My struggles in finding my soul-mate
Growing up, i dreamed of getting married. I loved the idea of a woman in an angelic presence waiting for me to wed her. I wanted a woman who accepted me despite my flaws. I had dreams and ambitions of a beautiful marriage as a child. I fantasized about sharing a pure kiss with someone i deeply admired. Even if it only lasted a moment.
I told friends my secret crushes. Like other kids, i had plenty of them but i never did anything with them. I was too shy to socialize with others. I kept mostly to myself. One of the earliest crushes i had was with a cute girl in my third grade class. Although i didn't want to admit it, i secretly did. However the most powerful crush i had i'll never forget was in seventh grade. It all started when i was introduced to a new school. I felt insecure and an outcast. It was not until one day, i saw her and i was immediately taken in. She was one of the most beautiful teachers i ever saw. She had blue eyes with blonde highlights over her brunette hair. She looked very healthy and educated. I dreamed about her. I fantasized about embracing her in my arms. I dreamed of showing affection and marriage. I wanted to be loved. I wanted my fantasies to come to life. I would obsessively talk about her with my sister until she got so fed up on the same topic. One day, i went to a school meeting and she approached me. “You can put your stuff down if you want, you don't have to carry it all the time..” she spoke in the sweetest melody to my ear's content. My heart pounded as i was overwhelmed with such captivation to her beauty. I looked deep into her eyes as she jerked back then searched into mine. As if to see if i was a truly worthy mate. This brief encounter lasted seconds before she slowly pulled away from my gaze and walked away.
I was so smitten by her love that i wrote her a very encouraging letter. Surprisingly, she wrote back with kindness and support. My heart skipped a few beats as my breath was racing heavily. I was so excited and glad that she would even return such thoughts to someone who wasn't even her student. A few days later, my speech counselor confronted me about it. “I heard you wrote a nice letter to her, can you tell me more about it?” She said calmly. I was so shy and embarrassed that i despised her. My face was rushing red with blood and my speech was so sluggishly slow. Most people were oblivious to my crush but all the signals were there so she could clearly see i had a crush! Darn it! She figured it out! After around 30 minutes, i muttered the words “She....she...she just didn't look good...” then rushed out of that room. After that day, i'd occasionally see my crush every now and then. There was one moment while i was walking down the hallway sick to my stomach after watching a film on the Rwanda genocide. I saw her smiling at me as i looked back at her and returned a kind hearted smile. Whatever feelings i had vanished as her smile made my day. Slowly, she turned her back on me. That was the last time i ever saw her again.
Because my sister delivered the dreadful news: “Don't cry...but she's gone...” I was in total shock and speechless. I was in so much disbelief that i choked on my words. I asked “why?” I kept pressing on for answers. Answers on where she lived, why she left, where she went, and got only a few. I tried so hard to heed my sister's advice, but i locked myself in a room during the day and burst into tears. My mom and brother came in wondering what was wrong with me. I tried so hard to conceal it out of shame and embarrassment. Eventually the Truth came out.
I figured my counselor knew about the dead giveaway and warned her ahead of time before things escalated. For that, i cursed her from then on. She didn't seem to be fond of me either. After that, i fell into a great depression. Life was never the same again without her. I went on for days with this emptiness inside. I missed her so much and could have sworn by heaven that i saw her. It was only an illusion to my disappointment. I wanted nothing to do with school anymore. I tried so hard to fight the tears. I didn't believe i would ever see her again. This was a twisted turn of fate. I had lost someone so precious in a flash. Time seemed so short as if i had just begun living. There was no other choice but to move on and hope that there'd be something else to occupy my already bored mind. I hated school in general. Later that year, i had several girls develop crushes towards me. They planned to ask me out until other classmates told lies about me and my crushes quickly lost interest. Honestly i didn't care about finding a girl because there was only one woman in my mind worth keeping. I kept thinking about that teacher with endless thoughts and emotions. My mentors would tell me that this was only apart of the grieving process. It took so much energy to pull myself out of a great depression.
When i was in 8th grade, i thought i gave up on her but i didn't. I kept pursuing the same fantasies i invented years earlier. Maybe it was stubbornness and willful ignorance of life's reality or maybe it was strong will to find true love. Regardless, i wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to prove that i was still worthy of being her soul mate. I tracked her down and sure enough, i found her email address. I wrote to her a long letter hoping that she'd receive it. I hoped that she'd be delighted in hearing from me. I waited eagerly glued to my computer screen. There was not a moment where i did not feel my heart race and the air chilling. It was as if joy came back to my life again. As if there was a hope that we could be together by some miracle. I wanted to believe that there was still hope despite the distance between us. The distance in age and status. I kept waiting for a long time until i thought perhaps she didn't check her email. Perhaps she deleted my message by accident. I waited...and waited....and waited..there was no reply. Still hopeful, i wrote her another message expressing my love for her. I shared my deepest secrets and she never replied. I began to despair at all the silence. In one last attempt, i wrote her a letter expressing my deepest sorrow and despair.
I had heard that it was illegal for teachers to form relationships with students. I still had that determination to prove the critics wrong. I wanted to prove that teacher and student relationships could work out. My school day went on until my heart froze. The police officer was standing right outside my classroom door! The students were surprised as they gossiped and the teacher answered the door. I was called out and slowly stepped outside. My sister was also standing there. He pulled me somewhere private. I was done for. I was going to jail. He would list my crimes and before you know it, i'd be exiting the school in handcuffs as crowds would gather around watching me. To my surprise, he only rebuked me. However he was strict in his words as he told me that if i ever contacted her again, she'd press charges on me. I was shocked..more so that she would block contact with me. I realized now why she didn't respond. She was trying to protect herself and me from the law.
And again..i fell into another depression. Why? Why was this happening to me? Why couldn't we be together? I was still clinging to her for dear life after all these years. After so many years, i began to cry over her. My mom came in and asked “what's wrong?” In depression i told her the Truth. I expected some word of comfort but instead..she did nothing.
I was still the shy kid all the way through my academic life. I didn't really worry about the future. I didn't even know what i wanted to be yet. I was just trying to get by. I was a troubled soul looking for some peace and joy in life. I met a married woman in her 20's on a website for my personal support. We began talking and laughing. We shared some deep and personal info. She was so cheerful, supportive, and kind-hearted. Much later, i began developing feelings towards her. I had long hair just as her husband did. What did he have that i didn't? I talked to her trying to get closer emotionally. I'm pretty sure she knew i was hitting on her but kept at a distance. Nevertheless, she never withheld her kindness and friendly support.
After a while, i stopped pursuing her and cried. I cried because i felt so alone. I wanted sex so badly and felt the pain of not having intimacy with another person. I realized that marriage was only temporary until death. Whenever i looked at another couple show affection, i felt insecure and envious. Judging by the guy's reaction, i'm sure he was too when an attractive guy like me looked at his girlfriend. I had alot of girls with an air of attraction to me in public so why was i so introverted? Because i was weak inside. I could have had a girlfriend by now if only i loved myself but i let other people's words define me. I've been made fun of me for being single by friends and sibling alike. I was constantly told that i would be forever alone. I was made to feel worthless, unloved, and unwanted.
Entering high school 10th grade, a pretty young woman introduced me to her English class. She shook my hand and introduced herself as my teacher then reviewed the course with me. For the first few days, we didn't notice each other. However, the chance came for me to reveal myself during a class assignment. Students were asked to write down what the purpose of school was. I posted something interesting on the wall: “School was meant to teach you how to think.” She raised her eyebrows, circled it, and asked who wrote it. Confidently, i raised my hand as she asked for my name. From that day on, she acknowledged me as a unique student. Our relationship never went deeper until one day i stood up and briefly looked into her eyes. I was taller than her and gave off the impression of a protective guy. I struck up a conversation about coffee. There was a bit of affection because we knew what was in the air. I ignored it all. Day by day went on as we kept talking and laughing. We got more personal as time passed. During one class session, she reluctantly admitted she had a boyfriend. Somewhere inside, i knew that she took an interest in me despite being in a relationship. I was very disappointed and envious, but i accepted it. She shared special appreciation to me until one day, she was transferred. I asked her if i would see her again and she re-assured me. We hugged each other for the last time then i left.
We saw each other various times after that and we laughed. We had great times despite being former student and teacher after-school. During my lunch break, i'd talk to my friend about academics, music, life, and then she came up in the conversation. He knew i was fond of her although i kept it casual at best. However one day my friend told her “He talks about you alot during lunch break.” She turned a bit awkward and so did i. He then said “I think he likes you..” Nervously but interestingly i wanted to see her response. She nervously but playfully said “oh no, that would be inappropriate..” I said “he just doesn't know..” and after he left, she repeated the same words strangely. It's as if she was trying to hide the Truth i knew full well. We both liked each other but we pretended not to see it.
I wanted to confront her about my feelings. I felt she may have been waiting for me to express them to her. That day never came. Why should it? After all, we knew what would happen. I'd confess my love then she'd explain how it was improper for a teacher and student to interact in such a way. She would profusely apologize and probably cut me out of her life just like the teacher i liked in the past. Just like any other sensible teacher seeking to protect their own career. I could not allow that to happen ever again.
Then he showed up. Yes, her boyfriend walked through the door. They held a conversation and both stared my way in concern. He looked at me and i almost looked at him with a challenge over her. I knew somehow she talked to him about me behind my back. She probably shared her feelings for me to him in order to preserve the sanctity of their relationship. I could see it in their worried eyes, facial expressions, and whispers. I didn't blame her at all. I bowed my head in submission to what i could no longer deny. I'm not who she wanted. She wanted a man with a high level of education. Someone who could provide for her needs and wants. He was obviously the man for the job – not me. I was still a high school kid with no idea what he wanted in life. What could she possibly want with me?
Our relationship eventually crumbled. I felt inferior and distant. I stopped caring. I just wanted to end it all. Our last day of seeing each other was awkward until she muttered “i'm really gonna miss you..” With a sigh, i said “yea..i guess so..” I walked out the door and moved on with my life. Nevertheless i still cherished what was left of those memories. I never forgot the lessons she taught me.
Over the years, i changed into a different person. I became more social and confident. I guess i was tired of day dreaming about girls and decided to go out looking for one. My style of dress changed and so did my perspective on life. I became a wild type looking for fun and excitement. I tried flirting with women online speed dating with no success.
My work paid off in the end. Out of nowhere, i received a friend request over Google +. I was surprised to see it was a very beautiful girl as i talked to her. We talked about ourselves and who we were. We professed we were Christians. Soon enough, we became friends and exchanged much more information. We flirted unconsciously and i enjoyed the thrill of it all. I loved the idea of being taken by someone and having the goal of dating them in the future. I admitted to her since the very 1st day that i liked her. Might as well get it over with it as quickly as possible. Taken by surprise, she seemed to ignore it. Days went on with laughter and flirtatious friendship. I was the guy with all the right moves and smooth words. I was creative, original, smart, handsome, honest, kind-hearted, wise, compassionate, you name it. From the way she treated me, i felt i was on top of the world. I could get any woman i so choose. I felt special and desired. I was the one whom she wanted. Finally, she confessed that she liked me back. My heart was overtaken with joy and relief. I couldn't help but envision our future together.
This was probably the first time i ever found a Christian girl who was like my past crushes. She was sweet, loving, caring, funny, humble, kind, cheerful, and such. We kept spending as much time as we could with each other. I asked for her phone number and i called her. We had a great time laughing, sharing memories, and maybe deep feelings. However i slowly noticed a change in behavior. I saw myself as a player who was self entitled to women while she was prey. Maybe i've been listening to the wrong crowd. I didn't think much of it.
I was completely obsessed with her that she was all i could think of. In college, i did nothing but spend time with her and shunned everyone else. There was a bit of a sorrow in doing that. I pretended not to see because i had to reach my goal. Somehow i would ask her out and she'd say yes. Somehow it would work even if we were many miles away. Somehow i would marry her.
She showed me her music, career choice, college life, family, her phone, and social networking sites. I showed her almost everything about me. She lightly talked about marriage so i thought it was finally time to ask her out. I mustered up the courage to admit my feelings on how i felt about her and what i wanted in a relationship. She stayed silent for a long time until she said in a disappointed tone “I don't know what to say..except the feeling isn't the same anymore..” I was shocked and in disbelief. “What?!? What do you mean?!?” i exclaimed in my head but she explained further “Well i mean i got over you today..please don't be sad..” I sunk into depression. Don't be sad?!? How could i not be sad?!?
It took me a while to get over my crush after millions of questions ran through my head. Nevertheless, i just accepted for the moment she was my friend. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. I ignored her for a while as she grew increasingly worried. “How long are you going to ignore me?” she asked. I finally responded and slowly, we kept having conversations.
We got very personal and enjoyed the close bond we shared in the past, until finally she admitted she had a secret to tell me. “Ohh i think i know what it is ahaha!” I knew deep inside she liked me again. We laughed and joked about it. Finally she admitted it but also told me if it was meant to be, it would happen. I was still hopeful that my dream could be accomplished. My freedom came from spending life with the woman i loved.
As time went on, i suddenly heard a voice in my head say “She's the one.” It was a cold soft and humble whisper. I was shocked because this never happened with any of my past crushes. Was i hallucinating? Was this all a dream? Could the right one come this fast? No! No! It couldn't be. I was mistaken. Not like this. Not right now after all these years. I mean i don't even know what i wanted to do after college yet. How is it that my life partner come this fast? I wanted to tell her but i thought it was best to keep it a secret.
We slowly changed. We had conversations but it wasn't the same anymore. I was the one talking and she was the one listening. I thought i liked her but depression was creeping in again. I was insecure that she stopped liking me again. I was afraid that i was doing something wrong. I confessed to her that i was becoming more aggressive. She didn't seem bothered by it until i lashed out at her for not talking to me. Things went downhill after that. One day i heard she liked other guys and i kept being pressured. Suddenly, i asked her if it was true. She was scared to admit it but confessed it was about to end soon. I got angry in an instant and had a massive outburst.
I was done. I was done being played by someone who didn't make up their mind. I was done being made to feel inferior and laughed at. I was done being treated like someone's play thing. I was done being apart of the stereotype that the man is supposed to comply to the woman's wishes. I was done playing games. I lost control over all of my words and actions. I verbally attacked her with all my might. The attacks were pretty harsh as i landed blow after blow to her character. I ranted to others in such a wild anger that they questioned her about it.
Ever since then, i took my frustration and anger out on others. I took it all out on women, love, relationships, you name it. I never wanted to respect another woman in my life. The entire community was shocked as i kept attacking her indirectly. I wouldn't stop until she insulted me then blocked me.
I was completely shocked that she would do such a thing. Nevertheless i kept attacking her after that. I humiliated her very badly until she was forced to publicly confess what she did. She lost some friends because of it. I sank into a deep depression. I wanted her back desperately and slowly regretted my actions. When i realized what happened, i asked “what have i done?” I had sunk so low in my morals. I had made her life a living hell. I thought i would never love another woman again. I thought no woman would love someone like me. I felt so guilty for my actions. I wanted to commit suicide and perhaps i planned to until i realized it wasn't fair to my family. I tried so hard to change to little success. I wanted to prove to her that i could change. I had doubts in my mind about whether or not that voice was actually from heaven. Nevertheless it told me “She's going through a difficult time right now..” Strangely in all of my doubt, i somehow knew everything would be ok. Somewhere i knew that far away, i felt she didn't want to have any regrets. Months went by until she friended me again to my surprise.
We talked to each other and indeed, she told me the reason she friended me was because she felt guilty. It happened exactly as my feelings guided me. I was so surprised at how we changed. I never thought i had the power to forgive her for the past. I felt a changed man. After we celebrated our reunion, we talked as usual. We shared personal things and talked as if nothing ever happened. We kept talking like we were the best of friends for a while. However i kept getting this unsettling feeling. I kept feeling as if she was still flirting with me. She didn't have to admit it because i could already see it.
I pretended not to notice but eventually, these feelings built up inside me. I confessed them all to her. I asked her out. She was overtaken but she declined. I looked at her past and felt betrayed yet again. I thought i had forgiven her but the anger came back. I attacked her yet again as i brought up the past. She got upset once more and expressed her exasperation. She expressed her disinterest and exhaustion with our problems. After that, our relationship was never the same. She ceased to trust me. I became more clingy because i felt something terrible was going to happen. Like she was going to go with the wrong person. I was afraid that he would steal her virginity and it would lead to disaster. I felt after this the voice was guiding me towards her. I tried ignoring it. Maybe she was better off with another person. There was one other girl whom i never had a problem with. She was one of my best friends. She was everything i wanted in a girl: loving, caring, pure, kind hearted, sweet, and almost perfect. I thought of confessing my feelings for her. I thought that she would make the perfect girlfriend as she stood in my path. Before i could make a move – i stopped. It was too perfect. Why couldn't i make a move? Because i didn't believe that a relationship was this perfect. Because i chose to struggle with Abby than with her. I didn't care about what would happen, as long as we could resolve our problems together. I thought after i proved myself worthy, she was mine for the taking. I sent her letter after letter trying to court her.
To my absolute utter shock, she had a boyfriend. I couldn't think or speak. I couldn't react to anything. She told me that it was time for me to move on. I felt so angry that she would say it as if my feelings didn't matter. I became angry because she dictated how i was to act. I had yet another outburst because i wanted things to be under control. I insulted her more severely while pleading for her to block me. She tried defending herself. I was at a breaking point. I've spent so much time and energy while my life passed before my eyes. I missed so many chances to get a job and join with friends. I could not do that because i was too focused on my obsessive thoughts on her. Finally, she blocked me and this time for good.
I went into my room and roared as loud as i could, relieving myself of everything inside. I covered my hands as to avoid scaring the people outside my house. However it was so loud, it scared my sister almost to death from the other room. I made noises i never knew i could make. I roared like a wild beast mad with rage. I cried as if i had no hope. Years of my life, my energy, my time, and heart – over just one girl.
When i calmed down, i sat up feeling numb and depressed. Was i misguided? Was that voice wrong? Was this all an illusion? Was this the end? Was she going to marry him? How could this happen? Why? Why did this happen? How could i have been so blind? Questions like these raced through my head. Nevertheless i kept hearing that same voice say “She's the one..” as if to comfort me through it all. It was as if it was saying “everything's going to be ok, your struggles with doubt will eventually fade..just trust me..” I thought i was going crazy. How was she the right one?!? She already had a boyfriend! She cut me out of her life! She lost complete interest in me! She rejected me! She probably hated me. It's over!
Maybe the words of others were right – maybe i should just move on. I've wasted so much over one girl who wasn't even acknowledging my existence. No matter what i did, it just wasn't good enough. No amount of anger is going to change her life. Whatever she was going to do was out of my hands. I let one person take so much control over everything in my life that i just wanted a cure. I was so angry with myself. I was frustrated with everything that went wrong in my life. Since that day, i blamed it all on relationships. I never wanted another relationship again because i felt all women were the same. I became increasingly isolated and removed from people in general. I was depressed that i was still stuck on the same problem. Why was this happening?!? For what purpose?!? Why me?!? Was this all a cruel joke played by fate or God?!? Did he even listen to my pleas and prayers?!? What did he want from me?!? I felt so desperate and alone. I could not progress in life. I still had that anger and bitterness stored from years ago. This was supposed to end years ago! Why was it still happening now?!? I held all sorts of emotions inside.
Despite everything. Despite all of the anger, the fear, the pain, i still had hope. I had hope that somehow it was going to work out but i refused to admit it. I tried to destroy it because it was a lie. My friends told me that it was time to move on and i tried listening. I tried taking control of my life because never had any girl taken so much from me than this one. I thought of threatening her yet again. I wanted to destroy her reputation by exposing her online. I wanted her to suffer to show that i had control over my life. Deep down i couldn't do it because i was afraid. Yes, i was afraid of losing my blessing. I was afraid if by any small almost non-existent chance she was the one, i would lose it forever. I would lose all the valuable lessons i could've learned in our marriage. I would've never found such a stronger love than the one that could've been.
I used porn and perhaps tried looking for other girls in public. I met some whom had a certain chemistry to me. One in particular seemed fairly shy towards me but i made no moves. Though i saw some potential girls who seemed pretty flirtatious and friendly. Depressingly, i turned away. The pain and anger from the past haunted me. I didn't want the same thing to happen again. I simply turned away from relationships in general because i was scared that i'd lose the one girl in my mind..
As time grew on, i hated relationships. I was angry that every single girl i had feelings for in the past left me. They abandoned me. They played me for a fool. I kept holding onto bitterness, anger, sorrow, fear, and the like. It was as if i was spinning around in circles endlessly and i couldn't stop. No matter what went on, i couldn't consciously stop myself from liking her. I waited and waited for the right one to come but she never did. I've heard countless times “someday you will meet your one..” I laughed at how ridiculously stupid these ideas are. These polluted the minds of rational people seeking the Truth. Why should i keep waiting?!? For what?!? For someone to just magically arrive and change my life?!? Such a person doesn't exist!
Ok God! You can stop playing games now! I think i learned my lesson! I think i've suffered enough! If there's some grandeur scheme to this then make a believer out of me! Give me a sign! Give me some sort of faith, some hope that things would get better! I broke down in desperation and sadness because it felt like i had no answers. Some days i just wanted to take a gun and shoot myself in the head to end it all. Deep down, i knew the Truth but i didn't want to admit it.
Somewhere, i saw a vision as if from heaven show me that she was the right one for me. What?!? This is crazy! How could she be the right one?!? She lacked common sense! She was no different than those mindless women who don't think for themselves! She was ignorant! She was everything i did not want in a soul-mate! I despised her! Everything that happened did not go as i planned! I took everything i knew about love and trashed it all. I was so angry. No! This isn't real! She was never going to acknowledge me! I will never be good enough for her! We were never meant to be! I just ran away from the Truth. I wanted to escape reality. I never thought she would be the right one. I didn't want to know. I couldn't even believe it. She was ignorant, naive, weak, foolish, and immature but deep down, that's exactly why i loved her. That's why i wanted to protect her, but i can't. From the position i am now, i can do nothing for her.
At the same time, i despised her boyfriend. I thought he looked ugly and thought him to be very immature. It's been such a short time for them to be going out in my view and they're already engaged?!? It hasn't even been a year! I also found out they had sex and the pregnancy was unplanned. I was angry at her. She's never kissed or had sex with anyone because she claimed she found it hard to trust people. Now this guy comes along and she gives him everything?!? I was a fool to even think she knew what she wanted in life. I was a fool to even believe that she was remotely ready for a relationship. I should simply let her suffer with that baby alone. However deep down, i know i'm only jealous that it's not me she's going out with. Somewhere i knew that i needed to protect her.
In the end, i reflected on all my experiences on this very topic. I disrespected, humiliated, ridiculed, and hurt her when i didn't get my way. I used love, words, and actions to manipulate her to get what i wanted. In the end – it was all about me. It was about what i wanted and not what she wanted. No matter how loudly i roared in anger. No matter how hurtful i was to her, i realized that it was all in vain. It wasn't going to change how she lived her life. It surely wasn't going to make her love me. Why so much anger? Why so much hurt? Why so much pain? Why was i prolonging the inevitable? The man inside me gave me wisdom. “Her mistakes was her responsibility but yours is another matter entirely. What makes these men in relationships different? They take responsibility for their actions and give unconditionally. She doesn't need you. She needs a man who gives with gladness.”
Your right – she didn't need me. A woman like that needs a man not a boy who hasn't learned his place in the world. A boy wines and begs “why?” until he gets his way. A man is not self-entitled, but works to earn his privileges. Never send a boy to do a man's job. A woman needs a man with confidence, persistence, loyalty, leadership, morals, and strong will. She doesn't need a self loathing boy who weakens himself in depression comparing himself to others. She needed a man who felt good about himself. The sooner i could accept the truth, the sooner i could move on with my life.
Despite all of these raging emotions, despite all of these internal conflicts, despite everything that happened – I still held on tightly to hope. What kept me from reaching my future was my own insecurities, my anger, my selfishness, and my pride. If that wasn't for that, who knows where we'd be. I hoped that one day that voice would lead me to the right direction. Although i don't understand it, somewhere inside there is some peace and assurance. “She's the one” is a phrase i keep hearing as if it were telling me “don't give up no matter what!” I keep growing as an individual pursuing this one girl in my life. I keep pressing on for a better future in hope that one day i will marry her. There will be many struggles, doubts, anger, fear, sadness, tears, but also happiness and passion. Above all else in life – there will be a love that unites us as husband and wife. A love that unites a father and mother. At the end of everything – there will be love.