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The Pick Up Artist's Worst Enemy

Updated on November 9, 2007
Would you take advice from this doofus?
Would you take advice from this doofus?

My girlfriend Danielle's sister sent her a book for her birthday entitled How to Pick Up Girls! by Eric Weber. It's a gag gift that she sent along with a note saying, "I know you could probably write one yourself". We laughed and then tossed it aside. Then this morning while getting ready to start my day, I picked the book up and leafed through it. It was written in 1971 and although the preface startled me, I found other parts amusing. It was pretty funny. But as the book goes on, I realized what a screwed up culture our country had not thirty years past. Or maybe it's just this one particular screwy excuse for an author. Either way, it's disturbing to think that at some point in time there may have been men who read this book and actually followed and believed in it's advice. Reading this, it's easy to see where certain concepts surrounding rape (such as she-was-asking-for-it and she-was-dressed-like-she-wanted-it) originated. Below are some excerpts; I'm interested to know what people think of these concepts. Would you ever use these lines today? Have you ever used them in the past? Ladies, have you ever had the misfortune of these tactics being used on you? If so, did you throw up?

INTRODUCTION:

You're walking down the street and suddenly you spot a girl. Not just an ordinary girl, but THE girl--someone so absolutely sexy you actually find yourself running to catch up with her. You've just got to see more of her long lean legs. Her fine rounded breasts. Her high, firm behind. For an instant you even consider rape. For some strange reason, women just can't stand it if they think the only reason you're trying to pick them up is because you happen to find them pretty or pleasant looking.

THE COMPLIMENT:

Even if you're not bring sincere, a compliment can work wonders. Even if in your heart of hearts you know you're only slinging the bull.

BARS:

In the old days (by that I mean ten to fifteen years ago) it was scandalous for an unescorted chick to walk into a bar. You automatically assumed the worst. And half the time you were probably right. Not so today. There are special singles bars that are so crowded on the weekends you have to wait for hours to get in. But, then, waiting is often worth it. Because there are hundreds of unattached girls inside. Unattached girls just itching to find themselves a guy. Another added attraction is that most of the girls who get picked up in singles' bars don't waste any time getting into bed with you. In fact I've heard of scores of cases where absolute strangers were making love within an hour after first meeting. And you just can't do much better than that. So if you happen to be in one of these singles' bars some crowded Friday night, and you see a girl you dig, don't hesitate. Don't knock yourself out thinking up a witty approach. All you have to say is, "Hi, how ya doin'." Half the time the places are so incredibly crowded, the girl couldn't get away from you even if she wanted to.

MUSEUMS:

Wander around a museum some Saturday afternoon and you'll see dozens of single girls appreciating their little hearts out over all the beautiful paintings. You want to know something? Ninety-nine percent of those girls would give up paintings for the rest of their life if the right guy came by. They're dying to get picked up. That's why they came to the museum in the first place. I'm not saying they don't enjoy the paintings. I'm sure they do. I just think they'd enjoy the paintings a whole lot more with a little male companionship at their side. The best way to pick up a girl in a museum is to linger in front of a painting until the girl you've had your eye on happens to stop in front of the same painting. Then mumble something profound about the painting, half to yourself, half to the girl. Sort of as if you were so struck by the painting that you couldn't keep from expressing your emotion. You'll be amazed at how this turns on art-oriented chicks.

WATER:

Don't let [tanning beauties at the beach] go the waste. They want you to approach them. Why do you think they're wearing such incredibly stimulating outfits? Men often miss the significance of this. It's been said that women really dress for other women. That's bullcrap. It's YOU they spend hours in front of the mirror for. It's YOU they're lying around nine-tenths naked on the beach for. Take advantage. All you've got to do is plop down next to her and say something dumb.

PARKS:

What's so great about parks? They have a certain poetry about them. When girls get lonely or depressed they visit parks. Alone. They find a nice quiet place to sit down. And they sit there and wait. For some nice understanding man to come along to tell their problems to. If you ever see a girl sitting by herself on the grass in a park, you can be one hundred percent sure she's there to be picked up.

ON THE PROWL:

A friend of mine once picked up a fantastically cute girl on a bus simply because he took the trouble to sit next to her. There were other vacant seats but he figured why the hell not sit next to someone he really wanted to sit next to. And was he glad he did! Moments later a huge, horsey woman came lurching down the aisle and stepped smack on the cute girl's toe. She winced. My friend asked her if she was okay. She was delighted to get a little sympathy.

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    • livelonger profile image

      Jason Menayan 

      11 years ago from San Francisco

      This is great! Remember the woman who said you'd attract more men/women if you doused yourself with synthetic pheromones? Dr Winnifred Cutler & her Athena perfume: http://www.zug.com/pranks/aphrodisiac/

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