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- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
Mr Perfect Does Not Exist
Looking for Mr. Perfect
Many of us women are so sure we are not looking for Mr.Perfect but we are. Since we were little girls we would dream of our prince charming, making up these beautiful fairy tale stories in our head, watching way too many love stories like Cinderella, Rapunzel even Tarzan( my favorite movie still), and don't even get me started on romantic comedy. Over time it reflects on our relationships, our values, our emotions. How do you know when you've took it too far? How do you know if you appreciate your partner for who he is and who he's not? You may think men are suppose to behave or think a certain way that will make you feel loved and they don't. You may think controlling a man will help them see the bigger picture but no, it pushes them away. How high is too high when it comes down to your expectations for yourself when it comes to your relationships. Figuring out what is holding you back from true love by finding out realistically what you're not willing to tolerate from a man and also believe it or not, what you are willing to tolerate from a man, will set you free. Don't get in the way of your own happiness anymore. Ladies it's time to look deeper and make a plan, because I have to warn you. Mr. Perfect does not exist.
Before I got married I was a walking question mark with a broken heart. I have been single for one year and a half after a five year relationship break up ( the worst relationship I've been in and yet the longest relationship I've been in). I've tried going on dates and no one was ever good enough. I was even getting on my own nerves to see how unsatisfied I was with everyone I've dated. Either I didn't feel a connection with them, I wasn't attracted enough, they were too nice or were too conceited, were too good looking or too busy. There was always something wrong and I was lonely. Though I hated being single, I was never satisfied. One thing I did not do is date men in my neighborhood. I had one friend in my neighborhood an she introduces me to her co-worker one day when she spots him in our neighborhood. Never seen him again until new years eve. The funny thing about this story is on that particular new year's eve of 2012 I decided to stay home and have a quiet night with my mom and niece. I went to throw out the trash later on that night and I see my friends co-worker come out the elevator with his brother. Only then I realize he is my next door neighbor and he introduces me to his brother who is now my husband. I always said I wouldn't date anyone in my neighborhood because it's not the greatest place. Some may even call it the "hood." Who would've thought the love of my life was my neighbor. I lived there two years prior to meeting him and I never knew he existed. I kind of judged people in my neighborhood by choosing not to date anywhere near it, but in the end I was judging myself because I grew up in that neighborhood. I basically assumed I was the only decent person from the "hood," ran with it and I feel absolutely horrible about it, but it's the truth. My husband is proof that my judgments were full of it and we dated for a year, got married, had a baby and I'm praying it stays that way.The advise I decided to post here are the key points I've learned from my experiences. I hope what I've learned from my experiences will help you because I know how hard it is to find someone who will make you feel appreciated with unconditional love..
Negative vs. Positive
I want you to think of all of the good qualities from the people you've dated, your friends and/or anyone important to you. What about these qualities override some of their flaws. The reason for this exercise is to be aware of the positive in everyone you meet rather than focusing on the negative. Allow others to be comfortable being their selves around you and allow yourself to be yourself as well. How many men can you think of whom actually had potential to make you happy, but didn't even get a chance to prove he's worthy? Or maybe you've dated for a while and you scared him away because he wasn't doing everything right and he was tired of living up to your expectations? Put yourself in their position. Imagine always doing your best the only way you know how and someone is always pointing out your imperfections, making you feel insecure. I've been there and it did not feel good. You don't deserve that so have the courtesy not to do it to others. Out of this list think of the qualities you can't live without. Those are the qualities you want to allow in your love life.
Relationship Pet Peeves.
This will be a bit of an exercise that you can either write down or meditate on. Think about all of your pet peeves when it comes to dating or relationships. What are your deal breakers? For example, does not call everyday, does not have a job/career, always busy or always on his phone, too many female friends, whatever it is be truthful. Reevaluating yourself may give you some perspective. The purpose of this list is to clarify to yourself if some of these are really necessary. Sounds crazy? Remember we are being realistic. Just think for a second, how many friends, co-workers or anyone you know are literally flawless. Does this mean your friend is disloyal to you or that your co-worker is not a good employee? Same goes for any candidate you are considering being in a relationship with. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. Out of this list pick the top three most important non negotiable pet peeves. You are starting fresh which means. you do not get to judge or evaluate on those pet peeves you've crossed out. Take some risks. Everyone you meet will have flaws but to be honest, it is up to you to figure out what flaws you are able to deal with or/and if it's worth dealing with.
"I've been hurt too many times before."
Most of us can relate to this statement. It is exhausting to have to put those pieces to your heart back together every time someone comes along and carelessly destroys it all time after time again( not to make it corny but it's the best description for me). It is a waste and you're emotionally fragile and it can take forever to recuperate. Sometimes you even feel like giving up altogether. Give yourself time to heal and forgive, because when that person comes along and is ready to give you their all, you don't want to be an emotional wreck. You want to be ready, confident and secure. The only person who will best help you put those pieces back is yourself. Taking your past experiences out on someone else is not fair to that person and you will be cheating yourself from your person. Learning from your past experiences is one thing but not giving your future relationship a chance will ruin it before it even begins. If it doesn't ruin it, appreciate it because not many people are willing to do that and that is definitely a plus.
Do not give up. Evaluate your past and learn from them. Promise yourself you will be less judgmental and more accepting of others. Don't go out with someone with the mentality they might be Mr. Right. Instead try to have a good time and allow yourself to be vulnerable from time to time. My story is one from many different others and your story will be your own. Love will find you and you will know when it's not perfect but it's perfect for you. These few things has helped me and I hope it helps you as well. Of coarse you have to do the work and it all depends on how you decide to incorporate this advice.
Also if I missed anything or you have any advice to share or questions I would love to hear it. You might be helping someone. Was this advise helpful? Why or why not?