Loved Ones with Toxic Behaviors
Faking Ignorance about the Issues
"I don't know what you are talking about? He doesn't treat me like that. Maybe you are reading too much into the situation. You know sometimes how you can be." the loved one says who never seems to see anything wrong with toxic family members, bad workers and others up to no good.
Those people no longer blinded by Lying Larry, Willy Worry, Harry Hustler, Pam Player, and others in the family, on the job, at the church or elsewhere, will not bother to involve themselves in their dramas even though Good Samaritan types would want them to be. People, who care too much for others, often take on far too many burdens that sooner or later they simply can't handle and unfortunately burn out as a result. They really want Lying Larry to be truthful this time. They try not to believe Willy Worry's excuses and will just help him out anyway although they might lose sleep listening to him sometimes. They break down and give money to another one of Harry Hustler's business investments. They soften when Pam Player is abused and used again for messing around with yet another unavailable man and will encourage her to keep dating, "There is someone out there for you," the loved one says.
When these enablers that just love to be helpful while they honestly believe they will get blessed one day for their efforts are approached with truth, some will play ignorant. Acting as if they do't know or understand why no one is coming to a troubled relative or co-workers rescue. These naïve types do a disservice when they repeatedly help those who should be helping themselves or seeking professional assistance. Sharing money, service and time are not going to do much for toxic people. People with their share of mental, physical and spiritual challenges need more than just another hand-out. Some troubled individuals already know this, but avoid any professional help because of any number of reasons. Why bother with recommended assistance anyway, when they know that good-hearted gullible people will bail them out of their troubles every time?
These pretenders typically know what is going on but refuse to see the bad in people's situations, because they have their own share of demons. They are quick to say, "Don't judge...How would you feel if you didn't have any help and no one cared about you? We mustn't ignore our relatives. Let's be there for them." Yet, toxic people are like alley cats they will only keep coming around as long as you feed them.
Looking the other way on difficult people's wrongs, pretending that there are no issues with them, and avoiding the elephant in the room will not solve problems. Instead, the family secret, the workplace drama, and other problematic issues must be exposed and solutions will need to be discussed. If there is no meeting of the minds, it is always best to move on. Arguing, throwing money at a situation, or listening to one's problems until you are blue in the face will not solve anything. Challenging people with issues will need to be willing to get the help they need and when they refuse it, one must establish boundaries and don't keep feeding their sicknesses. Check out more family related issues here.
What Do They Want From You Now?
You Worry Too Much
When I first heard this come out of the mouth of a self-proclaimed prophet, I was taken aback. "You worry too much." The way this man said it, I almost wanted to cry, but didn't. I thought to myself, "He's right." It was then that a light bulb went off. If I was going to survive at my new job at that time, I was going to have to stop worrying about the people, their actions, my home life, and more.
Do you tend to worry often? Do you find yourself far too concerned about what others are thinking, saying and doing? If you do, you are not alone, a quick surf around the Internet and you will see many comments coming from strangers who care far more for entertainers than they do their own families. They express their viewpoints about things as if they are worried that something bad might happen, that somehow their lives would change if a favorite celebrity was to drop off this earth, and get angry and defend people who could care less about them.
When you really take a look at every challenge posed to you as well as those you imagine, there isn't anything to worry about. There will be an outcome whether good or bad. The key is to turn your worry into power. You obtain strength to endure whatever the circumstance through knowledge. You prepare for a potential battle (it doesn't have to be one, but just in case) like a military sergeant and train those who might be fighting alongside of you. Most of the time what we worry about ends up being nothing like what we thought it might turn out to be anyway.
The great Messiah, Jesus, enlisted the help of men, flawed mortals, to help him, as shown in the Holy Bible. He took the time to educate them about his plans, permitted them to go through adversity to teach them perseverance and other life lessons, and prepared them for their work. If one is busy with tasks to help self and others, he or she has little energy to focus on things that might worry them. The Christian is instructed to give his or her burdens over to His Lord. It is a great relief to be able to go about life not being too concerned about what ifs.
Redirecting my focus when I couldn't handle some people's issues at my workplace is what helped me. I believe that healthy distractions will help some of you who think that worrying is being productive. Think of ways to get your mind off some things that bother you much? What could you do to relieve some worry? During some stressful moments, I thought of how I could make my workplace environment better even when it was out of my hands to do, how I could help one person at a time rather than see them as one large group, and I looked for nuggets of wisdom from others. With positive distractions, I was able to find solutions to problems I would have otherwise worried about.
Living or Working with Toxic People
How do you cope when dealing with a difficult person?
4 Types of Difficult People
How Do You Know Someone is Really Toxic?
Sometimes we can jump to conclusions with some people and assume they are like other difficult people we know. When this happens, we tend to be guarded and don't value or appreciate those who are not toxic. Sure, they might have some unflattering traits about them, but they are decent people who want a simple life and some quality friendships. We can easily misconstrue their intentions when they come into our lives because we have been negatively impacted by far too many people with bad behaviors. So what are some of those traits in toxic people we should be looking out for and does the person have many issues? If the individual only has one or several, that doesn't mean he or she is no good for us, we will just have to determine whether those one or several are traits we can handle.
1. Often talks about self, personal opinion about things, but cares little about what you say.
2. Little issues are fussed over, small accomplishments are to be celebrated. When you don't react to one and the other, somehow you are not liked much and he or she no longer wants you coming around him or her.
3. Very demanding and must have control over everything. You feel like you are a slave when in his or her presence.
4. The individual is very selfish. He or she is quite focused on all things related to self.
5. There are things said and done that are destructive. This person might steal from you (ideas, material goods and other things) and he or she might be quite emotionally and physically draining to be around.
6. You can't reason with this person especially when he or she is angry.
7. No matter what you say, he or she insists on doing things his or her way.
8. You can't depend on this person.
9. The individual thinks he or she is better than most people.
10. When there is conflict, he or she doesn't see his or her faults. Sometimes people like this encourage fighting.
Think of other things that the negative person might do that makes you feel like you should be going low or no contact with this person.
Toxic People: How to End a Bad Relationship
10 Personality Disorders
Cluster A - Odd
Cluster B - Dramatic
Cluster C - Anxious
Helpful Resources - Personality Test, Causes of Personality Disorders
- NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness | NAMI: The National Alliance on Mental Illness
Information and resources from NAMI, the Nation's Voice on Mental Illness
- New Choices | Why Doesn't She Just Leave?
New Choices provides hope, safety and opportunity to victims of domestic violence, family abuse, interpersonal violence, relationship violence.
- ColorQuiz.com - The free five minute personality test!
ColorQuiz is a free five minute personality test based on decades of research by color psychologists around the world. There are no complicated questions to answer, you simply choose colors with a click of the mouse!
- Psych Central Personality Test
- What causes personality disorders?
Genetics, trauma, verbal abuse and sensitivity to light or noise can cause obsessive-compulsive disorder, narcissism and others.
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© 2015 Nicholl McGuire