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Keys to a Lasting, Lesbian Love

Updated on June 18, 2013

Volume VI

"How long have you and your wife been together?" the unassuming lesbian asks. I respond,"Ten years". The casual conversation between two women erupts the entire room of lesbians. They quickly turn and look at me as if I must have the golden ticket and bombard me with questions and congratulatory statements. Then I must listen for several minutes as they try to recall another lesbian couple who has lasted so long. Often they come up short. Although this scenario has played out many times, each time I am astonished at their amazement. Quite honestly, it wasn't until very recently that I realized the special relationship my wife and I share and gave considerable thought to why the relationship has lasted so long. If I had to identify any key elements for a lasting lesbian love they are knowing and sharing who you are with your partner, walking away before you hate, and compromising on matters that are negotiable and knowing what matters aren't.

First and Foremost

During the honeymoon stage of a relationship, the first sixth months, we are often not our authentic selves. There is no burping and definitely no passing gas. The girdle stays on and sex is only an option when the lights are out. We love everything our mates love and nothing they do works our nerves. Then somewhere around six months, we are tired of sleeping uncomfortably because we ate Mexican and went back to their homes. We are tired of the way our mates chew their food, call us just a few too many times during the work day and absolutely tired of their mothers calling and our mates running to them like they're helpless children. And six months in, we feel like its the time to let them know. Now our true colors start to show. The problem is that our mates have fallen in love with the person they thought they knew. And foolishly, women will try to work on something that obviously has no future for too damn long. My wife and I never had the honeymoon phase. We met through a mutual friend and came together as roommates. Initially, we had no reason to pretend, so we didn't. She got to know me and all my unsavory habits and tendencies and I hers. Full disclosure left us with the freedom of choice, which so many relationships lack because of the initial half-truths, lies, or non-disclosure.

Before you go too far...

We also found it important to walk away before we hated one another so we could one day come back together when we fell back in love with one another. We were in our early twenties and both still trying to find our way. She was a college graduate with a useless degree, and I was a college student with no degree. We had little money but a two year old child with needs that had to be met. I had cheated. She had become violent. We were broke and at each other’s throats. We both had, had enough. I packed my things; and, when we went home for a holiday visit, I didn't return. She begged me to come back and try, but her heart knew the truth. We subconsciously understood that we had become toxic to our personal growth. The two years we were apart were great for both of us. She flourished financially. I flourished emotionally. And when the time was right, we came back together. But had we tried to fight through the pain we would have hated one another and never returned.

There are very few...

Ultimately, any relationship requires compromise and standards. No one is always right or wrong. Sometimes we all have to bite the bullet and accept some things we don't want to accept. But even with compromise there must be standards that are not up for discussion. For instance, I was raised with a lot of profanity in my home. There was a lot of cussing and fussing. So I was the same way with her son, because that was all I knew. One day she looked me in the eyes and told me that I simply could not speak to her son in that way. While I thought that what I was doing was right (I don't anymore.), I could look in her eyes and tell that this was not negotiable. I corrected that behavior immediately. Equally, there have been matters related to her son and our relationship that we have compromised. But if someone is always right and the other wrong then the person who is always deemed wrong will become resentful.

I am very happy to say that my wife and I have been together for ten years, and I look forward to a lifetime more. While I don't think that we are ready to offer Lesbian Relationship 101, I think our lessons on love can serve as a starting point for understanding and repairing your current or future relationship. The truth of the matter is that two people are trying to mesh two beings into one and it's never easy. And what works for me may not work for you. But there is therapy in sharing so I decided to share.

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