On Losing and Winning...

The sun has set and everything around her starts to darken. All she could see are reflections of her forgotten past. The silence of the night is deafening. The wind that slips through her window are freezing. And the sound of the raindrops is filled with resentments. The stillness of the night are too ear splitting that it awakens her lonely soul.

The emptiness inside her is deathnifying that she couldn’t resist the stabbing pain in her heart. No matter how much she wants to deny but the truth is her own identity has become a stranger to her. From the moment she welcomed love in her life, her domineering ego has betrayed her. Drowned her to ecstasy and left her astray.

The reason why she chose to work in Yemen is not her pride but her willingness to pull back herself so she can come back home. She has been away from herself for a long time. Her decisions in life were always wavering. She’s always dependent but easy to shake. Her faith in God is dependent on the events of her life. Her irresistible swinging attitudes are infuriating

Amidst the awareness of her own intolerable ambiguous mind, her egocentric self always interferes and wins. Although how much she has always wanted to change, she feels helpless when her ego intervenes.

Living in Yemen wasn't that easy. The transition stage was long and tiring. She met new friends from different places in the Philippines. She had to share stuffs with her housemates, a different life indeed.

Working in Yemen was more difficult than sharing rooms, dishes, house chores at the flat. For several times, she felt like a pet dragged from one area to the other. In a day, she works at ER, ICU, MW, FW, NICU, LDR and back to GYNE. She was the favourite pull out of the supervisor, except during Sis Svitlana's shift. Sometimes, she could hear the staffs whispering as she enters the ICU..(the sister has come, tell her to clean the buras of the patient..tsk) and after cleaning, the phone would ring coming from the supervisor's room shifting her to another ward because the staffs are too busy...too busy to clean another patient who just passed stool after taking lactulose. She was too good to complain… But this scenario changed after she was shifted to ER. As the scenario change, the love of her life was changing too.

The day he left, her world torn apart. It was unexpected. She believed in him. All she needed and wanted was only time. Time to rearrange her life and regain her relationship with him. But he closed his door. She kept knocking but he's no longer there.

Her only strength left her, her only voice abandoned her, her only eyes deceived her. He left her at the height of her broken heartedness. He closed his door at the peak of her shattered world. Her heart was filled with bitterness but she welcomed despair with joy.

It's time to open her eyes to reality and stop being whimsy. But the remote place always brings tears and sadness to her eyes. But then again God is so good that even if no matter how many times she refused to listen, God hold her by her hands and walk her towards the light. God never left her through the lonely times of her life.

God opened her heart to forgiveness. God implanted understanding in her mind and God healed her broken heart.

She has vowed to start being Godly. She has vowed to wait patiently for the right man. She has vowed to enjoy life.

Now that life is more beautiful. She learns to appreciate every little thing that comes along her way. She learns to be cheerful on each event of her life and she learns to recognize even the simplest blessing she has.

The night has deepened when the rain has stop and now the dawn is appearing. She has conquered the lonely part of her life. Though there are times when her lonely past still haunts her, no matter how heavy the burden is and how rough the road is, nothing could ever break her again for she has endured the greatest pain in her life and the sorrowful time of her life has led her back HOME.

The voice of her old friend keeps buzzing in her ears. She was an unwanted child. She knew it then from childhood that there was a hidden mystery behind her existence. She couldn't understand her heavy heart towards her mother.

She has an unexplainable hatred that is deeply rooted in her heart towards her mother. No matter how much she tries to deny her feelings, the hatred has been implanted from long before that no matter how much she tries to welcome her in her heart, it wouldn't open for her.

From the day she realized the truth behind her nativity, God showered understanding in her mind that in a blink of an eye, all her hatred was changed to forgiveness and understanding.

She has always wanted her freedom that she abused her liberty and destroyed the trust God has given her. It took her more than a year before she realized that the path she has chosen to walk through is a road that ends in darkness.

She wasted more of her time sitting idly and waiting for forgiveness than choosing to use God's gift and be productive. Her God given life was a waste.

Being in love has led her into trouble. Because of the dilemma she went through with love, she was hesitant to open her heart and trust again.

He came knocking at her door just when her heart has just healed from the pain her past has caused her, though there are still times that his memories bother her, she knows deep inside her heart that she no longer want him.

She met a total stranger. She refused to open her door, yet her heart melts at the sight of him. As the day passes by, she was more than willing to love again. Her door widely opened.

She gazes through the window still unsure of the decision she had just made. She's finally meeting him. She wanted to retract because the path lay before her is hazy. If only she can foresee things to free her from more trouble. If only things will work out the way she hope it to be. If only things are beyond her power to manipulate feelings. Of only she could please God more.

Thoughts kept wrestled in her mind. She wanted him. She wanted the vacation, she wanted the feeling of excitements that fills her heart but she hated the worries that kept stereotyping in her mind. For a moment, she couldn't define the kind of feeling that truly envelopes her. She's happy about the new love she finally found and unhappy of the troubles she will have to go through and confused why her doubts erase quickly and places her heart at ease.

Finally she has set herself into a hotel where she thinks she would be comfortable staying in as it is near to the airports and malls.

She wanted to move on but she needed to say goodbye to some people who became a part of her life so she set a lunch date with them. As she recounts and laid her stories, her eyes became teary. Oh, how much she wishes it was a year ago. She couldn't believe the truth she's facing now. She couldn't believe that such a beautiful love story has come to an end. She couldn't believe that he chose to give her up just when all their hardships have ended. She just couldn't believe that he turned his back on her and forgot all the promises he was sworn before God. He failed her.

All the while she thought she has moved on completely but she was caught unprepared of the unhealed pieces hidden inside her heart. Her eyes are weary and her heart are too tired… they needed to rest.

The day has come for her to meet him. As she stares at him, she tries to recall the picture that was saved in her mind. She was unsure of whom she was smiling at until he came close to her and smiled back.

She couldn’t remember the exact vows they have exchanged. All she ever wanted was to be with him. Her heart breaks over the distance between them. Indeed God loves her so much because He had heard her cry and put her misery to an end.

HER MIND FLASHED BACK.

She was losing her mind then; day and night she tried to find refuge towards God's words. But the wound was too deep to heal her broken heart. At last, she finally cried and knell before her knees surrendering everything before her God. She's giving up on her life. She's down to her last strength. Only miracles can save her from the torment she feels at that moment. At last she complain, My God, if there is someone out there that you created for me, let him come to me and take away my pain. But if in case, I am meant to be alone, please stay with me and take this pain away from me. Above all, not my will but thine be done….sobbing herself to sleep.

It was nearly the end of January when she felt a kiss from heaven. She was hesitant but God whispered to her ear and placed her heart into complete submission. She's in love again.

Love has found its way to her again. But this time, she wouldn't welcome failures; she has placed her growing relationship under God's care. She entrusted everything to God and waited patiently for God's perfect timing. But God loved them both so much that He moved mountains for them. She is caught in disbelief as she recalls the mystery behind the love they found from each other.

For many times, she wondered why there was not a single chance of having a second thought about him. God has perfectly engraved his name in her heart that all her hesitation and fears were swiftly erased. She couldn't explain how their heart speak well of their love for each other. It feels like God has given her the sweetest kiss from heaven that a union was made in just five months.

The time has come to face reality. Moving back to Yemen is not her choice but things are beyond her control. It was like a trade off from her past decision. There are times that each has to pay the consequences only after each has enjoyed the pleasure of choosing their arrogance than weighing right from wrong. For "one has to reap what he has sown in this world."

The gradual increase of coldness marks the start of winter season. Finally, December has come. It's time to kiss this year goodbye and stretch out her arms to welcome the coming New Year.

She was scheduled for vacation on the 28th of November but God moved mountains and made things possible for their love to come fulfilled. She came home earlier and flew to Singapore amidst predicaments. God has showered her so many kisses from heaven. With all the losing’s she had, its nothing compared to winnings she has now in her life now.

Whatever the pain she had been through in the past, God has swept it all away. Truly, God's love is so amazing if only we learn to listen and submit to His will and wait. How about you, Have you count your winnings?