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OK...I Get It—You're Not My Boyfriend! -Stephanie Bailey

Updated on November 18, 2013
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

You're a single gal now, and a member of a club called dating. When you finally meet a guy that you are attracted to, and can talk to, why does it have to become so complicated?

When you are dating, one of the most frustrating things is when a guy assumes that you are trying to put him in the boyfriend category, and he starts backing away—fast. Sorry, but when was that memo sent out and why didn't you also get a copy?

A man’s ego can be his deadliest weapon. If you give a compliment he gets uncomfortable thinking that you are getting too attached. You call him “sweetie" (something you call everyone) and you have soo crossed the lines of "just dating." You get excited about great things going on in his life or support his career decisions/dreams, and all of a sudden you want marriage and kids. You have sex with him for the first time, and all of a sudden he thinks that you will assume that he's your boyfriend. Seriously?!

The problem is when men assume that you are on the boyfriend track without asking, or think that you are lying—even though you have devulged that you aren't looking for anything serious—they end up putting a damper on the dating process.

Sometimes a guy works so hard to make it clear he is not trying to go down the relationship trail, he misses the opportunity to get to know you. Is it really that stressful to just stay in the moment, hang out and get to know each other? Unless you have directly had the conversation with him that you are looking/wanting to be in a serious committed relationship with him, how dare he assume, freak out and pull away. Just because you are happy spending time with him does not always mean you want a serious relationship.

One of my girlfriends recently went through the "I get it already, you’re not my boyfriend" situation. She was hanging out with a guy for several weeks who seemed to like spending time with her. He would text, call, plan dates and their sexual chemistry was off the charts (or so my girlfriend thought—chemistry like she described is usually felt by both people). So, what happened? He stopped contacting her. When she ending up bumping into him at a random event, he explained that he liked her, really liked her, but he wasn't looking to be her boyfriend.

Boyfriend?! This was shocking news to her since she never stated that she was in search of a boyfriend, or that he made the cut for that position in her life. Not only had she not been dating him that long—she was also dating other men.

Ladies, just because you want to get to know someone that you might potentially sleep with doesn't mean you want to have a lifelong commitment. And if you do sleep together—sex does not necessarily equal a relationship, especially if you have not had the "talk."

When a guy spends more time making it clear that he is unavailable for a relationship verses having fun in the moment, it takes the enjoyment and excitement out of dating. Dating should be fun and easy, especially in the beginning. Bottom line, when a man starts to board the freak out assumption train—letting his ego make his decisions, he’s not worth wasting your time and energy on. If this is happening with a man you are dating, it may be time to disembark and find a less complicated ride.

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      marketeconomy 3 years ago

      I dated a man once who would always want to know "why" I would want to know anything I asked. ("why do you want to know if I like football...I'm not you boyfriend", "why do you care if I like dogs.....I'm not your boyfriend", "why are you interested in my job......I'm not your boyfriend" - you get the picture) I had told him I was not interested in a serious relationship, but I do like to sleep with someone who interests me, and is not a total stranger! Not only that, but it is prudent to know basic facts when planning outings! Even "friends w/ benefits" know about each others lives. He did not believe it. He just thought I was looking for a husband. Luckily most men that I have met do not make this (outdated) assumption just because you are dating. (or are sleeping together)

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      marketeconomy 3 years ago

      Just wanted to add that sometimes we date a man that we are interested in a serious relationship or marriage with (because of ourselves, the man, or it is the right time for us), but we will let you know that this is what we are interested in. Then the man we are dating has the choice to continue to be with us knowing we are working for a long-term relationship, or let us know that is not what they are looking for......you know, communication:0)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      For a lot of men it's a case of "Dammed if you do or dammed if you don't". Too many times men are called "dogs" or "no good" for misleading a woman to believe he was serious about her. Some guys choose to get in front of the potential mess by laying it out on the line that they are NOT looking for a "serious monogamous relationship."

      On the one hand men are accused of not "communicating" or being "honest" and yet sometimes when they let a woman (know) where they stand they're accused of having oversized egos. Instead of trying to "guess" which women are "looking for a rooster" and which ones are just in it for (fun) some guys just lay it out on line with (all) women.

      Your friend could have easily told him not to worry because she's seeing other guys. However she (wanted him to assume) that she was not! She could have said, "I'm just with you for the sex there are no strings attached on my end." Odds are he would have continued to see her.

      In some ways you have to give him credit for being more honest with her than she was with him! So much of dating is a "guessing game". We try to apply what we learned in past relationships and experiences only to learn that the new person we're seeing is (different) or has different expectations.

      Note: Many women have been taught to (act) like they're not looking for husbands or to hide their relationship intentions and let the man come to them about becoming exclusive. Men are aware of this tactic as well. At the end of the day I say always appreciate honesty because it's so rare these days. If your friend was offended it's because her (ego) was deflated over the fact that he thought she was getting too serious. It's as if you were going to dump someone and they dumped you first. If she wasn't serious about this guy and was dealing with other guys then what he said should not have bothered her at all. Her feelings were (hurt) because she (cared) what he thought.

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      Tawni 3 years ago

      Perfect! Such great advice!

    • soconfident profile image

      Derrick Bennett 3 years ago

      I totally agree, guys can be like that, but in their defense some women do come on too strong.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Thank you all for reading!

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Thank you for reading marketeconomy---I total agree, just because you're getting to know someone doesn't mean that their looking for a husband. That's why communication is the key ;)

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Agree, agree, agree!!!

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Thanks for reading dashingscorpio. Dating is a "guessing game" however before a guy decides to check-out because he assumes something---maybe he should ask for. Communication comes from both people. Sometimes a woman also doesn't want to assume the guy is looking for a relationship so she say

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Thank you Tawni, and thank you for reading!

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 3 years ago from Denver

      Thank you for reading soconfident and I agree, there are someone women who do come on strong leaving a bad rap for the rest of us. :/

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