ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Her niece is seeing a guy who keeps in touch with his ex's. Is that OK?

Updated on August 18, 2011

Marisa Wright asks:

My niece is seeing a guy who has kept in touch with all his exes. Is that OK?

I don't mean he just sends them a Xmas card - he's a wealthy guy who throws frequent barbecues, dinner parties etc. He has all his exes in his cellphone and they're all invited to these events, he gives them flowers on their birthdays and calls them to say hi. I'm concerned he's a collector - these women are notches on his belt. My niece wants to believe he's just a sweet guy who's very sociable. What do you think?

Veronica Answers.

The real issue here is the respect your niece and her boyfriend have for each other. It's easy for anyone on the outside to project in their own insecurities, control issues, jealousies, and experiences, and that's just not fair.

The only real reason your niece would have to be upset is if she's communicated to her partner that she is uncomfortable about this, and he's ignored her. Relationships take compromise and understanding, especially in the formative stages. Often in the beginning of a relationship people need a little extra reassurance and effort. As years pass that usually relaxes. For example she may be uncomfortable with this now and ask that he not send any ex's flowers anymore. Years from now, she may not feel the same insecurity and relax on that request.

I have ex's I'm friends with. My husband is fine with it. I'm not up to anything, and he trusts me. I've had good people in my life prior to being married and have been fortunate enough to have been able to maintain relationships with some of these people.

There's certainly the chance that your niece's man is a generous gentleman who has had good relationships with different people and has chosen to celebrate that. There's also a chance that he's a player, or that he likes the idea that his ex's are accessible to him. Maybe he feels guilty that these were good women that he just didn't feel romantically for. Maybe he's got issues with being disliked and has a need to know no ex's hate him. Maybe he's gay and overcompensating. Maybe the aliens told him to do it. Who the hell knows, one guess is as good as the next. And that's the point - we're guessing. All our speculation isn't going to actually answer anything.

The only thing that matters is how your niece feels about it. If it doesn't bother her, it shouldn't be bothering anybody else. And if I'm not mistaken Marisa, you're not saying your niece has any problems here. You're saying this is your concern.

But let's just say it does bother her. Ok, if it does, then just like any other issue that could come up in the partnership, she needs to communicate and he needs to respect her concerns. I'm not saying she should think she can control his friendships, but I am saying she should feel like she can tell him her feelings, and receive respect and communication from him. Again, a healthy relationship involves compromise and work. Asking him to only have his ex's over if she's around, and not to send flowers or anything quite so personal and romantic is really a fair request. And for her part, she could offer to work on being open to seeing ex's at the bbq's.

One last thought I will leave is that many of us define "ex" differently. Some people say any person they've ever gone out on even just one date with, is an ex. Some people say "ex" is reserved for former sex partners. Others only refer to "ex's" as the people they were truly in love with.

There may be an inference that he has "all these ex's." Meanwhile they are merely women that he may have taken out once or twice and that was it.

This article

was written for Hubpages. If you're reading it anyplace else, it's been stolen.

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are courtesy of Youtube.com

Comments

Submit a Comment

  • Gendarme profile image

    Gendarme 

    9 years ago from Jamaica

    As someone who has done extensive research on the topic, I daresay that in the contemporary period riddled with so many developments in social life, partners ought to be more particular about tying the knot. Parties must of necessity find out with whom they are falling in love. The question I would love to ask the aunt is, assuming that her niece knew her man from the start, doesnt she think the niece must have realized what she was getting into before she called him to the altar? From the sound of it, it doesn't appear that it is something he took up overnight, a man of his age!My take on marriage or a relationship of any sort is you get to know the person, the good and the vices. By the way, with today's economy, it might take more than just a few months or even a few years! Turning them over on a scale, you apply your tolerance level for each. If there is a vice that is sending off too much alarm, you just walk on by. If it's no problem for you, then go for it. It's unfair to know the person from the start and then continue nonetheless with the expectation to request or even command a change along the way. This happens too often in relationships, and that might be one reason the divorce rate has been on an upturn for so long. "If you loved me you would have done this, or that". Yes, those words might do some persuasion, but after a while the person will go back to being him/herself. Where a river runs once, it will run there again. It's only a matter of time.

  • mward1125 profile image

    mward1125 

    9 years ago from Arizona

    Nice job--good advice that I'm currently putting to personal use as well...

  • Carmen Borthwick profile image

    Carmen Borthwick 

    9 years ago from Maple Ridge, B.C.

    I don't know what age the niece in question is, but from what I've seen with my adult kids ranging from 19 to 36 is its completely acceptable and normal.

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    9 years ago from NY

    Oh, well. That's something totally different. If she's tried to talk, and he refuses to, that's a big problem no matter what the subject matter. If you can't communicate and compromise you can't go forward. She's gotta know that.

  • Marisa Wright profile image

    Kate Swanson 

    9 years ago from Sydney

    Thanks Veronica. My niece says she's OK with it but her body language when she mentions it says otherwise. Her boyfriend is quite a bit older than her (she's mid-30's, he's mid-50's) and his ex's ARE all former sexual partners - he's told her so.

    You are so right about communication - this is not the only aspect of the relationship that he just won't discuss with her.

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)