Putting On A Fake Smile, When You Are Slowly Dying Inside

So, to all my friends, family, and coworkers, I am a happy, outgoing, wonderful person. This is the person they see on the outside. On the inside, I am completely the opposite.

Everyone looks at me thinking I have everything held together, when in reality I don't. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. I am going to be 20 in July, and I am going to be getting married in 3 years. I want to get married, I love the man I am with, but everything aside from that scares the crap out of me.

For most of my life, if not all, I have done what everyone has wanted me to do. For once in my life I am making my own decisions and I don't know if I am making the right ones or not. I am currently in school to become a respiratory therapist. I have no idea if I will like this. I did it because I love working and taking care of people. I love helping people when they are at their weakest and letting them trust me to help them in any way I can. I can't be a nursing assistant forever, but I don't know if respiratory therapy is for me.

I want to start a family, sooner than later. I don't know if this is the right choice. I don't know if I will even be able to handle parenthood. I love children. They are amazing. I have seen them at their best and worst. It terrifies me that I can prepare all I want, but nothing will ever be enough.

What I have learned from this though. Is that, the reason that I am terrified about making my own decisions is because everyone always made them for me. Everyone always shoved what they wanted me to do down my throat and I just went along with it. I never told people what I wanted, I told them what they wanted me to say I wanted.

Making decisions for myself is a hard adjustment, but it is what I need to do to become more independent. That is what everyone needs to remember. Just because people want you to say something, or become something, doesn't mean that you have to follow it. Learn to be your own person.

What people need to remember is that you need to follow your dreams. You need to do everything you can to keep yourself happy. If you aren't happy, then how are you going to do anything efficiently. You aren't. Take other people's suggestions, and think about them, but don't jump into them because everyone wants you to. It in the end will destroy you, and you will hate the person you become.

I am finally doing things for myself, and yes it is scary and terrifying, but I am doing it for me, so it has a rush to it. I don't know what is going to happen or when it is going to happen. What I do know, is that I won't resent myself for not trying the things I wanted to do in life because I am going to do everything and anything I can that I want. Everyone should have this thought because you don't know how long you have here, and at any moment everything could be taken away.