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Putting On A Fake Smile, When You Are Slowly Dying Inside

Updated on June 16, 2016

So, to all my friends, family, and coworkers, I am a happy, outgoing, wonderful person. This is the person they see on the outside. On the inside, I am completely the opposite.

Everyone looks at me thinking I have everything held together, when in reality I don't. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I am going to be 20 in July, and I am going to be getting married in 3 years. I want to get married, I love the man I am with, but everything aside from that scares the crap out of me.

For most of my life, if not all, I have done what everyone has wanted me to do. For once in my life I am making my own decisions and I don't know if I am making the right ones or not. I am currently in school to become a respiratory therapist. I have no idea if I will like this. I did it because I love working and taking care of people. I love helping people when they are at their weakest and letting them trust me to help them in any way I can. I can't be a nursing assistant forever, but I don't know if respiratory therapy is for me.

I want to start a family, sooner than later. I don't know if this is the right choice. I don't know if I will even be able to handle parenthood. I love children. They are amazing. I have seen them at their best and worst. It terrifies me that I can prepare all I want, but nothing will ever be enough.

What I have learned from this though. Is that, the reason that I am terrified about making my own decisions is because everyone always made them for me. Everyone always shoved what they wanted me to do down my throat and I just went along with it. I never told people what I wanted, I told them what they wanted me to say I wanted.

Making decisions for myself is a hard adjustment, but it is what I need to do to become more independent. That is what everyone needs to remember. Just because people want you to say something, or become something, doesn't mean that you have to follow it. Learn to be your own person.

What people need to remember is that you need to follow your dreams. You need to do everything you can to keep yourself happy. If you aren't happy, then how are you going to do anything efficiently. You aren't. Take other people's suggestions, and think about them, but don't jump into them because everyone wants you to. It in the end will destroy you, and you will hate the person you become.

I am finally doing things for myself, and yes it is scary and terrifying, but I am doing it for me, so it has a rush to it. I don't know what is going to happen or when it is going to happen. What I do know, is that I won't resent myself for not trying the things I wanted to do in life because I am going to do everything and anything I can that I want. Everyone should have this thought because you don't know how long you have here, and at any moment everything could be taken away.

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 14 months ago

      No one has life "figured out" at age 20 so cut yourself some slack!

      In fact the teenage years and our 20s are about figuring out who (we) are, what we want/need, learning from mistakes, and evolving.

      Oftentimes during youth we have "unrealistic expectations" or we believe everything will happen in a linear progression just like we "planned it".

      Recently I saw a quote which read:

      "Life is all about how you handle plan B." Rarely does plan A work out.

      I'm not sure why anyone in this day and age would be in a hurry to get married and start having a family. Youth is best spent on self-discovery, getting an education, establishing a career, traveling, dating for fun..etc

      According to statistics in the U.S. the average age of a first time bride is 27 and for men it's 29. Getting married by 23 harkens back to the 1950s.

      One thing is for certain if you don't have your financial house in order having children will be extremely stressful.

      Out of all the mistakes one can make bringing a child into the world of an unprepared person is the worst. One old adage goes:

      "People who fail to plan...plan to fail."

      Ideally one would want to establish a career, get married, and (buy) a home before deciding to get pregnant. It also helps to know how daycare will be handled, doctors visits/health insurance, and other necessities.

      Sadly too many people choose to "struggle" by flying by the seat of their pants and subscribing to the belief of "Somehow it will all work out..." Thus you have families living in apartments, staying with parents, or struggling to feed, clothe, and pay medical expenses for children in addition to daycare. If one were to do some research in their area to find out how much these things cost monthly they'd have a better idea of knowing if they are "ready" or not.