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My Husband Doesn't Initiate Sex

Updated on January 30, 2013
My Husband Doesn't Initiate Sex. Photo reflects fictional illustration only.
My Husband Doesn't Initiate Sex. Photo reflects fictional illustration only. | Source

Why You Shouldn't Panic.

Many wives find that while they have a decent sex life with their spouses, their husbands don't initiate sex.

If this is the case with you, while you might fear the worst, don't panic. This is a common phenomenon amongst married couples.

Women's Fears

Commonly, women come to the worst conclusions when they find they always have to be the ones to approach sex with their spouses:

  • He doesn't love me.

  • He's having an affair.

  • He doesn't find me attractive anymore.

  • He's homosexual.

Common Reasons Men Don't Initiate Sex

Men often have experiences and fears that keep them from being the initiator.

  • Repeated rejection by women in romantic relationships. If your guy was told "no" too many times by women before he met you, he might have just come to the conclusion that women do not want to be hit on by him. So he waits for your cues.
  • Some men need to feel desired by a woman to get excited. There is a big ego boost for a man when his wife sexually comes on to him. It re-affirms his masculinity and virility. Without this motivation, some men won't bother to approach their wives for sex.
  • He might have gone too far as a teenager. Young men are sometimes accused of being too sexually aggressive towards their girlfriends. If they have ever unintentionally hurt a female emotionally in the past by sexual advances or actions, men might take this as a life-long lesson to always wait for a female to initiate sex, because they do not want to cause harm.
  • He is always busy. Men who are motivated to get a lot done during the day, both at work and at home, might put sex on the backburner until you happen to remind him about it.
  • It's just not part of his personality. Surprisingly sometimes very masculine men want their wives to do the initiating in the bedroom or they have a bit of shyness in them. If your husband is used to being in charge of most decisions in the home, this could be an area he just wants to lay back in.

So what can you do about it?

Communicate with Your Husband

  • Try asking him why he doesn't seem to initiate. It can be difficult to ask someone personal questions, even if it is your husband. But if you are concerned, just ask calmly and clearly. Do not offer your own reasons to him as to why you feel he doesn't initiate.
  • His answer might not make sense. Your husband might give you an answer that relates to the above points, but more than likely he will not. It is possible he will skirt around the issue. Men usually do not communicate feelings and also usually like to keep their macho exterior, especially with the woman in their life.
  • Explain how his lack of initiation makes you feel. Again calmly explain. It could make a difference in his future actions. He might just become more proactive having known your feelings.
  • Accept that he might not change. Your husband is most likely comfortable with the way your love life is already, and your willingness to initiate might just feel like the perfect fit to him. If he is a good husband, your being the initiator is not a bad price to pay.


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