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"Not a Man"

Updated on March 24, 2012
© Quill Collection
© Quill Collection

Welcome

Again I find myself at the keyboard and thinking much about life and the problems the world faces and the pain and suffering we see all over the news. It is sad to think people struggle to get along and need to take their anger to the level of physical and emotional abuse.

Welcome to the Fireside and may you find some peace here even in the words I write. A hard subject to broach and yet one which is all around us and one so often that is held quiet in the home. This is not my usual subject matter by any means but it is something that hurts us all indirectly so please forgive me if I step on a few toes.

I have placed out all the goodies so please help yourself and above all make yourself comfortable. Know this is a place of safety and love. Above all know that you are loved and appreciated.

© Quill Collection
© Quill Collection

You Might Ask

What does a dandelion gone to seed have to do with violence or abuse. I chose it to represent the fragility of those who who suffer at the hands of an aggressor. Both mentally and physically. Neither are acceptable and the aggressor needs to be exposed.

The greatest fear many women and children have is the shame that is attached to speaking out. What sadness I feel in my heart this night for all those who suffer. In the past several days I have heard of two cases involving women and children and their exploitation at the hands of these people who call themselves men.

What a sad and stupid world these men live in. The convoluted minds that roam our streets daily, working among us and pretending to be people they are not. Yet coming home at night and making unrealistic demands of their spouses and family.

© Quill Collection
© Quill Collection

Winding Road

Life is hard enough today but to add to it fear, doubt, anticipation and frustration to wives and little children all it does is compound the problem. Children who are raised in such a household will have long lasting effects they carry for many years to come. I spoke with a man a few weeks back that held his family at bay for years until he nearly lost everything including his wife and family. It was a turning point for him and he began the long slow process of getting help.

In society today there are many options for people who struggle in this area. The problems will never go away until you are willing to address them gentleman. Please get some help before you lose everything in life that means anything. My greatest concern is you will raise you children to do the same.

I have also over the years spoken with men that are abused emotionally but cutting remarks. On the news a few months ago a man charged with killing his wife. His only defence was he was no longer able to take it. A life could have been spared if some help would have been sought.




Help is available

I do not profess to be an expert on the subject. I have no degree or piece of paper to hang on the wall. I can tell you when you listen to a mother and her children weep over the pain and in many places nowhere to go it is a hard hitting fact. They are trapped and far too often choose to stay because it is all they have and know.

The best thing we can do is be supportive and help them find their way back into a safe society. If you know someone who is hurting on the inside please step forward and offer help and love and do what is needed to stop this.

Thank you all for listening to me vent but there is a better way than living in a revolving door of abuse. Verbal, Physical. Mental or emotional is not the way. Hugs to all who suffer.

For you the abuser there will be a day you will answer for your actions. Try stepping out of line in the outside world and see what happens. You be unpleasantly surprised and after need to deal with the consequences of your actions through the law. Stop lying to those who live at an arms length. Be open and honest and please get some help. I think the picture here depicts very well what you are leaving behind where ever you call home.


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    • Ardie profile image

      Sondra 5 years ago from Neverland

      Yes indeed, a very difficult subject to write about. But of course you do it justice with your calm, sensible approach and understanding. My hope is the same as yours, spare the children and show them something better. They deserve it.

    • profile image

      coffeesnob 5 years ago

      Well, said, friend. I sometimes think that If people only knew that their abusive actions were driven by such a hideous and evil being they would stop in their tracks and repent, but often evil is hidden by a false beauty; and you are right. One day it will be revealed and the consequences will be staggering. I pray that those reading this who have or are being abused will believe that there are people in this world who love and care for them, and most importantly that there is One who surpasses all forms of human love.

      God bless and keep you.

      Carol

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 5 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Morning Ardie... thanks for being the first to drop in and say hello. You are and early bird... hope you were able to find your way around and Quigley did not lick you half to death. She can get a little agressive at times, very friendly greeter.

      Children are our futures and they need all the love, care, attention and direction we can give them. Thank you for following along.

      Hugs from Canada

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 5 years ago from The Beautiful South

      I feel you are thinking of something in particular that has touched you but regardless of course you are right. Many of us do not realize how lucky we are to be able to just walk away from an abusive situation. Of course it will never end but bringing it out into the open will certainly be a help and hopefully one day a cure.

      Great write.

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 5 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Carol... I agree... love can and will conquer all and should we be able to help along the way that is even better.

      Hugs as Always

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 5 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Jackie... thanks for stopping by and saying hello... always great to have you sit at the Fireside and share your thoughts.

      I have never been on either side of the story but far to often have seen the devastation and the path of destruction it has left behind. The trauma has a lasting impression on everyone and it is so sad.

      Hugs from Canada

    • lifegate profile image

      William Kovacic 5 years ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      You're absolutely right. It can be devastating. My wife was abused as a child and to this day she carries the scars. Thanks for getting the word out.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Very thoughtful article Rolly. The most horrific statistics on abuse is the continuation of abuse as the children reach adulthood. I have seen this..Thank you for sharing..

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 5 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi lifegate... it is with us where the abuse can stop by showing love to the victim and the abuser as hard as what it is...

      Hugs to your dear wife, continue to love her as you do...

      Hugs

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 5 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi again Always and you are so right. The abuser is a great teacher as the child unless taken and guided and directed will most often do the same.

      Hugs from Canada

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

      I'm amazed with your writing style and voice. I will miss lots of beautiful hubs if I don't follow you.

      Cheers

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 5 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Vinaya... thanks for the wonderful comment and the encouragement. Great to have you at the Fireside.

      Hugs from Canada

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Hey Rolly - I think you handled a really tough subject with grace. It is tough to talk about but nothing gets solved if someone doesn't have the courage to speak up - kudos to you!

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 5 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi RealHousewife... so good to see you drop in as I know we are all busy... The subject is one that has grown more and more apparent over the years. Years ago it was kept in the home but today people are getting more help and that is a great thing to see happening. Women and children are to be protected at all costs and the offender needs to be dealt with to the fullest extend of the law and some the public is demanding now.

      Hugs from Canada

    • profile image

      Starmom41 4 years ago

      this is excellent. thank you for writing it.

    • Tracy711 profile image

      Tracy711 4 years ago

      Hello Rolly, beautiful writing as always and what a wonderful subject. I think it always comes out better when one man tells another. I suppose because they already have no honor for the woman or children in their lives as well as their own. I think it must be a terrible place to be. I once was hit by a boyfriend and I hate to think what I would have done to him if his friends were not there to pull me off of him. I am not a cruel person but I was always taught never to let a man hit you I guess I went a little crazy for a moment. Now I realize I should have called the police. Thank you for writing this it needed to be said and you say it so beautifully. God bless you and keep writing so we can all hear your loving voice :o) xoxo

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Tracy711... thank you for all the kind words and maybe had you taken out all your anger on the boyfriend at the time it may have changed his life. Any man that strikes a woman needs to give his head a shake and figure out what has made hime step beyond what is normal.

      Thanks for stopping by and it is great to see you again...

      Hugs from Canada

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 4 years ago from North Carolina

      Rolly, this is a very touching piece. You can feel your sorrow over this horrible problem weeping down the page. This breaks my heart as well. I wish all women felt empowered and never settled for this. Beautiful touching hub.

    • cclitgirl profile image

      Cynthia Calhoun 4 years ago from Western NC

      Rolly - your words are powerful. Far, far too often, this is a situation that happens. Your hub brings this issue to light and gives people hope. You have truly done a good deed. :) For all the women and children everywhere who find themselves in the impossible situation of love and abuse, my heart goes out to them.

    • Cathleena Beams profile image

      Cathleena Beams 4 years ago from Lascassas, Tennessee

      I'm glad you decided to tackle this difficult subject in your hub and that you challenge these men to get help. The sad thing about it is many times their victims feel helpless and unable to leave. They put up with the abuse they know because it is familiar and becomes their norm. There is a trauma bond addiction that seems to leave the victim powerless to help themselves in many instances and these men are sometimes so dangerous that it can be life threatening when a woman has had enough and finally builds up enough courage to leave her abuser.

    • tsmog profile image

      Tim Mitchell 4 years ago from Escondido, CA

      An interesting hub. A touchy subject. Well written and approaches with common sense. I liked the style reminding for but a moment of Teddy Roosevelt and his saying, "speak softly and carry a big stick." Then, the thought of Kevin Costner and the movie about teaching the 'young un's' how, what was it called the "Guardian?"

      Like you alluded the act of lifesaving is sometimes not waiting to hear the cry 'help,' but grabbing the buoy, jump into the water, and if by chance you were wrong, well you did your job. Who cares if they laugh . . .

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi CC... wonderful to see you again... There is a great difference in the words love and abuse. The abuse can take many forms, physical, psychological, mental and emotional. Not only does it effect the lady but it takes a toll on the children. Men need to wake up and realize what their struggle for power is doing and get some help...

      Hugs as always

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Tammy... thanks for stopping and leaving such a special comment. Today at least there are some options for laddies. With shelters and the law compared to the old days. I too wish all those who suffer would feel empowered enough to step away and seek counselling and some help.

      Hugs from Canada

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Cathleena Beams... first allow me to welcome you to the Fireside. It has become of place of rest for many and especially me. It has allowed me to write about such things and hopefully do so in a non threatening way.

      You are right... after a while it becomes the norm and there I think is a problem. The abuser gets stronger over time and is willing inflict a little more each time. He becomes a two headed coin in the home. One day as nice as can be and the next so different. Mix drugs or alcohol in and you have a ticking time bomb.

      Hugs from Canada

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Cathleena Beams... first welcome to the Fireside where I do hope you find some peace from this busy life we all seem to lead. I agree with you completely where this sort of behaviour after a time becomes the norm.

      The abuser grows stronger and over time bolder. It is a sad downhill slippery slope for the victim and the families involved.

      Hugs from Canada

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi tsmog... so very true... the warnings signs are there if people pay attention. The timid insecure spouse and children. The shouting and the anger of the suppose be man of the house. I think we all need to be aware of the obvious and reach out and help in love.

      Hugs from Canada

    • girishpuri profile image

      Girish puri 4 years ago from NCR , INDIA

      Very tough subject, but you handled it concisely, the fact remains, it is being done by disordered people, to whom society can't handle, at certain places we feel help less and accept the life as it comes to us, well written, voted up

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Morning girishpuri... welcome to the Fireside... great that you have found your way here and certainly feel at home here... This is a hard subject and after reading your poem "Who Cares" it rings so true to the way society has started to think. Unless we take the time to drop our own importance and loo at the need... those who are caught up in this situation will feel helpless.

      Hugs from Canada

    • Anjili profile image

      Anjili 4 years ago from planet earth, a humanoid

      Violence against women and children is unacceptable in normal realms of human existence. Cowards are those who dare raise their hands upon helpless beings. You do well to raise the alarm and a word of caution towards perpetrators. I hope they read this. Nice share. voted up

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Anjili... Welcome to the Fireside... I do hope you find peace here and pleased you found your way here... it is sad to think of the many who suffer through the senseless greed and the impersonal way they deal with lie. Such a waste of so many lives... such a waste.

      Hugs from Canada

    • CriticalMessage profile image

      Murphy 4 years ago from Chicagoland, Illinois

      Unfortunately 'Shame' is an awfully powerful emotion we are forced to manage.. And the results are not always pretty, or effective.. Thumbs Up on this Rolly, and thanks for sharing such thoughts!

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi CriticalMessage... so true and again I feel so for the victim and what they suffer. The perp on the other hand once confronted can be forced to live in the same shame they have inflicted upon others. Stay strong is what I say to the victim and they wil be a day when you can walk away in freedom.

      Hugs to all from Canada

    • CriticalMessage profile image

      Murphy 4 years ago from Chicagoland, Illinois

      I believe my Hub 'Guilty Victims' reflects a silent concern we have for all victims.. I feel for victims, rightfully.. Yet when they get hell bent on getting even by using their prescribed pity manipulations against society ?? Well that is becoming and all too common, and unfortunate condition too... Again Rolly, thanks for inspiring thoughts that inspire thoughts.

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image
      Author

      Rolly A Chabot 4 years ago from Alberta Canada

      THanks again CM and you are not alone...

      Rolly

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