year and I’m completely convinced that if we had met earlier probably it would not have worked out. Instead we grew up on each own and ended up heading the same way on the same road.
I do believe in soul mates, but I also believe when people meet is very important, because, depending on where you are at in your life, you pursue and want different things. So, on that particular day, when we were both ready, we met and then everything was very quick.
After college, I was working already, and we had to decide if we would stay where we were, if we would move or if each one would go about their businesses for a while and have a long distance relationship.
I don’t believe in long distance relationships. I’m not saying all are doomed to failure, but at least it’s not for me, I need to look, to touch, to be.
So, the choices were actually just two, but then again it came up to one, because he just refused to stay where he was, because there was no sun, it was much too grey for him! And then you think: the choice is actually between sun and myself and he’s going with sun… Future didn’t seem promising or bright …
Well, actually I didn’t think that, I thought he wanted it all and there was no compromising there. He wanted us to move to where was sunny and peaceful.
To be fair it was nothing new, even before we started going out I was warned that once he graduated he wanted to return home, I just didn’t believe he actually meant it. But knowing him now, after all these years, it makes perfect sense, it was not just the sun, it was everything about it and he believed that it was the best choice for us, that we would have a better life here.
You see, we are very different, opposites even, though not all the way. We complement each other, our way of thinking, our knowledge, but at the same time we have the same values and we want the same things, because without that it just wouldn’t work. We wanted the same things in different places. And every time I looked at him I thought, here he is, my soul mate.
It all came down to this – If I believed in us? If I believed it could work? And I believed. I knew I loved him, I believed that he loved me (sun and all) and that we were meant to be.
Therefore, I moved across the country for love, left my home, my family, my friends, not quite sure where I was going, what I was going to do or to find. Cried all the way. It was December, it was raining like crazy when we left, freezing cold. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was doing the right thing. Then, at some point of our journey, the sun came out and it was really something, it was bright, it was sunny and the cold gone or it seemed like it. I got out of the car, took my jacket off and everything seemed bright, especially our future.
Here, we built a home and raised a family and I am certain now of where I am. And he was right; it was terribly grey up there. Sunlight is a blessing.
Twelve years past from that day, here we are, now married with two kids and still I cannot think of a better man to be at my side, so it was a good choice, believing in love, believing in us.
But it wasn’t all just peaches and a decision such as this raises issues in a relationship that wouldn’t exist otherwise. So, regardless of love, there are a few things that need to be considered.
Is love enough?
Considerations to be made
If you are leaving your home for a man or a woman there are a few things, which you need to know and to think about, before making your decision:
- Foreign land: Even in the same country, different areas imply different habits, cultures, foods, music, words. You will have to get used to all. You are bound not to like certain things. You will probably miss others you left behind, sometimes terribly. But you can’t complain about it much, after all it was (or it should have been) your decision, so the only person to blame is you;
- Family: Not only you will be away from your family, but you are stuck with someone else’s. At some point it will seem terribly unfair that you have to put up every other day with someone else’s relatives (like them or not), while you never get to see your family – again, your own fault – but it won’t seem fair anyway;
- Friends: Usually people say that once you start working friendships change, because it seems that there is always an hidden agenda. So, you leave your friends behind and it will be harder to make new ones, because you are working, because most people already have their group of friends and because you wonder if they are really interested in becoming friends or … The friends you left behind ,obviously, will go about their business, as they should, totally oblivious of your new reality;
- Visits: Life, work, money, children will probably not allow you to visit your family and friends as much as you would like. In the beginning you make a plan, you will visit them every three months, let’s say, but the fact is that after a while the three months turn to four, then to five… So, you must be prepared, maybe you won’t get to see them as much. Then there is another problem with visits, because you are so far away you’ll probably have to stay in someone else’s house or they have to stay with you if they visit and that’s all very fine, but the fact is that probably you just wished to have dinner with them or go to the beach and then each would go their separate ways, but because of distance there is no middle ground, you either see them too much or don’t see them at all;
- Kids: If you have children you will even miss your family more. You will realize that your children will have no bond to your family, that to the children your family will just be some foreign people they get to see twice a year for two or three days and that will probably make you sad. You won’t have family around to help out just in case you need something. Well, you do have family around, but it’s just not your own.
Well, basically there will always be some kind of nostalgia for what could have been or what you left behind. Can you live with that and don’t let it get in the way of your love? Because when things get rough, you may want to shout out what you did for him/her, what you are missing out, you may even think about blaming him/her.
The questions you must ask are: can I live with this? Is this love enough to make up for what I’m giving up? Because if it is, then it is worth it, even though you will still always miss what you left behind.
The fact is you can’t resent that person, especially because it was your choice. You can’t be bitter about it, bitterness destroys relationships. So, you can’t go down that road.
On the other side
There is another person involved, of course; what that person will do, how that person will behave makes all the difference in the world and that will tell you, also, how much that person loves you.
He or she must be willing to support you in every way, it’s not just you are moving, you are moving away for that person, otherwise you wouldn’t and that deserves a lot of love and respect.
In my case from the moment I decided, my husband held me and told me I wouldn’t regret it and I haven’t. He also made some silly promises he couldn’t keep, like we would visit my hometown every two weeks – how?
You see, apart from this moving away bit (really, there was no chance of compromise), he just doesn’t bear to see me unhappy, so he tries his best to do what he thinks makes me happy. And that makes a lot of difference. Obviously, sometimes he winds up promising or trying to do something very silly.
And that is another important bit, that person must want to make you happy and must believe he/she can.
Anyway, a decision such as this is about commitment, so you should talk. Talk about fears you both have, about what to expect, about what you believe.
Just do it
But then, after thinking, after talking, you must decide and the bottom-line is, if you love that other person and if you think it will be worth it, that what you will leave behind he/she will make up for and if the fact that you are together is the best thing in your life, well, stop thinking, just do it.
There is always a chance you can crash and burn, but then again it might be just the other way around.
Remember, if you go for it you will know, you will be sure, if it works out great, if it doesn’t… But you will know. If you don’t do it, you will always wonder, it will be that one thing, it will be that one guy… and that can turn you bitter, also.
Rocking your eyes on a rainbow
Dancing struck by your passion
Then the world slowly sinks into the crazy midnight heat
And Hell, that was me, falls asleep in your scent
And dives into a deep lake
To be found in a coral and live of a kiss...
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© Copyright Mar 29 2012 / Algarveview.hubpages.com. To use part or the whole article you must first get written permission from the author. Feel free, nonetheless, to use an intro of the hub with a link to the article here on hubpages for the rest of the article.
© 2012 Joana e Bruno