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Practical Therapy: Knowing and Understanding Relationships Vol. 5

Updated on June 9, 2010

The War Within. The... Booty??? Without

Like an orchestra, the instruments of a relationship, being the individuals involved, sometimes require fine tuning, in order to strive to achieve a balance of perfection, that becomes a beautiful, harmonious performance. I love this, as an example for relationships, because with an orchestra, no one instrument is more important than the other. It requires tremendous trust and discipline to create the harmony, of this beautiful sound.

That's what this next segment is all about.

Part I: Mental Preparation, continued: Finding harmony

Now, to some readers-the ones that haven't forgotten where this entire tirade stemmed from-it may appear that we've gone off the topic, completely, but I assure you that we have remained steadfast.

The topic-for those of you that have forgotten-is, "What do I have to offer this relationship, with another individual?".

We began this part of our series by identifying that there is a need for every individual to have self intimacy. The examples of dealing with temporary persons and specific relationship scenario, were direct visages of a person devoid of personal intimacy.

Without personal intimacy, there is nothing for the offering. In fact, you only have one thing to truly offer yourself.

A hiding place.

The reasoning behind the phrasing of the question is in the most commanding word in the question, "relationship". It takes at least two people to have a sentient, physical relationship. It takes at least that many to make that relationship work. Each person brings their best qualities-their skills, their passions, their emotions...

Their lives... along with their flaws.

Here is the beauty of a relationship, with another person. No person is perfect. We all have flaws. Maybe not even necessarily flaws, but weaknesses. But when you know your enemy, a strategy can be constructed to effectively combat it. Two is better than one, in this case.

Your partner, in a relationship, will hopefully, have strengths to assist you, in overcoming your weaknesses. If he or she does not, together you will find a way. Here is the point that I want to place emphasis on. What you have to offer a relationship are your good qualities. It can't be avoided that, when you enter into a relationship, you not only bring the best parts of you, but the worse parts, as well.

What you have to offer can only be offered if you know what you have, which means knowing yourself. I have to stress, again, that you have to ask yourself the important questions, highlighted in previous parts of this series. You have to face the hardships of your life experiences and understand them. This make it so that you have not experienced them in vain. It is necessary for us to gain toughness from those experiences, so that they will assist you in the future. We have to decipher the script, so that we can benefit from the experiences.

From pain, that we have survived, we must take the courage and confidence of knowing the signs and what to expect. From living through tragedy, we must take the ability to accept what we can not change and the awareness of the beauty that can exist in everything and the knowledge of how ephemeral it can be.

You know what?

In facing those hardships, of the past, we also relive the joys and pleasures. You give yourself a frame of reference, for happiness.

When you do this, you learn your likes and dislikes. You come to grips with yourself. You learn from your mistakes and find peace with yourself. You learn to accept you, for who "you" really are. More importantly, you learn to love who you are. And when you love yourself, you won't care how the world feels about you.

Besides, how many people do you know face the entire world everyday?

Hell! Chances are, much of the world do not speak your language. However, somethings are a universal language. The only one who needs to love you is you. If you do want someone else to love you-and I mean really love you-it is vital to be true to yourself, first. You never have to offer anything to the individual. That individual will love you for you. The real you. In return, you will love that individual for him or her being themselves. Together, the relationship is formed, and you each automatically offer the best parts of yourselves, just by committing to one another.

Whew! There's a lot to this self-intimacy stuff, huh?

Okay. We've hit most of the major points, about personal intimacy. but before we close out this part, I want to return, briefly, to the example of personal dreams and goals.

While you might say, "Okay! You've made your point. Get to know myself.", I would feel a bit negligent, if I didn't clarify a point or two. We talked about the strain that personal dreams and goals can have on a relationship, and I said that there are ways to be prepared for this. Now that you have an in depth understanding of personal intimacy and-hopefully-an appreciation for it, I believe you can fully understand some of the unique personal intimacy employments.

It's difficult-even in a standard relationship-to want to spend a lot of time with someone who you have such strong feelings for, and have to split that time between working the typical nine to five and whatever other life nuisance, that can't be avoided.

In this scenario, you have the time in between to catch-up. Share dinner together. Have a nice conversation. Kiss a little. Hug a little. Make love. The understanding is there that you have to work, for a living, but it's the joy of working for each other and your lives together, that make it all worth it.

In any relationship, patience, understanding and acceptance of certain things are requirements. For some relationships, these requirements may be a minor taxation. For others, these requirements can be a tremendous physical, mental and emotional drain.

When you love and respect someone, you care about the things that are important to them. You want them to be happy, and are willing to sacrifice to see to their happiness. Sometimes, as we've mentioned, when we become immersed in trying to accomplish something, we become single-minded and neglectful. Most instances, unintentionally, but not having the intent does not make it any easier, for the one suffering through the neglect.

This is personal intimacy plays a major role.

If you are the one who feels neglected, if you haven't done so already, you should get to know yourself better. This is true, especially if you are confident that your partner loves you and wants for your happiness, as well as his or her own. It could be that you mistake spending too much time focusing on having so little time to spend with your love, for neglect. If you had something else to focus energy on-a hobby, a dream or goal of your own-you might find that you don't feel so neglected. Also, you may come to find that not focusing on the time that you're not together, makes the time that you are together much more exciting, enjoyable and fulfilling.

If you are the one who has been neglectful, and you're searching for a way to close a growing distance between you and a loved one, well...this really isn't your section. Yours will fall under the communication section. But-believe me-I understand, and we will get to you, in the future of this series.

This is a common occurrence, in many relationships, and if you love this person and he or she loves you, it's an easily solvable problem.

For now, let's move on, shall we?

Mental preparation for anything in our lives is nothing more than having an intimate knowledge and understanding of yourself. Though this series is dedicated to the cultivation of healthy, stable and loving relationships, I think that it is important to understand that the intimacy of self is the single most important relationship that any human being should hope to acquire.

Once established, it will never dissipate. You will only expand on that relationship and acquire new depths within yourself. It will carry you through the toughest of times, and make it easier to enjoy and benefit from the many beautiful things in life. Take time to cultivate that relationship above all-and I do mean ALL-others. Everything else in life is easy after that.

Trust me.

In the next part of our Practical Therapy series, A matter of sex: being intuitive, we will be exploring the differences that gender play in relationship, and we will be moving toward putting closure to the chapter The War Within. The... Booty??? Without. We will also take the time to discuss meaning of the phrasing of that particular title.

Until next time, well met and be well.


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    • Juelstephen profile image

      Juelstephen 7 years ago from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, USA

      Thank you Nellieanna. In my re-read I noticed that I need to be more vigillant in my editing. Your observations are greatly appreciated and needed. It will most certainly keep me on my toes.;)LOL

    • Nellieanna profile image

      Nellieanna Hay 7 years ago from TEXAS

      You've written another great hub! How true it is that only when we love ourselves are we free to love another or others. When we're not OK with who we are, we're always looking for the other person to reassure us and to provide what we feel lacking, so we don't come to them whole and ready to receive them whole. You truly understand that. And it's a principle that has been known to outstanding minds throughout the ages. You have to have lived it to understand it so well!

      One of the most important sentences for your meaning is 'You learn to ACCEPT you, for who "you" really are.' ;) Remember differences in 'except' & 'accept'. They're opposite meanings.

      More power to you!!