ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

When a Step Parent Becomes Mom or Dad. Victorious Custodial Alliances! Building Great Relationships Sharing No DNA!

Updated on March 17, 2020
Christofers Flow profile image

Christofer spent 10 years in family counseling. Later he obtained a Psy. D.. His focuses: Health, History, Astrology, Politics and Fables

A Conscious Amalgam of Newness as True Family Evolves!

The souls have quiet subconscious agreements

That they are just going to be a family.

And the more that happens,

The more the love spills over onto the family garden,

The more the Step Parent can be given the credit..

Related to Royalty? You Have to be in their Lives. What Matters is Who Loves and Who Lasts!

The Step Family - A Custodial Celebration of Evolving Love, and Generational Cohesiveness

America, is still full of families. We might not be the best at marriage - one time for a long time, but it seems we really favor Serial Monogamy. We keep working at Family Hood.

And the Core of America’s Family Hood is the ever evolving concept of the Step Family. The size and shape of the Step Family is of course, flexible. For the sake of our article it has Yours, Mine and Ours. It matters not how any particular family’s shape fits the “ideal”. The point is, every member plays a special role. And the Mother/Step Mother or Step Father sits at the Center of this magical happening.

“Ooh, I’m Sorry, I Called You Mom! (or Dad)”

The little 8 year old was sipping orange juice, and the family was discussing what to do on Mother’s Day. His natural mother had not seen him in a couple years. She had a drug problem. He loved her. He loved the memory of her, mostly. But he was getting used to this new mother. His next statement slipped out because of bubbling joy. “Hey Mom, have you ever been to the Zoo?”

There was a silence that could not be helped. The Dad noticed it first. The Mom winked at her Father who sat sipping his Mimosa. “Oh, I’m sorry. I called you “Mom”, is that Okay?”

She said, “Sure”. The boy himself got befuddled. “Are there bears at our Zoo?”

How to call each other seems easy enough, but it emerges from a sea of psychological currents deep in the depths of Family. It may seem easy and automatic, but often it is neither.

The Same Person Can Play Dual Roles.

On a Mother’s Day, or Father's Day, it serves to honor not just the pure role of Parenthood, but the more real and current and flexible Step Parent. The first thing to observe is that these days, a "Mother" is also a Step Mother, a Dad is also a Step Dad. The same woman holds DUAL roles.

D&R

Divorce and Remarriage makes people realign, move, change schools, goes through visitation, exercises and re-establish the family narratives as siblings become new. But always, in the Queen’s throne, the Mother/Step Mother sits in a kind of Female Primacy.

Besides knowing what to call each other – “Mom” if the other mother is out of state, and both feel comfortable, or “First Name” if the comfort level goes that way. The changes range from happy, to traumatizing to troublesome. But whatever the adjustments and personality changing that has to go on, there is one thing that has to happen:

Regardless of how much she loves the kid’s father, the step mother/father must be something special. She/He does not have the inherent biological connection, nor the cultural and ethnic connections, but she/he must attempt to play the role of Step Mother/Father.

1) Communication Challenge.

The unit cannot allow a sullen solitary retreat of one of its members. Talk should always be encouraged, allowed and generated.

2) Patience.

The constant diplomatic realignment of kid’s requests for toys and physical possessions must be established by some unwritten, but well understood mediator. “This is what goes to your 12 year old, and this is what goes to my 16 year old”. Again, these kinds of negotiations are unique to the Step Family, and require a love for “truth and justice”. If for some reason the family seems skewed, there is always time to realign. The structure and strength and vitality of the unit must be patiently awaited.

3) Faith.

You can’t give up on this. It is constantly being created and renewed, and built up. Two steps forward, one step back. What if “your” kid does badly, and “his” kid is doing better. Is the “ours” kid getting his due? Giving yourself report cards all along, you try not to panic, nor get too emotional, nor lose patience. You believe in your family like you believe in your union. And most of all the family believes in the Mother/Step Mother.

4) Love.

The Step Mother knows she has a special role to play. It is for her to decide the shape of that role, and the power and responsibility in that role. She knows she is going to be “played” and manipulated. She knows sometimes she will feel exultant.

She feels that the great power of Love will help them reach beyond reason, beyond family histories and beyond the Fears about the Future. The whole family feels that this enterprise is worth the trouble, because she believes it is and she sends love out in torrents.

None of Her Kids Were Tragedies. The Tragedy was the Step Kid.

Graduation Day. You know, one of those perfect days in June. The Step Mom stood stalwart and proud. Why? All of her kids were winners. They were in the crowd. The graduate was her Step Child. A couple big fights as a pre teen. Drinking bouts as a teenager. A DUI. Helping her study to get her out of high school. Then she frowned when the girl decided on college. More work. More patience. More love from somewhere, and this one time “Loser” was graduating 10th in her class.

Dad was a good guy. The key ugly fights, the big tear jerking emotional tail spins, the staying up all night talks --- all had to be done by “Mom”. The “tragedy” was now the beaming and joyous “red-haired step-child”.

When she got her diploma, she went straight to “Mom” and said. First day you saw me, when I was a little kid; I bet you didn’t think, Damn, I am going to have to go to college a second time to get rid of her.”

The Mom looked at her husband. “No. I did not foresee that possibility”. Then they hugged for a long time. Ask her today if it took any real trouble to raise her “winner” kids. She will tell you “Not really. Not like….her.”

The Grafted Branch

All around America Step Families with strong Step Mothers and Step Fathers put their resources together to help the “grafted” parts of their families to become hearty and strong, producing fruit. Because of the transcendent love of the Mother/Step Mother/Father, the Family Unit keeps growing and thriving.

We may be a Nation of Serial Monogamists but more and more as time goes by “step” loses its distinctiveness; half brother is not used as much as just “brother”. It seems that the desire to move into Let us all be thankful for the strength that moves into the next generation because of this process.

A Funny DNA Story

The "New Brother and Sister" moved to a new Junior High.

The Brother always lamented that his blonde hair didn't match up with his Step Dad's curly dark Irish hair. Funny thing his natural daughter had curly blonde (also very Irish) hair. The two new siblings on the First Day of school from a new friend. "I know you guys are brother and sister, but are you TWINS?

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://corp.maven.io/privacy-policy

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)