Our Very .....very Best Friends

When looking back to the days of my childhood it seems my best friend and I were never apart . We struggle even today after over 40 years to pin point exactly how we met or exactly how old we were .We never really shared classes , we did however share the same schools in a very small town . Our graduating class was 300 or so students , our prom was at our High School . Small towns are nice , everyone knows you , you know everyone else , it's nice cozy any news travels fast and in the right circles .

I remember running home to talk on the phone ( before cordless and cell phones ) so I stood in my kitchen or sat on the counter , talking about both nothing and everything , no one and everyone , just talked .

Most of my memories involve her , we fought over boys , defended each other from anything or anyone . We argued didn't talk for years or was it only a year . Neither of us can recall why , not from lack of memory but because it must not have been that important anyway .

I had to move away during High School , when I was gone she had to move away too . I came back to my home town to graduate , she hadn't moved back home yet . We lost touch for 2 or 3 years .

I moved away again this time out of state , we lost touch she was going through many painful life altering events during that time , that we only now are sorting out , again over the phone because now we live states apart .....again . She would never have children it was a medical emergency I wasn't there for , it altered who she was , it made her both resentful of women who could and sad for not being able to have her own this was in her teens , she dealt with menopause from her teens . She lost her father suddenly as well .

I was her Maid of Honor at her first wedding , had I known she wanted to bolt from the church because she really didn't want to marry , I would have made that happen we would have been a blur . Come to find out ( years later ) her Uncle Charlie who had walked her down the isle tightened his grip so she wouldn't run back . We compared husbands , problems , pets , weather , affairs , happiness levels , tough times ,dreams , plans , divorces etc .....

When I was going through my divorce , pregnant with my little girl , she was my coach , she didn't want me alone . She joked and said she was sort of glad she couldn't go through childbirth as it looked realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly painful , but I knew she wanted a baby . She ran down to get me dinner after my daughter was born and laughed when I fell asleep without touching it . My daughter shares her middle name and is her God Mother too .

We lost touch again when we moved apart , she came to visit but it just isn't the same with so many around . We cried when she left for Missouri , I stayed in California . It was a quick move to help her father in law with medical issues . Yet again the distance spaced us we wrote , called occasionally but lost touch ,

A simple call from her brought us together yet again , her from MO me from CA , her mother had passed suddenly of breast cancer , again we picked up and sorted through lifes traumas , if only to just listen as she sorted through what lied ahead . We parted again vowing to keep better touch , try as we might its lifes harrowing events that bring us together . She was the first one I called when my daugthers father passed away suddenly , ironically my daughter made two calls one to her best friend , one to mine .

We are now 2 hours difference , she is ahead of me , 3 hours in the winter . My best friend called the other day , I was so glad to hear her voice I didn't really realize she was crying . She apologized for calling so late ( it wasn't late on my end ) . I assured her it was never too late for her and besides her time is later . My thoughts ran quickly , had she lost a pet , husband , relative or friend or a bad diagnosis maybe or was it her health . I took a stab at humor , asked her if she was crying over the time , she laughed through tears . The scene from Steele Magnolias came to mind .

She confided she had taken pills , many pills and that she couldn't live in pain anymore , she felt trapped , it felt dark , she really didn't want to live anymore and didn't want to be here at all . She wanted to join her Mother and be free of the pain , she missed her ... Her babies ( animals) would be alright her husband would care for them . No one loved her , no one needed or .....they wouldn't miss her in fact they would all be happier she was gone . She confided she was drinking too .

I luckily was not alone my partner was home with me , I wrote information down for her , she began researching suicide numbers just in case she wanted to reach out .

She admitted previous suicide attempts , she feared being taken away , feared being locked up , feared never being able to leave the hospital . That fear stood in the way of her calling any numbers for help . Actually I wasn't a big fan of anyone taking her to a hospital , I lived to far away to visit her . I was divided in my thoughts clearly divided .

I really listened to her that night , I had known about the other attempts and had been trying to come to terms with one being successful . I wanted her know how much she means to me before I won't be able to share it with her , wanted to remind her of how many love and care about her and of course re itterated those we hate . She lives outside of internet service so many of her family and friends forget to call or write to her after all most of us are online now . Most of all I listened to years of pain , I didn't offer solutions , just listened . We talked most of the night I finally had to let her go , she was slurring her speech and falling asleep . I made her promise to call me tomorrown , finally we decided she may not remember so I would call her . We said our good byes , we told each other how much we cared . I told her it wasn't fair to leave me here .

Exhausted , not sleeping very well , listening for the phone , hoping someone would take her into the hospital if needed . I sort of slept .I waited until afternoon , later her time , to call her . Still clearly divided but really hoping she did not succeed in ending her life that night . Feeling guilty for not calling to have her arrested or ambulanced . But I knew deep down inside , she wouldn't call if I were in her shoes , she would let me go because she wouldnt want to see me suffer living .

Her husband answered ( my pulse increased ) crazy thoughts raced through my mind , surely he wouldn't be home if she were in the hospital but then ......I heard her in the back ground , she had been waiting on my call all day long apparently she hadn't slept so much either , We talked about what she should do , how she felt , while I surfed the reprocutions of that many pain pills , began freaking out because some of the fatal results happen within 24 to 72 hours , followed by death . Again I felt divided we ended with if she felt worse she would go in . I doubted she would . So promised to call daily at least to myself , that way I was assured she was doing okay .

I promised myself I would send her support information with hot lines etc ...so she could reach out if needed . We talked on the third night about nothing and everything we filled each other in on all the information we both didn't know about the other , but most of all we laughed and laughed about our shared memories things that were not so funny then were really hilarious now , we laughed from 9 pm to 5 am and that is just how it was ....it was fun good times we felt like we were back in time, just children again ........

I then decided to get in touch with everyone online she knew , asked them to call her or write her reminded them she wasn't online and felt left out . Most called , one didn't but many did , she caught on to my plan early on but she loved hearing from everyone and actually I helped her research those she had lost contact with . Most still call her , she calls most , we aren't discussing her dying much now , its still there lurking we know its still in the background . She is my best friend after all , she sounds better from here .

I will probably send the support numbers but most of all I told her she could call me 24 hours , the support number cautioned me I dont need that pressure call the police . I swear her Mothers voice cautioned me to give her time ....she was watching over her .....

So one day at a time .....this is what she has ...today she feels good .

I still feel divided is quality of life suffering , can you see clearly through depression to know your suffering , could I live with the results after all she wouldn't be remembering , I would .