- Gender and Relationships
Search for the Dark Winged Angel
The Search for the Dark Winged Angel
A Fairy's Tale
The Faery's Vision
Ever since I was a teenager, there was a Dark Winged Angel in my visions that always came to rescue me from closing my heart entirely to love. My Dark Winged Angel came into my vision when I was at the lowest points in my life, when I thought my heart would break in two; when I lost the will to search any longer ...well, I'll let the story here tell itself...
You never remember when the beginning was; you just know that compared to everyone else you seem guarded with your heart. Inside more cynical than the rest and afraid of falling too deeply, you may grow attached to someone but never really fall in love. You get caught up in feelings and then watch for the signs because you know once someone really gets a glimpse of all that you are inside - the illusion shatters for them. Somehow the "perfect love" they thought they had found begins to fade. Their fairytale romance wears off when you decide to open your heart and let them a little bit closer. I hid inside of a castle, keeping the most precious parts of me, the pain, the longing, the fear, my secrets - all inside - knowing that no one could love all of me unless it was true love. A classic beauty and the beast story - only I was both, all in one person, yet a gentle spirit on all accounts. I protected my heart with my life and soul. There would be only one who would really SEE me.
In my heart of hearts, there lives a man on this Earth who could gently fly into the center of my castle like a golden ray of sunshine and save me from myself.
In every vision, he holds me and wipes the tears from my eyes. It is more than a memory or a dream – I know this man. The setting may be like in a fantasy but I can see his eyes. We know each others thoughts. There is a longing in his eyes that only I understood…to be loved and needed. But most of all SEEN for all that he is, all he dreams of and everything his heart is capable of.
He sees in me the need to open up; yearning to love, needing to trust and wanting to touch him. I see in his dark brown eyes an endless love that would never break my faery’s heart. Yet I am still so frozen with fear.
I heard him speak to me in my vision, “Slowly. “ He said, “In our time, not theirs.”
He came to me often. To sit by the fire in winter and wrap the trees with ribbons in spring. My castle was like a hollow box, the outside walls ten feet thick with rooms and passageways - but the middle was an open garden full of trees and animals, lakes and fountains, rocks and caves. Stairways arched high overhead but nothing stood between us and the day or night sky. To watch the sun rise or set, we need only ascend the stairs to the towers for a beautiful view of the in-between times. We could view the valley and villages far below. He suggested that one day we should take a walk through the valley, maybe to the edge of the village and I could safely observe them from there. I smiled; he knew I was waiting for my wings to mend before I tried to fly again.
My Dark Winged Angel always made me feel so special and loved. I knew I was for him, the one and only angel of his dreams, but tending my broken wings. Afraid to go outside. Painting beautiful scenes from memory on the walls of my prison. Tending the gardens. Sleeping under the stars in the airy castle, my bed raised high from the floor by marble columns draped in silk scarves and ribbons in the center gardens so that I might feel as if I was sleeping in the trees.
A week had gone by and my Angel had not visited. I still felt him but it was more of a memory than a living breathing life force between us. Before, I had always been able to call to him with my mind from a half-dream state. I lay on my bed, called my handmaidens to my side, and tried to reach him with my mind. The room grew cold and I could sense that a fire had been started in the hearth. Lavender, Chamomile, Sage - all burning now in unison to settle the air that had begun to feel so empty. I could not feel his warmth, nor see his eyes to melt into that deep dark swirling brown. He did not hear my call. It echoed like the hammer on the side of a broken bell. Empty. Hollow.
My eyes opened in horror. I cannot go through another life without him by my side. I have to reach beyond and above what I think I can do in order to be with him. Somehow, I must mend my broken wings.
I went out to the circle where a few of the elders sat – the owl, the fox and an oak. I approached with the utmost respect with tears in my eyes. “Sirs,” I would have to do better than my shaky faery voice…”Elders”, I began, “My love has been absent from me and I need to mend my broken wings. Can you help?”
“Is it to fly to find him, profess your love and bring him back here, dear Erin?” asked the Wise Old Owl.
I stopped to think. “No, Sir,” I answered. “I think I want to fix my wing to fly and find him. But he already knows of my love for him and it is wrong to think that I should know what should happen next. I am not sure why he has not come back here. One cannot force another person’s fate. Who am I to presume it is fate that I should go out and retrieve him like a lost dog?”
The fox then asked, “Erin, do you think that if he sees that you have two beautiful wings, like the rest of the faeries – if he has become interested in another – that you might win him back when he sees that you are not only fixed but free as well?”
Again, I was forced to question my motives. “Fox, Sir, I know he loves me. If someone with two beautiful wings and freedom has won him from me, then his judgment and loyalty are in question. My judgment as well. For we share the same souls and are sworn to each other – love bound. I do not ask for these wings in vanity but for fear that his life is in danger and I may save him. Time is of the essence I fear!”
The Old Oak then spoke slowly, “Erin, do you not fear leaving these walls? We have helped keep you safe from all that may hurt you. You hold a precious but fragile faery heart and almost died protecting it! How will we keep you from harm if you leave here?!”
I was pleading now, “My dear Old Friend, this same fragile heart is also my strength! I have learned now that the greatest power I have is to love and love with my whole heart. With a love like that, will also come pain and disappointment - but the benefits far outweigh the risks. But before, I was too scared to love fully. So I was in great danger. Now, I love with faith, and hope knowing that my heart can’t be broken. Because I am living fully, loving fully and together we are embracing life. Everything and everyone we touch will be changed by that. “
They all smiled. The Owl spoke. “Erin, take time. Mend your wing.” I felt all of my blood just drain from my feet and I slouched into a hammock chair.
There was a knock on the castle door. Small and hollow, yet a knock.
Wait, this castle has no doors.
I looked to the fox. “Well, who is going to get the door?”
“The Chambermaid.” He answered.
“Hmm.” I replied.
And in he walked. WALKED. A man with a plane waiting outside, with dark wings. “Hello, Princess.” He laughed.
I was stunned. My heart was racing, birds singing in my ears, stomach doing flip flops, hands shaking under my thighs …yet I sat there. “Hi baby, I was just talking about you.”
I laughed. I got up once I got over the shock and threw my arms around him. “You feel so good. I missed you.”
He chuckled, “I told you I’d be right back. Now let me help you over the snow. It’s a gorgeous day and we should have great weather all the way to Atlanta. Did you see those three Cubs flying with the skis?”
I had. No, today wasn’t going to be routine. It never is. Flying again with the man and the plane with dark wings. He builds and flies aircraft. My pilot, who gave me wings when I thought mine were broken, and made me believe in love. He is nothing short of a miracle in my life.
The miracle was short-lived. As with most fairy tales that are rooted in rocky soil without magic and stardust, once the excitement wore off - and i began to believe I could trust him enough to let him in a little and found no compassion - no lasting love - he could no longer see me. I went back to the Owl and the Fox - holding my glass heart.
They held open the velvet box and the Fox said, "Its always safe here, Good thing it didn't really break. How did you know?"
"When it's right, I just know, I'll know. He won't hold anything back. This one was too guarded, and he thought of himself before me. Real love isn't like that. It can't work if we both put him first."
"Come rest in the garden." the Owl said. The Owl always knows.