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Once a cheater, always a cheater?
I read a hub that said;
“First of all, if your man is cheating, the last thing you want is to keep him around. Cheating is a pattern of behavior that won't stop no matter how many promises he makes or how many changes you make to keep his attention. If he has cheated on you, it's time to move on. Cheaters cheat... and cheat... and cheat.” ( http://hubpages.com/hub/Mistakes-Women-Make-When-Men-Cheat)
I’ve been cheated on. It was devastating--like being kicked in the gut and thrown into the gutter. I hardly functioned as a human during the day the first weeks after I found out. At night I was up all night watching old pictures, crying. The affair creates such heartache and pain that I did not wanted it to happen again. Definitely never again. But it was not the affair which made me feel the way I did. I felt torn, but I didn’t want to be with him anymore. Not because I thought he might cheat again if I stayed with him, just because all the lies he told me when I asked him. That’s why my trust was gone. I don’t believe that a cheater is always a cheater. It doesn’t always have to be that way.
Cheating seems to be very common, even partners who describe themselves as "happy" with their relationship have affairs. But Many people who are in relationships that have decent chemistry and benefits for both partners can actually work through the crisis of affairs. Not only that, they can become closer and put an end to cheating once and for all. This means that, "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is just not true. People can always change if they really want to, cheaters included. Forgiveness and a new coming together are possible. Whether or not a cheater can change is completely up to the person itself. Some people cope with down times in their relationships by seeking outside excitement. If cheating is a coping mechanism it will require therapy to address and overcome and some cheaters are just immature and grow out of the cheating urge.
There are people who learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane and the loss of closeness in the relationship that are the aftermaths of cheating. How can you tell if you are dealing with a “once a cheater always a cheater”?
Here are five signs that indicate your cheater is not a chronic case and that the relationship still has hope:
1. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated. Look for heartfelt apologies that ring true when you hear them.
2. Your partner cuts off contact with his or her lover.
3. The cheater shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you.
4. You wind up having deep, open and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, what was missing in it and where you'd like to take it in the future.
5. Your partner wants to enter psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to make your relationship better and more intimate.
If the cheater shows these signs and the relationship is good for you in many ways and you can handle with it, consider taking your partner back.
And just how do you know if the cheating is going on again? Here are some common signs:
• he/she's working late a lot
• he/she's suddenly taking trips you can't go on
• he/she's got new hobbies that don't include you
• mysterious phone calls with hang-ups
• credit card bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items
• less sex or the sex is different than before
• he/she's more distant, angry or picky
If somebody cheats on one partner it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will cheat on the next but unless they address the reasons why they cheated in the past there is a good chance it will happen again in a new relationship.
If you want to take a risk on a former cheater sit down and really talk about what happened in the past and look at the situation with unbiased eyes, and if you decide to go ahead with the relationship leave the cheating issue in the past. People do change but when their past bad behavior is used against them it is never good, you must give your relationship a clean slate if it is going to succeed. When it comes to entering into a relationship with an admitted cheater all you can do is examine the facts and trust your instincts and ask yourself if you want to take the risk.
Should you tell the truth when you’re cheating?
The only time the cheater should come clean about having cheated is if their partner asks about it. This could happen for a variety of reasons; the partner may have heard about the cheaters tryst through the rumor mill, feels like he or she is lied to, or just has read a hub about cheating and the signs of cheating somewhere on hubpages and it may be a hypothetical question he or she wants answered.
Whatever prompts the question the cheater absolutely must be truthful in the answer. Especially when the cheater doesn’t want out of the relationship with the partner and doesn’t want to cheat again. Trust has been betrayed and the only way to start the healing process is immediately begin telling the truth. Tell your partner the truth but keep the details to yourself. The partner doesn’t ever need a detailed mental movie of you cheating. All the partner needs to know is that it made you miss and appreciate what you had hope the partner can find it in his or her heart to forgive.