- Gender and Relationships
Quick judgements are often incorrect assumptions.
Be careful with assumptions
When I was a little girl, I remember adults dissecting the word ASSUME for us many times. If you divide the word into three parts you get what you make of yourself if you make an incorrect assumption. Sadly, too many of us are the victims of snap judgements these days. I have personal experience with how hard a family can be hit when one person decides to make a decision and get many others involved in their actions.
Here's rule number 1: Try as we might, we are humans and we are always going to find drama in every situation. Listen, take in, then step back and breathe before you react. It makes all the difference in the world.
Rule number 2: Don't decide that people are incapable of making decisions in their OWN life without your help. Although you may have a wealth of experience on your side and you may feel that your bird's eye view is seeing far more than the person who is in the situation, check with the individuals who are actually living the life before making any decisions on their behalf. For example: calling child and family services because you are assuming that things are happening. Although family services are often DOES need to be called, this should NEVER be done in anger, on a rumor or on a whim. You truly need to have concrete proof or have actually witnesses more than one incident. You need to know the situation. Autistic children have major meltdown, sometimes hitting their caregivers or banging themselves on the floor. Do not assume that the spouse is the one who gave mommy a bruise or the parent is hitting the child. Also, do not assume that the parent has not taken the child in question to therapy or to a doctor for help. Do not assume that if a parent barks especially loud at their child for one incident, that this child is being beaten and starved at home. Look into it, check it out first. Learn, keep your eyes open. Okay, so many of you are in disagreement with me. Listen, while our social services are investigating the parent who was restraining their disabled child correctly and someone uninformed called protective services, their are three other kids who are getting tortured, starved and burned by parents who are truly hurting them but ACS is too busy with the complaint that YOU could have looked into yourself. I am not saying never call, I am saying stop and think before leaping.
Rule number 3: Why do they stay together? How many of us look at someone's relationship and say I don't get it. Of course you don't. You are not the one in love. You are not the one in the relationship. If someone has been through a trauma and their marriage made it through the rain, applaud them, don:t put them down, don't scoff at them or try to break them up with your words. Trust me, you are no hero running out, you are much stronger when you stay and make it work. This of course does not apply when the spouse or significant other is beating the heck out of someone. Intervention is sometimes required here, but will not work unless the person is willing to let it work. Remember that. Relationships work for various reasons. Don't assume that because the well groomed businesswoman has chosen the tattooed, pierced day laborer as the love of her life, she has gone crazy. You don't know her heart, you don't know their love. Only they do. We all judged the celebrities who stay with the cheating spouses, but, cheating is not about sex nor is it about love. It is a weakness in the heart of the cheater. It is about inadequacy and sadness. Sometimes people are willing to work it out, sometimes they are not. It is a personal decision and not for the third party to decide.
Rule number 4: Don't decide someone is lazy or self centered because they do not join every group in the world like you do. Again, you do not live with them, in their home, relationship and in their body. How do you know if they are battling a disease of fatigue and misery and can only accomplish a little each day? People do not share everything, nor should they. They may be working several jobs to make ends meet. They may have decided that staying home with their children is more important than joining your group, it doesn't mean they don't like or respect your decisions, but it is not their priority.
Not everyone lives for cleaning their house each and everyday with disinfectant. Doesn't make them a bad person, Some people are more into their children's sporting events than others. It is just the way it is. Acceptance is not a word used enough in our world. Judgement is used far more. It is sad, but true and it is holding us back as far as making advances. We are all guilty of this, myself included.
My oldest child is differently abled. We have been through alot. We love him with all our hearts, but it is a struggle to get through each and everyday. I don't have time for people's judgments and assumptions. If I don't stop by to visit you it is not because I don't want to see you, it is because I have so many obligations to my immediate family and to keeping my sanity that I do not have time for fullfilling what other people who are clueless to my situations wants or needs. I know that sounds wrong, but it is what it is, and I cannot change it. This is my life and if people are not willing to understand that its nothing personal, then I guess my life will go on without them. I do not feel a loss for this. They obviously don't feel a loss for me or else they would realize how packed full everyday of my life is physically and emotionally. There is just no more room for someone else's issues, no matter how big or small. I will listen, try to help, but I cannot make and keep promises at this time in my life that are outside of raising my children, keeping my marriage in order and pushing my own career ahead, It may sound callous, but again, this is about NOT making assumptions, remember? Only those who are walking in the shoes of those who are so busy they do not stop even when their heads hit the pillow can even had any idea of where I am coming from. And... you know what, I don't understand them, because everyone's lives, situations and feelings about issues are different, Therefore, reserve your judgements and live your own life.