- Gender and Relationships
New Doors Can't Open 'Til Old Doors Close: End Your Affair With the Married Man
I received this comment form Rachel on my HUB: Affairs with Married Men:
Im feeling guilty to have an affair and this is why I'm reading all these comments. He's an attached guy with 3 children. I met him three years ago and I stopped seeing him for a year. I don't have anyone to love and it happens I have developed depression. Feeling worthless and lonely. I...see him again couple days ago. I'm beating myself up and crying.
It concerns me that you have feelings of depression.
Your comment describes a very isolated life. You said you have no one to love. This happens as a direct result of your choice to have an affair with someone else's husband. There are many reasons for this.
Your circle of friends becomes smaller. You can't talk about your affair, or your love, so you shut down. People don't tend to want to keep including you when you are purposefully someone that does not interact. Your depression, loneliness, and guilt become the basis of your personality. It's not hard to see why no one wants to be around that. Many dinner parties, New Years or Valentine's Day, and other celebratory events are often for couples: you're excluded from these either because you have to decline or because others not knowing your situation don't want to include you. The ones that do know, certainly don't want to include you.
Then there's the outings you miss because you're waiting at home alone, because he might call or come by.
Wedges are forced into all of your intimate and close friendships, because there is so much of you that you just lie about. Some you aren't honest with because you know they will judge you. But even the ones that are unconditional and don't judge pull away because it's very hard for anyone to watch someone they care about do something self destructive and stupid. It's hard to watch someone you love behave in a way that says they don't love or respect themselves.
You have changed over the course of this affair. You aren't the person people used to like or feel drawn to. The few things you said in your comment - that you feel guilty and depressed and have no one to love - frame that out completely.
No one who really loves you would do that to you.
Rachel, your married man gave you this space where you are isolated, lonely, depressed and guilty. You are responsible for yourself, and you are responsible for accepting that space and living in it. But please try to look at this logically and realistically: if he loved you, he wouldn't allow you to be so miserable. Even if he wasn't in love with you, if he were just any kind of a decent man at all, he would not allow his selfishness to ruin someone's life.
It is completely crystal clear to any rational thinking self-respecting human being, that he loves himself, not you.
I absolutely promise you, if the tables were turned, he would not be sitting at home alone waiting for you. I guarantee it.
Close this door.
Rachel, there is no reason in the world for you to continue feeling lonely, isolated, and having no one to love.
This is the good news here. You really fucked up and made a huge mistake. You lost years of time you will never get back. BUT you do not have to lose even another second. Not one more second!
New doors can't open until you've closed old ones. We attract like energy. When we are stagnant, so is life. When we are miserable, so is life. You have the ability and gift of changing all this. Close this door. End things right now with this man. Leave this behind.
Reconnect with friends. Feel better about yourself - and you can, because you will not be doing anything to feel so miserable and guilty over. Once you begin to convert your energy into something positive and attractive, you will draw positive and attractive people into your circle.
Have you lost or damaged any friendships or relationships over this guy? You will be surprised at how easy they are to repair. All it takes is a phone call, or even an email or text. Let them know - they were right. Let them know - thanks for caring. Let them know - it's OVER with the selfish married man and that you're taking your life back. Let them know - maybe you could use a little support. Offer to treat to a coffee or a drink. You will be surprised at how quickly your real friends will jump at the chance at being your friend again - The "you" that they loved so much in the first place, that they couldn't handle watching you throw your life away.
Every day, every one of us has the ability to turn it all around. to correct a mistake, to start again, to close a door so that new opportunities will find their way. Every day is another chance to explore something new, meet someone kind, and surround ourselves with positive influences. Every day is a fresh moment where any one of us can show the world, by example, that we are worthy of love.
Why is it so hard for people to break the patterns of self destruction? Why would a person allow themselves to be miserable and lonely?
This isn't an easy one to answer. From serious chemical imbalances in the brain, to PTSD, to damaging events from childhood, there are many situations that create the environment inside of a person that makes them believe they aren't worthy or any good.
Self destruction can manifest in all kinds of ways. Obvious ones like cutting or drug addiction, less obvious ones like putting yourself in a situation where you're lonely and miserable. To confuse the issue further, through embarrassment and guilt, people spin cover stories and make excuses. Sometimes they are so entrenched that they actually begin to believe their own excuses. The truth is hard to look at when you've worked so hard to keep your eyes closed for so long.
Rachel, the Hub you commented on, Affairs with Married Men, began with an email from a woman signing her name as "Lonely." You commented saying you have no one to love. Maybe you want to have kids some day, maybe you want to have an honest relationship and friends that can celebrate your life decisions with you, and maybe you want someone in your life who's a real man, not a selfish liar that would allow you to put yourself in this horrid lonely position. I'm hoping that although you said you were reading that Hub beating yourself up, that your real purpose in looking at it was to find a way to stop the crying.
Here's the way: Just stop. End it with him. ONE communication that says, "It's over, leave me alone, if I hear one word from you I will tell your wife, your boss, your kids and take out an add in the newspaper announcing it to the world. LEAVE ME ALONE."
Then move on. I swear it's that simple. Don't allow your guilt to take one more moment from your life. Your life can't change until you change. Make this one change and let your self esteem heal.