Is My Relationship Over?
Should I Hold on to My Ex?
Is it time to let go of your ex and move on or should you still hold on? This is a question that a lot of recently single people ask themselves. When a relationship ends you may feel as though it is the end of the world and feel as if your life will never be the same. I know it is hard to imagine life without this person since they have been a constant for quite some time, and it may be one of the hardest things you ever had to deal with. Is it time for you to move on?
First off, there is always going to be a grieving period. Whether the relationship was a good one or not. We are creatures of habit and any change will feel awkward and unfamiliar. It will take time to get use to this person not being in your life anymore. So don’t worry if you are upset and crying all the time. It will pass. This is totally normal. You need to let your emotions out in order to start healing.
Can it be Worked Out?
Now a question you might be asking yourself. Do I hold on, or do I let go? The quick response is that even if the relationship is worth it and you feel it can be worked out, you have to let go, at least for now. If you don’t, any problems or issues that caused the breakup will not get resolved. Remember the saying “If you love something let it go, if it was meant to be it will come back to you.” Well it is true. In order for both people to heal and to get a straight head, you have to let it go. How is somebody supposed to realize what they had if you are still there? I have learned from personal experience that no matter what you say or do, there is nothing that will change the other person’s mind. You can pour your heart and soul out, almost to the point of begging, but that will only make it worse. Don’t do it. It does not mean the other person doesn’t care about you, it means that at this moment it’s not going to work. Then you might try compromising with the other person, saying that you will do this or you will do that and things will be better. It might work for a little while, but did anything really get resolved? Really, it might not be all about you. There might be things that both of you need to change or fix in order to have a healthy relationship again.
There is also a chance that the other person didn’t realize how much the relationship meant until you are no longer together. Sometimes it takes life experiences to realize that what you had was really good. No matter what the problems of the relationship were, unless you actually work to try to fix them, it will never work out in the end. So if you are planning on trying again, you have to be willing to change things about yourself.
There could be a chance that you and the other person feel totally different about the situation. Maybe you feel that the relationship was great, and that you would work to do your part in fixing it. But maybe the other person just doesn’t feel the same. This happens a lot. You cannot and will not ever be able to change what is in somebody’s heart. You can’t make a person love you. It is what it is. Like I said that no matter how much you beg and cry, it’s not going to change a thing. In this case, even if you don’t want to let go you have to. And if you really truly loved the other person, you will eventually let it go. If you really love someone you would want them to be happy and have a great life, whether it was with you or not.
Is it time to move on?
Do you feel you should hold on to your ex?
Is it Worth Fixing?
Now, here’s how you know if you should just let it go without even trying to fix things. But in order to know if this is the case, you cannot lie to yourself. You have to be as honest as you can in order to open your eyes to realize that the relationship isn’t worth holding on to. I know that at this moment it might feel like you can’t live without the other person, and you think that things will never get better but really think about the relationship. Grab a pen and paper and write the pros and the cons of the relationship. Sometimes it is easier to read them and realize the truth, because more than likely if you are only thinking about it, you are only thinking about the good and forgetting the bad. I know that there is bad in every relationship, this is natural, but if the cons outweigh the pros then its just time to move on.
- How did this person make you feel on a daily basis? Was it mostly laughing and playing, talking and communicating, or were you always feeling lonely and had to think about if the other person really loved you? If you had to think about it, then more than likely they really didn’t love you. Some people do have a hard time saying I love you, but if you were in a relationship with that kind of person, their action would speak louder than words.
- Did you trust them? (This gets tricky because sometimes you have total trust in a relationship until things start going downhill, your trust factor might change and you might change because you can feel things are not going right and you start freaking out.) I am not talking about that. Believe me, fear can make you crazy and make you feel and do things that you normally would not do. I am talking about for the majority of the relationship. Did you always worry about what the other person was doing? Where they were? If they were cheating?
- Could you express your emotions comfortably? Not only you, but also the other person. Could they talk to you? Did they talk to you? Did you feel totally comfortable with the other person, like you could be you at all times? Or did you feel like you had to tiptoe around them, because they may not approve of what you said or did? Was there more anger and fighting than there was happiness?
- Were you both willing to compromise on things or was it just you who were compromising? (Remember compromising is important, but you have to know that everything in a relationship can’t be compromised).
If you answered most of the questions on the con side, then the relationship is more than likely not going to work and it’s just time to move on and find someone else. Again, I am not talking about the end stage of a relationship. We all make mistakes and do crazy things when the person we love is slipping away. I am talking about during the majority of the relationship. (PS if this was normal the whole time, just move on NOW.) If the breakup is fairly recent you just might be feeling more scared and feeling rejection than actually feeling upset from the fact of losing this person. It can be really scary going out into the world feeling alone and rejected. But believe me, years from now you will look back and see a big difference in true love and “being content” love. There is a big difference.
Listening to Your Heart
You are going to listen to your heart, no matter what others tell you to do. It just always works that way. And you will learn your own life lessons, which will only make you stronger. But just stay strong in the mean time. You will figure it out and you will be ok. It might take a week, a month, or a year or two, but what is meant to be will be. Remember to take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy! If you don’t love yourself, nobody else can either.
© 2010 Jennifer Bates