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Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships

Updated on October 29, 2012

Intimate relationships leave us all emotionally vulnerable. There is a big difference, however, between the normal anxiety over meeting someone new and the nagging sense of insecurity that follows some throughout their relationship. Emotional insecurity can lead to self sabotaging behaviors that can actually work to end a relationship you really want to improve.

Regardless of how attractive, smart, or talented you may be there will be times when you just feel insecure. This is true for us all. It is when you allow these insecurities to control your behavior that a problem often occurs. This is particularly true during intimate relationships when emotional insecurities can seem to take on a life of their own. Insecurity in relationships can be stressful on both partners and highly damaging to the relationship.

Signs of Insecurity

In a relationship, signs of insecurity can include:

  • Checking your partner’s cell phone, text messages, or chat logs.
  • Checking credit card or bank statements
  • Keeping tabs on your partner’s comings and goings
  • Calling to make sure they are where they are supposed to be
  • Asking others to confirm your partner’s whereabouts
  • Setting unreasonable rules for your partner (for example, demanding that they call you five times per day)
  • Following your partner without their knowledge
  • Calling back numbers you find and are not familiar with
  • Monitoring your partners internet history or usage

These are only a few behaviors that may mean you have an issue with insecurity in your relationship. The feelings that generally drive such behavior are unpleasant and do not foster the loving and trusting relationship most of us hope to have one day. Instead, these emotions can make every day a nightmare for both you and your partner.

Overcoming Insecurity

As hard as it may seem, overcoming insecurity is possible. As much as you feel like you must engage in the above self sabotaging behaviors, the simple truth is that you don’t. Here are some tips to get you started on the road to overcoming insecurity in your relationship.

  1. Openly admit that you are insecure to yourself as well as your partner. This will give you both an understanding of why you do the things you do. It doesn’t make your actions okay but it may go a long way to providing you with some tolerance until you get the problem under control.
  2. Focus on reality. People often become insecure due to past rejections and overactive imaginations. Don’t allow your insecurities to get the best of you. If you are imagining that your lover is showing interest in others ask yourself if this is really rooted in reality or just your imagination.
  3. Allow nature to take its course. There is a natural order to everything and relationships are no exception. Don’t try to force things to move too fast. Instead, allow things to unfold naturally over time. For example, many who struggle with insecurity will force a relationship to the next level out of fear that their partners will leave them. This does not benefit anyone. Instead, truly get to know your partner and allow thing to progress in their own time.
  4. Stop the snooping. Relationship insecurity has a way of turning people into sneaky, super detectives. This is a behavior you need to resist. It will only serve to get that imagination of your revving, even if nothing funny is going on. Don’t snoop in your lover’s things. You could be setting yourself up for some unnecessary stress.
  5. Avoid drawing conclusions. Many times our vivid imaginations will take what we hear and see and fill in any the gaps for us. This can be a dangerous habit to have. Instead of relying on conclusions and assumptions, why not just ask your partner about whatever is bothering you? This is a much better approach than trying to figure out what is happening or trying to predict your lovers emotions.
  6. Stop comparing this relationship to past relationships. If you have been burned in the past that does not mean you will be burned this time. It is easy to generalize about people and relationships, but the truth is we are all different. Your ex and your current have nothing to do with each other. Don’t make your new love pay for your old loves mistakes.
  7. Concentrate on the positive. Instead of dwelling on your feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, guide your energies toward the positive aspects of your relationship. Free your mind from worry by thinking about the good experiences and good memories the two of you are building together. Don’t question why your partner is in a relationship with you. Instead, remember why you chose them. Staying on the positive side of things is a much better way of overcoming insecurity.
  8. Lastly, work on yourself. The best way to overcome relationship insecurity is to gain more confidence in yourself and in your relationship. Take care of yourself and find things about you that you can feel good about. Love yourself a little more every day and it will become easier to see why someone else would love you too.


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    • LQWILLIams profile image

      LQWILLIams 5 years ago

      Thank you for reading

    • LQWILLIams profile image

      LQWILLIams 5 years ago

      Thank you for reading.

    • Kate Mc Bride profile image

      Kate McBride 5 years ago from Donegal Ireland

      The tips for overcoming insecurity in this hub are practical and make good common sense. Voted up and useful.

    • soconfident profile image

      Derrick Bennett 5 years ago

      Outstanding hub, I like number 6 and 8; never compare your past with your current and you need to work on improving yourself to build confidence. Thanks

    • abbykorinnelee profile image

      Abigayle Malchow 5 years ago from Ripon Wisconsin

      I have noticed after my experience with verbal abuse in a relationship and watching other's in their relationships that the insecurity comes slowly and by the time they noticed it there isn't a way to pinpoint why the feel this way and are actually insecure due to an abusive partner and they don't see it. When its happened to you once and you move on to another relationship, that insecurity is still there. Plus, dashing is right, cheating plays a role, and so does arguing and bringing up past problems or using their vulnerabilites against them.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      I believe it is very rare that the (average person) becomes "insecure" (out of the blue). In fact the leading reason someone suspects their mate is cheating is because their mate's "behavior" has (changed).

      A person that is insecure essentially believes they love their mate (more) than he or she loves them. You have to search your soul to determine if there is "just cause" for you to feel uneasy. This is especially true if you're bringing in (past relationship experiences) into your current relationship. If that is not the case my rule of thumb is (Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself). If it doesn't feel right to you then it's probably not right for you.

      Ultimately if you are unhappy with your mate's behavior it doesn't matter whether are cheating or not. Someone that is "in love" with you will look to reassure you (within reason). One thing is for certain, a cheater is more likely to belittle a person for having doubts. This often leads people to want to feed their ego by "proving" their mate is cheating and that they themselves are not "crazy". Once again I say if you're unhappy and something does not feel right, save yourself some time and move on. One man's opinion! :-)