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Nicholas Cage: The King of Giving Dating Advice

Updated on December 11, 2015
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Andrea loves to write on the zodiac, Myers Briggs, and texting. She is an expert on romance and relationships. She also has two cats.

Would You Take Dating Advice from Nicholas Cage?

It started out friendly. First, I was getting a few emails here and there. I didn't know what to think of it at first. I figured it wasn't a big deal. Usually, I just laughed it off. But after months of it, I was starting to feel upset. It was like I was writing these entries in a mad rush to see if I could make a few extra dollars on Hubpages then something else happened. The story behind this profile: I was a poor woman right out of graduate school. I was working at a Japanese restaurant, as a white woman with no hint of Japanese on my tongue. I was trying to fit into a new world, learn a few Japanese dishes I didn't know, sometimes teaching English, and exploring Japan with open eyes and a warm heart -- but I was writing hubs in a mad storm to pay my dues.

One day, a light turned on in my brain. What if I wrote dating articles? I admittedly read millions of them for years off the Internet. Whether I had 90 boyfriends in the past or was more trained on circus acrobatics, the Internet would never know -- I could hide behind the anonymity (and the non-anonymity) of the Internet. So I found my niche. I started writing dating hubs with the intent that they'd go viral, and I'd hopefully start adding more money to the bank. Even greater -- I could use Hubpages to pay off my student debt. That was the dream. I nearly gave up writing on Hubpages. It's time consuming, and sometimes it's difficult to putter out enough sentences on a topic -- don't you want to know this list of DIY beauty tips that I've tried at home? Don't you want to know these things about cat cafes happening across the United States?

I don't think a lot of people really care -- or have a heart to heart conversation with someone writing for the Internet. Usually, it's opaque. Of course, at bigger outlets where you work in cubicles it's demanding, full of deadlines, and sexy people sipping on coffee while wearing amazing glasses (I assume, really.) I logged in one day, and in my earnings, I was getting more than a few cents. Suddenly, I was getting dollars.

It was one of the dating hubs that caught fire.

I immediately spent time trying to create similar hubs -- I knew I had caught onto something, but there was also that sting of wanting to keep my identity anonymous, because if for some reason I really caught it big (I mean, like on billboards and stuff) it might complicate things when I'm actually dating someone. Sure, we can say that my fictional boyfriend shouldn't care about what I to do to make money.

But I would want him to care. I hope he has dignity and thinks to some degree about my financial making methods and saving methods. (Okay, truth be told if I'm dating a guy the real writing I would what him to know would be my published works, not my cut and dry online pieces.)

But that's beside the point -- saying that a part of your life is composing dating hubs could be compromising to a budding relationship. So why bother with it? If it's something that needs to come up naturally, then it can. But with the advent of "Google this" and "Google that".... I'd really hate for them to think I'm only going out with them to get a fancy dinner to only turn around and write about it to an audience of thousands or millions (who knows.) So for the sanity of my personal life, I made the call that I shouldn't post pictures of myself on hubpages. And I had the brilliant idea to use a picture of Nicolas Cage, because of all the beautiful bald eagles of the world with their hobgoblin children, he is the symbol of the Millennial generation.

Wait, Nicolas Cage is the Symbol of the Millennial Generation?

Yeah, he totally is. Whether it's Raising Arizona or Face Off, he has become a cultural symbol for a generation that was told they could do anything in a euphoric Reading Rainbow childhood to crash and burn with the intensity of the 2008 recession -- which has continued to rock the housing market, stock market, wage gaps, and everything financial. We were the generation that had to look to innovation, to waiting on jobs, staying in college because the malleability and ease of the previous years wasn't available. How does Nicolas Cage resonate with this? Besides telling you to go watch a certain Nicolas Cage themed episode on Community -- it's because he's morphological, just like most Millennials are. The Cage isn't a perfect actor -- sometimes he strikes gold, sometimes he's in the Left Behind series, and other times he's so notorious that he is up there with Nickelback and bad Spiderman movies.

Side note: sometimes I'm not sure if I'm a Millennial or from Generation Z. I guess that means I shy away from Generation X and the beauty of Kurt Cobain's green cardigan with the missing button.

Nicolas Cage and his career is such a whirlwind that knowing patches of it for a conversation tends to bring a few giggles and lightning speed quips -- I mean, look there, this connects with that, and the EYE -- you know, National Treasure jokes, right?

Nick Cage is one of the gazillion pop culture shrines that you can go to with anybody and have a decent conversation. It's pretty well established in the media community that Nicolas Cage is an enigma. It doesn't matter whether you love him, hate him, or are neutral toward the actor. People pretty much like to talk about the Cage because he's a safe topic. You don't have to worry about offending someone when you talk about Cage's career. You might have to worry about what you say when talking about gun control, abortion, religion, politics, Ponzi schemes, or robots getting jobs. But with the Cage -- you know your opinions are safe. You know you can bond with someone over Cage because no one takes it too seriously. I mean, if you are a die hard fan people might enjoy the absurdity of what you have to say. He's in a number of movies, so it would take forever to watch all of them and analyze all of his nuances.

So with all this in the back of my mind, it was a no brainer to pick Nicolas Kim Coppola Cage as my Hubpages profile pic. For we Millennials are a sarcastic, cynical, and strong people. We are people who will persevere.


The Opposition

I never thought when I picked that picture I would get emails about it. I've gotten some comments here and there that thank me for the picture selection. I think many people on the Internet are just trolling around, being lazy, and looking for some quick answers when they have a spare minute or eight hours.

I don't think people think too critically about the profile pictures that are out there in the world, for instance I go to Myers Briggs forums all the time and the profile picture selections are a nice rainbow of atrocities. I never think too deeply about what the strangers there did in their reasoning to hire such a picture for profile employment. For them, I imagine they're not too interested in Internet branding as perhaps someone would a paying gig online. But on a similar note, my friend once got an Instagram account with a Pokemon name and everyone begged him to let go of his user name so they could use it to post Pokemon pictures for that name. I doubt she ever thought that single name would cause so much fuss. Eventually, she caved and gave up the name. Whether it was a real loss to the person or not I'll never know because it's definitely a strange thing to bring up in conversation.

"Hey, I noticed all these people wanting your profile name and that you gave it up. How does that make you feel?"

Wait, What's the Story Here?

Fortunately for me, I was getting selected to have my hubpages edited. I was one of their first guinea pigs, at least as far as I know. I enjoy what another set of eyes can do to a hub. It's a part of the brand's biggest work in progress, at least in my opinion. I hope I don't rub the people behind the fourth wall the wrong way. I know I have at least once, not with this hub, but in an email or two. I'd prefer we could all come together in a happy field and laugh about this and maybe pretend we're the cast of Donnie Darko. I'd give hugs to those who I thought did great jobs in editing. I'd pull some of them aside and say -- hey, we may have got off on the wrong foot, but let's put that behind us. Some of those first hubs I wrote (and continue to write) were not so great. So thank you. No, seriously. Thank you. I'd hope that this hub would bring peace, friendship, and some good laughs. That's the only real reason to ever go on this long about Nicolas Cage.

I'm proud of the editors who step in to help out. They bring in some extra elbow grease, and that's pretty cool.

For whatever reason, which is humorous, I get lots of emails from editors before they work on my hubs that I should change my profile picture. I assume there are meetings at Hubpages and they want to coach the team on what works, what doesn't, or what could make it even better based on a number of statistics, experts, and gurus. There's a consistent question they give me,

"Would you take dating advice from Nicolas Cage?"

Readers, I have done something in this squirrel-y life that I get emails about whether I would take dating advice from Nicolas Cage. I think they really want me to change my picture... perhaps to something that better represents dating, like a couple holding hands or a pretty woman staring aimlessly into an abyss with coffee in her weak wrist. Don't mock me. I have pictures of myself staring aimlessly into an abyss.

But I've decided that I need to trust my writing. I need to see past my writing insecurities. I need to open up myself more and show my unique voice on hubs, because whether this hub-beauty will be seen by 2 people, 5,000, or 7,000,000 -- you should use your writing prowess and do something original and not just hash out the same cheeseburger and French fries article. I'm hear to tell you that underneath all these words that I'm a stronger writer than I have been proving. I'm capable of writing you that gourmet dinner from Elysium, I just haven't because of the comfort of complacency. I know what things have certainly worked. The Internet is a guessing game. "To whose audience will dwell among these words is always an uncertainty," said Shakespeare... or someone.

So in the middle of this hub, I give you one of my most original pieces -- the reason for the Cage as a Dating Doctor.

Nicolas Cage's Romance History

So, let's get back to the question. Would I take dating advice from Nicolas Cage?

Before I answer that, I was once told the great thing about advice is you get to decide what you want to do with it. So therefore, I would take advice from Nicolas Cage -- but I would ponder on it and not necessarily agree with it.

Nicolas Cage is now in his fifties. He has been in a number of movies with a number of romantic scenes. He has had three wives. He's been married to his current one since 2004. Cage has also had two of his own children. The year I was born, Cage was dating actress Christina Fulton. Cage was married to his first wife Patricia Arquette for 6 years.

For his second marriage, he married Lisa Marie Presley. That is the daughter of famed musician, the reincarnated Orpheus, otherwise known as Elvis Presley. Lisa's track record also includes a marriage to Michael Jackson. You should sit on those words and think about that for a moment. A woman fathered by Elvis had a brief marriage with Michael Jackson and a brief marriage with Nicolas Cage. The lips of Jackson and Cage were only one degree away. The two were married for a handful of months then parted ways.

And at long last, Cage found Alice Kim, a native of Los Angeles. This is his current wife.

The man has decades of life experience. He's successful. He's been married, he's dated, and he's met a number of actresses. Don't we all wish we actually knew what he'd say if he had a dating advice column? Underneath the spazz, the hysterical laughs, and the shaggy hair, the Cage has a heart. He walks among us, working with people, raising kids, and wooing women. There's a soft caterpillar of emotions in his soul that could tantalize all our ears.

I Wish I Knew More: My Dream Interview

If I could sit down and ask Cage dating questions in an interview, what would they be? I think I'd want to know what was his greatest love; is it his current wife? I'm now wondering whether love gets him through life. Would he take love or money? Maybe Cage has favorite romance scenes from his movies that he replays in his mind as he softly goes to sleep on his freshly washed pillow. He was married to the daughter of one of the greatest love song writers in the world. Even if it was brief. Even if it was awful. There's so much more we should know about this man other than the things we usually get distracted by -- like why would you agree to be in such a terrible movie, etc., etc.

Cage, do you like long walks on the beach and holding hands?

What do you think is the ideal date?

Do you ever wish you had the romance lives of the characters you play?

What's the biggest thing you regret in romance?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

How old were you when you had your first kiss?

Do you consider yourself a love guru?

What is the single greatest thing you ever did in the name of love?

Nicolas Cage, The Lover Who Was Always There

So before you get angry that you never saw the Cage as a potential lover until your eyes graced this hub, know that all these dating hubs, articles, and entries are not here to make you feel down. It's entertainment to make you feel better, it's advice to give you the little push you need to get the guy's number, and it's the comment thread community you can look through to know whether others are out there that have the same thoughts and feelings that you do. Or you can read through those comments and wonder -- who are these people and why do they have such crummy, offensive thoughts?

Dating isn't meant to be a chore. I don't even really like to call it dating. You have a beautiful life before you, whether you'll be living in Arizona trying to kidnap a baby for your wife or you'll end up in a city of angels, you are priceless and one of a kind. So before you get envious of John Travolta's face, remember you have your own. And the world is your oyster.

Don't be afraid to puff out your chest and spend time with people you enjoy. Go find someone to indulge in a parade of kisses or stare with you into the adorable nectar of your television. A change of heart can happen for you, you are beautiful and you'll overcome whatever it is you're wanting in your romantic life. I mean, I had a change of heart for Justin Bieber. Have you heard his new album? I have admittedly thought that he was a twerp since the beginning, but now with "Purpose" my heart is all warm and fuzzy. So maybe when you suddenly have a change of heart for your co-worker, dance partner, or best friend you should enjoy it because who knows how long you'll get to relish in those special feelings. Don't be afraid to get outside and walk around your city. Get out of your phone. Put it away for awhile. Have a day where you don't use your phone or computer. It's time for you to get in touch with yourself without all the digital interface.

It's time for you to dream of vampire kisses and a honeymoon in Vegas. Don't be afraid to use Nicolas Cage as a spirit guide. I'm not even sure what that means! but remember -- he has put himself out there in the world of film in so many ways that if he is not enjoying himself in the chance to express himself, then he is even more of an enigma than I previously thought.

Maybe tonight when you lay your head down to rest, you'll daydream of Nicolas Cage. Maybe he'll treat you to a nice dinner, you'll dance on the moon, or you'll make chocolate cookies and laugh about how your grandkids are growing up way too fast. Let the romance happen in your mind. If you're feeling down, let your guard down and daydream all to yourself of the Cage and nothing else. You might be surprised by the genuine affection your fantasy Cage gives you. Let him be there in your heart on a rainy day, let him smile as you try to tell a joke where you forgot the punchline, and let him put your hair behind your ear.

If Disney princesses can be re-imagined with the Cage's face, how much more can your fantasies be re-imagined with the hysterical, choking on air laugh of him? Your life is too short not to be open to this. It might make you cringe, you might curl up into a ball and die laughing, or you may feel so creeped out and feel so far down at the pit of the Internet that you decide this is the last thing you read. But why not wander into a imaginative galaxy with an actor you never really considered... and may still be framing your mind around how you even stumbled into this hub. Did this hub find you on some lonesome night or did you have a feeling this was going to be worth a good laugh?

Final Thoughts, From the Cage

Is that sugar on your lips? Don't worry, I'll get that. Girl, I'm the Ryan Gosling you've always wanted. I'm the real Uncle Jessie. I'm also the missing button from Kurt Cobain's green cardigan. Girl, I think you're a really great woman. I love hearing what you have on your mind. How about I pick you up at 8? Your skin smells like lavender angels somersaulting in the wind. Girl, you wanna be my Valentine? My Valentine for life?

Do you wish Nicolas Cage had a love advice column?

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Final, Final Thoughts, From the Cage

Girl, it's alright if you just want to be friends. I don't just see you as an objectified utility. I don't mind getting to know you in a plutonic way. Pluto's one of my favorite philosophers. Do you like philosophy? I bet you do. You are smart, beautiful, and funny. Yeah, we can be the best of friends. And if later down the line you start to like me and I'm single, we can mingle. You just keep pursuing your dreams. You're going to get through grad school. I love you, girl.

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