Once Upon-Line

For arguments sake and just for good measure, we’ll say it’s all fiction and all characters are made up, and or do not really exist. Nothing said is aimed at anyone, no one needs to take offense, merely take it for what it is-a joke. Feel free to laugh out loud, in fact, I hope you do, that’s precisely why I do it. My life may be pathetic and tragic and the punch line for many jokes. I was just as surprised as my children were when we saw Fran Dresher playing our lives in Happily Divorced. Only Fran did not capture the single life and or the dating world quite the way it really plays out. Oh sure, there are exceptions, there’s exceptions to every rule, but as I said, for arguments sake-this is all fictional.

On-line men, generally, if listed as separated, or ‘it’s complicated’ are involved with someone else and looking to hook up. If they lead with or begin by asking you questions about being a good kisser, being good in bed, or anything pertaining to or could possibly relate or lead to sex, that is all they are looking for-to hook up. I hear also that if he offers to buy coffee or drinks as opposed to taking you out for a meal or preparing a meal, they are not interested in anything more than a fling. This was just some of what I had warned my friend about when she told me she was meeting up with a guy she had met on-line.

“Just be sure to call me later so I know you’re okay,” I said, sounding a lot more like her mother than her friend. “Just keep the 'goods' on lock down, at least until you know this guy is legit. If he is rushing or seems in a hurry to take it to a physical level, I can’t help but be leery as to his real motives. Did he pop a ‘little pill’ before meeting you and is now under some sort of time restraint or schedule? I mean I see no problem making out if there is chemistry-but if he immediately jumps into that or presses the issue, shut it down. There is nothing sexy about a man with no ‘game.’ And by ‘game’ I mean, if a man cannot hold and keep your attention, in any other way, than by attempting to, or trying to convince you to, or persuade you to, sleep with him-how good can he be? If a man’s approach to getting you to have sex is rushed, hurried, or is all about cutting to the quick-chances are he is just as quick when it comes to the actual act. All fill-no skill.” I cracked a few more jokes, mostly to ease her tension. I had a sinking feeling I’d be hearing from her though in a few hours. I hoped I was completely wrong on all parts, but…when my phone rang at 1:30a.m. my stomach sank.

“His e-mails were sweet, and genuine, and he sounded so thoughtful, caring, and considerate. I really was hopeful.” She said trying to mask her disappointment. “He took me out for drinks.” “Uh oh,” I told her. She laughs, as she continued. “He was so sweet, at first, and everything seemed to be going well. Then he started asking me about getting a room or going back to my car. Then he asked me if I was a good kisser.”

“What did he expect you to say?” I said not trying to hide my sarcasm. “No. I’m a lousy kisser, and I’m even worse in bed. Still interested? I mean what kind of stupid question is that?”

We both started laughing as she continued to tell me about the ‘amazing man’ she met on-line. “So you were right,” she continued. “He kept buying me drinks and kept mentioning getting a room or going back to my place, and even my car.”

“What was wrong with his place and his car?” I asked. “Only two reason’s I can think of for why a man don’t want to bring you back to his home, one being he does not want to wake his wife and kids, mom and dad, grandma and grandpa… and or two, he does not have a place to bring you back to, because he lives in his car. Which to his credit, he was completely open and honest about, he did after all, say, he lived in a mobile home.”

She was laughing really hard now, so I knew she had not lost her sense of humor.

“Anyways,” she continued. “He seemed okay about me not wanting to sleep with him right away. Then I excused myself to go to the restroom to wash my hands, and when I came out, he was gone. He texted me: ‘don’t look for me. I left. I thought we were both looking for the same thing. I guess not.’

“So let me get this straight.” I interjected. “He said he was looking for a good woman, he wanted to be in a relationship with, someone to share his life with, claimed to be the whole package, seeking the whole package. But because you did not or would not ‘hook up’ with him, he went from being a package to a sack.”

“I texted him back”, she said. “And asked him that. He texted me back and asked me if I would pleasure him with some sex.”

“He asked you after he prematurely evacuated and actually thought you would?!” I said incredulously. “He did not bring you back to his car because he was dropped off and picked up by the ‘short bus.’ I mean seriously, it takes a special kind of stupid to think you can ditch a woman and think she would change her mind and sleep with you. I can’t believe you let that one get away.”

Again, we were both just getting a good laugh at his expense, which is what we girls are good at, when we get burned. It takes the sting out of the pain and humiliation we feel when we put ourselves out there, only to be disappointed.

“What should I say?” she asked me. “Or should I just ignore the text?”

“I would text him back” I said ‘I suspect I will get more pleasure out of this than you, when I say…go eff yourself.”

“I can’t do that,” She said coyly. “Can I?”

“Why the hell not?” I said. “He might feel stupid, but somehow I sense this is a familiar feeling for him, so he will feel nothing, and go on about his life as though the two of you had never met. The same thing he would have done if you had put out on the first night. The only difference is, you don’t have to live with the feelings of regret you would have felt for having slept with the loser.” We both laughed and cracked a few more jokes at his expense.

“Does this top my on-line experience?” I asked hopeful. “I realize a guy showing up with a bottle of liquor, two Styrofoam cups, ashy legs, and taking me to the seediest part of Hollywood to a pay by the hour flea bag motel is hard to top, but…”