- Gender and Relationships»
Part Two: Why Black Women Are Not Marriageable
Part Two: Why Black Women Are Not Marriageable
What does it mean to be agreeable?
Agreeableness is a learned quality. No one really wants to compromise, not even on little things. But when it comes to marriage whose success requires the couple to reach an understanding, having a spirit of agreeableness is the only way for it to really work.
A spirit of agreeableness opens you up to other possibilities. Agreeableness is not the same as letting someone walk over you, or not being able to voice your opinion. When you have a spirit of agreeableness you approach each situation with your spouse with the mindset that you want the outcome to be as close to win/win, as possible for the both of you.
Many black women have it in their mind that they know what is right for those they come in contact with, especially their husbands. Often men are bombarded with demands, expectations, and requests that are out of line. Some men try to fulfill the needs of these women, some try to reason, some leave. No matter what the case, the relationship usually ends. It ends because an understanding was not reachable. Marriage cannot survive in a real way without the couple learning to agree with each other, or at least agreeing to disagree.
Picking your battles!
Choosing what to fight about can help you on your journey towards becoming more agreeable. Guess what? You really don’t have to fight about every little thing. There is a level of pettiness that enters into relationships when there is a lack of an agreement. The marriage and how it is run is usually a free-for-all, the wife doing her thing, and the husband doing his. For some couples, this works, but for the majority of us, it doesn’t.
When we were first married, my husband and I disagreed a lot. I couldn’t understand why he thought the way he did and I felt like I needed to at least understand his process. Sometimes his explanations were way out there and I just rejected him completely. I could not allow him to have his own thought process. Somehow, I felt like since I loved him, he should be more like me. He should at least think the way I do after all he wants to be with me.
Well, the best thing that ever happened to me was learning to let him have his thoughts and the way he figures out the world. I stopped demanding he think the way I do and do what I think he should do. He still has a problem with this when it comes to me, but you know what, since I have developed a spirit of agreeableness, I no longer get mad when I can tell he is trying to control me. Instead, I listen, then choose whether I want to address whatever he said that didn’t sit well with me, then I say what I need to say, or perform whatever action I feel is necessary.
Recognize your communication style differences
I can tell you without even knowing you that the man in your life, or the one you may have had in your life, is not like you. He doesn’t think like you, he wasn’t raised like you, but most importantly his maleness is a sure sign he does not communicate the way you do. Black women’s lack of agreeability makes it even harder for them to recognize the fact that men are cut from a different cloth. They are not meant to be us. They are meant for us to discover.
You cannot discover if you already know everything. This is where the biggest problems lie. Women thinking they know everything. I have found the less educated a woman is, or the more she has monetarily, she is likely to be more disagreeable.
Stephanie Booth wrote an article published on MSN in the Lifestyle section 2/4/10, they’re Golden: Together for 50+ Years and Still In Love. She interviewed Betty and Louis Chernoff. Louis is quoted as saying, “Our clocks click exactly the same. Whenever Betty wants to something, I want to do it, too.”
That’s how it has to be if you want to stay together. All that bantering and the little fights might seem fun in the beginning, but after a while they get old. You just want to get along. You just want some peace. A disagreeable soul is NEVER at peace. They are most often upset about this, that or the other for whatever reason.
Some things our men do are just things males do. If you and your friends are complaining about the exact same things, you should take a step back and realize it has to be a male thing, because other than being male, all men are not alike.
Do What You Need to Do For Yourself
Most often these women are stressed out to the max. They are not doing what they need to do for themselves. They have all these expectations for others, but will tend to let themselves slide when it comes to doing what they need to do for themselves. These women cannot be held accountable. They often refuse to look at themselves in situations they often create. These women are unmarriageable.