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Possessiveness in marriage! Is it needed or unneeded?

Updated on April 22, 2014

‘’Be the love of your love, not the slave of your love.” –Amit Kalantri

Do you feel that your spouse is yours? This is the most natural and much needed ingredient for your marriage to survive. Why? Let us suppose you are in a crowd. You look at the people gathered there and you feel nothing for them.

Suddenly your eyes falls on your spouse who comes there unexpectedly. Your eyes lights up and you react with a smile to acknowledge his\her presence don’t you? Why do you do it? It is because you feel a sense of belonging as soon as you see your spouse.

This is what you call possessiveness. Unless there is possessiveness your marriage cannot survive. How can you live with a person whom you do not feel your own? How can you branch out as a family with a person whom you do not feel belonged? You live as a family only when there is a sense of belonging to each other.

  • Why then this huge cry against possessiveness?
  • Why do they say possessiveness ruins your relationship?

Do you know marriage is one relationship wherein every emotion should be in the right balance for you to enjoy its goodness?

A little too much and a little too less of any emotion can wreck your marriage. Too much of anger, too much of pessimism, too much of independence, too much of aloofness destroy your marriage. Too less of love, too less of responsibility, too less of interaction, too less of freedom also demolish your marriage.

The right amount of possessiveness makes your marriage thrive. ‘He\she is mine’ is a wonderful feeling of belonging. But ‘he\she is only mine’ is a restrictive chain on your spouse which makes him\her feel jailed and bored to live with you.

What is true possessiveness?

  • It makes you care for your spouse.
  • You love your spouse.
  • You support him\her because you feel protective about him\her.

Suppose you are not possessive towards your spouse? What happens then?

  • You cannot survive as a family.
  • Your marriage cannot have long life.
  • You cannot coexist as husband and wife.

This feeling that you belong to each other makes you join hands to handle the problems in your life together. You would not do it with someone, whom you do not feel belonged to, would you?

But what happens when your possessiveness becomes clinging and shackling?

What happens when you feel that your spouse belongs only to you?

He\she is mine’ is a beautiful way to love your spouse!

‘He\she is only mine’ is an oppressive way of showing your love!

When you feel that your spouse belongs only to you and no else has any right to interact with him\her, your over possessiveness jails him\her! He\she is thrust into a tiring and tyrannical relationship with you where he\she feels emotionally blackmailed by your overbearing and overwhelming love.

Over possessiveness can make your relationship very oppressive and suppressive indeed!

How do you react when you are over possessive?

  • You spy on the whereabouts of your spouse.
  • You hate it when he\she interacts with his\her parents\friends\relatives\colleagues.
  • You never allow him\her a single moment of freedom.
  • You call him\her during work hours and make him\her feel bored by your inquisitive questions.
  • You want him\her at your beck and call.
  • You are selfish and concentrated only on you.
  • You are always suspicious and doubtful about your spouse.

Why are you over possessive about your spouse?

Actually you become over possessive only when you are unsure of the love of your spouse. So you cling to him\her and show your love in an overpowering manner in the hope to attract his\her love. In reality the opposite happens! Your spouse is repulsed by your unreasonable and overpowering way of taking up his\her time leaving him\her with no time for himself\herself.

Spacing is a must for any relationship to survive! It is more so in marriage! You should show only that much of possessiveness to make your spouse feel an exclusive sense of belonging. But you should also know to take a step back to allow some freedom for your spouse so that he\she feels his\her relationship with you always fresh and new!

© 2014 mathira


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    • mathira profile image

      mathira 3 years ago from chennai

      DDE, good of you to give such positive comments.

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 3 years ago from chennai

      MsDora, couples do not understand the value of freedom and tend to be clingy. This is the reason why they soon outgrow each other. Have a great day!

    • mathira profile image

      mathira 3 years ago from chennai

      schoolgirlforreal, over possessiveness in your marriage can suffocate you. You are right on target when you say possessiveness is another person's insecurity.

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Interesting of how one can over possessive and be clingy at all times great hub and valuable points mentioned here.

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 3 years ago from The Caribbean

      Possessiveness in the right amount is proof of love. Your explanation is very useful to those who mistake excessive possessiveness for the good stuff. Thank you for your insights.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Interesting points and perspective as always my friend.

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 3 years ago

      These are very good points and some need more space than others.

      But both spouses have to do it. It's a sign of love and trust and respect, and as you said it will not work if you suffocate your spouse with over possessiveness. One would need to get to the root of Why they are insecure or have abandonment issues, and work on it! And work with each other too, the whole time, even if it means seeing a therapist together. It's very oppressive I agree to be with someone who watches your every move and won't let you socialize. That's why I broke up with my ex. One of the reasons. I felt too controlled and I hated it. It's not right. It's not love. It's the other person's insecurity.

      Grreat hub.