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My Boyfriend Is Communicating With His Ex Again

Updated on June 20, 2019
EvieSparkes profile image

Evie Sparkes is a published novelist, content writer and company director from the UK.

When He Is Openly Texting His Ex

You've been together for a while now. He says that he loves you and you believe him. You know he's into you and you have a great time together. You like all of the same TV shows and movies and you enjoy the same activities. You are perfect for him so why is he texting his ex?

He doesn't hide it from you. He tells you he is in contact with her again so why should you worry? There is no reason to be jealous but somehow you are. You wonder why he would bother with her at all as it ended badly. He told you that he was glad it came to an end and that you are way better for him than she ever was. Now every time his phone pings you wonder if it's her. You don't ask, but you wonder why he looks and then puts it into his back pocket.

You really, really want to ask if it was her but you don't want to come over all possessive and stalkery. You've been together a while but not quite long enough for that sort of conversation.

Should You Confront Him?

It depends on the sort of confrontation we are talking about here. What you definitely don't want to do is go at him all accusingly so that he gets defensive and shuts down. Men do that. They don't like having to explain themselves.

If it were me, then I would politely ask why he feels the need to be in contact with his ex. I'd tell him that it made me uncomfortable and wait for his reaction. He might well have no idea that you have an issue with him communicating with his ex. He may apologise and say that he'll stop if it makes you uncomfortable. Then again, he might tell you that he is perfectly within his rights to speak to whoever he chooses.

I'd say that if he really cares about you he would respect your concerns. Ask him how he would feel if you were in regular contact with your ex. Sometimes turning it around like that can make him see the error of his ways. I'm not saying that it is an error in judgement on his part. He may well have a close connection with her but have no romantic feelings in her direction.

When Your Boyfriend Has Been Secretly Texting His Ex

This is the most destructive kind of contact. You find out that he has been texting his ex only because his mate told you. Secrets in relationships are okay while they remain secret. As soon as they are discovered, they become and issue.

He is going to be at his most defensive now. You have found out and he will need to come up with a good reason why he hasn't told you about his contact with his ex. He may well have kept it from you because he knows you wouldn't be happy. He only likes her as a friend...

I think it's unlikely that is the case. If your man has been secretly texting another woman then he probably gets off on the secrecy of it. Perhaps he finds ordinary life a little boring. He wants something extra without actually becoming physical with his ex. Contact like this with an old flame is the easiest kind when you want a bit of excitement. You already know each other and you know all of the right things to say.

He loves you but he doesn't do real life. He's always on the look out for something else. His ex is an easy target.

How Should You React?

Telling you how you should or shouldn't react in this situation is futile. You will most probably be reactive and fly off the handle. That's not the most productive way to deal with it but I get it.

If you are a person that likes to take information in and properly digest it before taking action, then you are one of the lucky ones. Most of us wouldn't be able to do that. It's difficult not to behave emotionally when you are hurt.

Tell him that you know and see what he comes back with. To be honest, any kind of reasoning from him is probably going to fall on deaf ears.

Definitely ask him to stop. If it were me I would not want to see the texts or any other sort of communication. If I wanted to make it work, then that wouldn't help. If however, I was undecided then I might ask to see them. He'll say that he's deleted them all of course. They were of no consequence so why would he keep them? I'd suggest that if they really were of no consequence the opposite would be true. You don't generally delete a text as soon as you have read it unless it is suspect.

If He Won't Stop Move On

If you really are terribly unhappy with the contact between your boyfriend and his ex then it is reasonable to ask him to stop texting. Be happy for him to catch-up with her if he sees her out and about. Don't go over-the-top about it. Don't freak out if he likes her holiday snaps.

You are being completely reasonable expecting him to stop this extra communication. Jealousy doesn't even come into it. Respect does.

Comments

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      22 months ago from Chicago

      This is a very touchy subject with a lot of people.

      On the one hand people love to believe it is possible for (exes) to have a platonic relationship. One of the reasons why men and women have a difficult time being friends is because their partners and spouses generally do not approve of such friendships.

      The truth is very few people on this planet who have been in multiple relationships can honestly look you in the eye and tell you they have never spoken to an ex-lover in their life.

      Some people cultivate genuine friendships, some simply periodically stay in touch on birthdays or just to "check in", others playfully flirt with one another, and then there are those who actually do hookup.

      Odds are if your boyfriend is openly in touch with his ex and is doing anything to cause you to suspect he's cheating you need to be sure if you're not making a mountain out of molehill.

      It is hard enough to find a great person to have a relationship without looking for a reasons to pull a "powerplay" and force him to decide.

      Odds are you're simply going to force him to go underground with his activities especially if they have been friends for many years.

      In fact odds are if he's that honest with you there is a good chance you already knew he was friends with his ex before you committed to being in a relationship with him. Acting as if you're okay with someone having exes for friends and turning around giving an ultimatum {after they fall in love with you} is very manipulative.

      During the courtship phase is the time to discover if you share the same values. If maintaining friendships is a "deal breaker" then you shouldn't get involved with anyone who feels differently.

      It's the equivalent of hating the smell of cigarette smoke and choosing to date a smoker with the hidden agenda of trying to get them to quit.

      Very few people are walking around with one hand raised in the air screaming: "I'm looking for someone to change me!"

      Most people want to be loved and appreciated for who (they) are.

      Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

      The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.

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